Mary Robinette Kowal - The Worst-Dressed Women Warriors in Fantasy
Today we are going to talk about the wildly inappropriate clothing that female fighters wear in fantasy movies. See, it's like this: I can't come up with any reason that otherwise intelligent and well-trained women warriors would choose to enter battle wearing what can best be described as lingerie except to fulfill a whole other kind of fantasy. Indeed, unless these women are disguising themselves as men (more on that later), their principle weapon is their knockers -- and I'm not talking about medieval clubs.
Red Sonja, Red Sonja (1985)
The titular character (Brigitte Nielsen) here is a strong willed young woman endowed with supernatural strength, skill with a sword... and judging by her costume, other attributes as well. When facing large groups of armed men, what makes her think that a leather sundress is the best thing for fighting? We're talking about people with blades -- giant pieces of sharp metal that they want to stick her with, and that scrap of leather just isn't going to do a thing to serve as protection. Besides all that, she's got the world's longest mullet. If you've ever worn your hair long, you know that what it does -- indeed, what it seems designed to do -- is get in your eyes. This is a bad idea when you're fighting.
Zulu, Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Zulu (Grace Jones) at least has a sensible hair cut. This is the only good thing I can say about her wardrobe choice, though. The rest of it is... basketwoven leather? It's like she wanted to pre-perforate her garment.I suppose it breathes better than, you know, armor. But Queen Taramis wears full body armor. Doesn't this strike anyone else as a good idea? Just saying, you know, that wearing metal between you and the poky things might be a good plan.
Guinevere, King Arthur (2004)
Guinvere (Keira Knightley) seems to have confused her belt with her bra here. No, wait, I know: She saw the The Fifth Element and thought that the fantasy version of the Ace Bandage Leeloo (Milla Jovovich) wears would be leather straps. I have news for you: If that group of women were actually facing male warriors dressed only in mud and straps of leather, they'd get slaughtered. I suppose it's possible that their plan was to distract the men by fighting almost naked, but it's still a bad plan.
The White Witch, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (2005)
The White Witch's (Tilda Swinton) costume is both savage and graceful, and yet completely daft for combat -- a recurring theme, you'll notice, because wearing sensible clothing looks too masculine (see: Eowyn in The Lord of the Rings) and clearly a woman's primary onscreen value is sexiness.The Witch has bare arms and is prone to striking poses instead of actually fighting. Any sane warrior would chop her arms off at the first opportunity. As if that weren't enough, she's wearing a chainmail skirt. Now, granted, this is the first woman that's actually worn something to protect her legs, but have you ever tried to move swiftly in a long skirt? They tangle. And I don't even like to think about how much chainmail weighs.
Elektra, Elektra (2005)
Jennifer Garner's character here may not be your prototypical fantasy heroine, but as an assassin trained in hand-to-hand combat and medieval weaponry (everything from blades to bows), not to mention the fact that she's been resurrected from the dead, I'd say she counts. And let me tell you, her costume might be the silliest of them all. Three words: Red Silk Teddy. Sure, it covers more than, say, leather straps, but it's silk. I guess she's counting on another resurrection to save her from this fighter faux pas. Either that, or perhaps a victim that's too aroused to prevent his own death?
Granted, fantasy doesn't have a total lock-down on the stupid clothes for women warriors. Check out the worst that scifi has to offer:
1. Barbarella (1968) - Four words: Undressing in zero gravity.
2. Blade Runner (1982) - Pris's (Darryl Hannah) garb consists of netting, a dog collar and mime makeup. Admittedly, this is the only time Darryl Hannah has looked dangerous.
3. Sin City (2005) - Will someone please tell Gail (Rosario Dawson) that a thong will not be her friend during a shootout?
4. Watchmen (2009) - How tall are Jupiter's (Malin Ackerman) heels? Three inches? I defy her to stand in those, let alone fight crime.
5. Transporter 2 (2005) - There's a reason garters went out of style, Lola (Kate Nauta). It's because they aren't practical.
Mary Robinette Kowal is the winner of the 2008 John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer and a professional puppeteer. Her first novel Shades of Milk and Honey is being published by Tor in 2010.
I loved The Fifth Element, but those bandages really irked me, particularly as they're described as "thermal bandages," as in they're supposed to keep her warm. Yeah, right!
But to be fair, a lot of fantasy book covers are every bit as bad as anything you see in movies. I guess when guys hear "fantasy" they expect it to be THEIR fantasy.
Having just watched Lana Clarkson's fantasy oeuvre - Barbarian Queen (1 and 2), Deathstalker and Wizards of the Lost Kingdom - I'd have to say pretty much ANY clothing is a step up. Forget about protection, what about support? Swordfighting with bared 36Cs has GOT to be uncomfortable.
Karen: Yes, the chicks in chainmail meme is an old one. But do we still have to follow it?
Sarcasto: Wow. I'd not seen those and dang...that's some serious wardrobe malfunction.
Oh yes. Thank you so much for this. Female "armours" are always so ludicrous it's a wonder they survive the first five minutes on the battefield.
And JUST SAY NO to open-toed shoes.
I mean...come on. Really.
Best topic ever. Even in Prince Caspian, Susan got to wear a skin-tight leather corset over chain mail. Who thought of that?
Now that I think about it, the standard male outfit for 80s B Fantasy films was a loincloth and a hubcap from a '74 Vega strapped to the dude's chest. That's not going to help much either. Sort of gives a cake equality (both cheese and beef) feel to them, though not to the degree of, say, Xena.
So what films DO have women in real armor in them other than Taramis in RS? Milla Jovovich actually did wear a full panoply of period-correct armor in The Messenger. Not really a fantasy though. Nor American. Only other one I can come up with right off hand is Joanne Whalley as Sorsha in Willow.
In Lord of the Rings, Eowyn wears full armor, but she's pretending to be a boy. Same with Joan of Arc, actually.
J. Chenney mentioned Susan's armor, which looks downright sensible compared to everyone else. Besides that, I really can't think of anyone who wears armor.
Excellent article, Mary.
I suppose it's possible that their plan was to distract the men by fighting almost naked, but it's still a bad plan. Had to laugh reading that.
It's like we need to be reminded that just because they're fighters doesn't mean they can't be sexy or feminine. Like when have sexy and feminine become interchangeable?
Actually (re Elektra) silk can be very practical. It is said that when the Mongol hordes invaded Europe, they survived arrow wounds much better than the Europeans because they wore silk shirts. These did not tear so easily and were pushed into the flesh. The wound was not so deep and arrows could be removed without infecting the wound.
When you mentioned Bladerunner, you forgot Rachel's outfits. True, she didn't do any fighting but her skirts were sometimes so tight she could only hobble, not even walk.
Rochita: Yes, I was struck while writing this that the women in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon dress femininely and yet in clothes that are possible to fight in. It might be an American trend.
Graywave: I'd buy that if the silk weren't stretched tight over boning. Bizarrely, I had to test that theory once and the arrow trick only works if it's loose. Maybe she's counting the boning as armor?
I seem to recall that at one point Xena did think about exchanging her leather "breastplate" for a chainmail version - but worrying that she'd just attract a kinkier type of guy.
And I love the idea of Red Sonja as a 'titular' character.
Great article, Mary! Women warrior's costuming has always confused me. I'm a big fan of Eowyn's sensibility!!!
...unless these women are disguising themselves as men (more on that later)...
Does this mean that we get this article next week? I'm excited!
Firstly...
JADIS WASN'T BLONDE. Tilda must not watch too many movies, because she thinks there aren't any blonde villains. Um, hello, it's a cliche'.
I'm glad someone finally agrees with me on how stupid Guen looks with that leather strap on her chest. And how impractical it is. (I had said that Leelee Sobieski in "In the Name of the King" looked more real than that, she's in armor! She won't get injured or killed easy like Guen!)
But I disagree with Elektra, especially since her outfit in the comics looks very impractical and sexist for a ninja. She's not wearing any pants. She's barely covered up. Her movie costumes are more practical for fighting.
Great article, Mary. :)
If you've ever worn your hair long, you know that what it does -- indeed, what it seems designed to do -- is get in your eyes. This is a bad idea when you're fighting.
This reminded me that long hair is a nice target for grabbing and yanking too. Ouch!
To play devil's advocate for a second, Brigitte Nielsen's leather bustier in the movie is positively modest compared to the chain mail bikini Red Sonja sports in the comics. The current comic series did at least attempt to explain Sonja's lack of attire: apparently it's to lure rapists so she can kill them. I still think it's better to protect yourself from ambushes by bow-wielding assassins.
And to defend Keira Knightley's Guin, she is a Celt, a people whose men allegedly fought buck naked. At least that's the popular perception, if not the correct one.
Speaking of Sonjas, the vampire princess of that name from Underworld: Rise of the Lycans wore a full suit of armour, albeit rather form-fitting.
Ann Lewis in ROBOCOP. Great role, great acting, but that short hair and the blah blue fabric and ungainly bullet proof vest and gigantic helmet don't help.
LaDracul: I'll grant that Red Sonja wore more practical clothes in the film than in the comic, but that still doesn't make the sundress smart.
False Prophet: Hm...
Rae: Given a personal choice, I'll take unflattering garments over death any day.
If you think those are bad, we can wander across to Japan and Sailor Moon...combat fukus and high heeled boots.
In defense of Rosario in Sin City, she was actually SUPPOSED to look like a hooker. It was her "day job", so to speak.
I think the samurai wore many, many layers of loose silk to help protect against arrows. not just one layer. And not skin tight.
Ah, Lewis and Robocop, that was a great team. Her first scene we get to watch her beat up a thug at the police station. And I love the scene towards the end where she brings him the power drill and some baby food.
The line that sums up the movie is actually Lewis's line:
"Murphy, it's you."
Uh, Pris in Blade Runner is a prostitute, not a warrior. She's supposed to wear next to nothing.
Roy is the combat model. Leon is a worker drone.
Of course, if you can thrust your hand into boiling water and stand naked in a subzero freezer wtihout harm, I don't think armor is really that important to you.
As for women dressing "normal" in sci fi, how about Terminator?
Speaking of sartorially sensible female ass kickers; A few months ago I sat down and watched a fan-subbed copy of the epic (49 1-hour episodes) Taiga drama Yoshitsune, which is about Minamoto Yoshitsune and the Genpai War of the 12th century. It involved two famous women-warriors, Tomoe Gozen and Hojo Masako, who were depicted in three basic modes of dress each appropriate to the use: Fully armored, unarmored but sensible outdoors/riding clothes, and full up Japanese noblewoman gowns.