John Scalzi - The Star Trek Movie Cheat Sheet
This week the 11th Star Trek movie hits theaters. And while this new chapter is meant to be a "reboot," you'll still need to know a bit about its predecessors to get the most out of the experience. But if you're dreading the thought of a 20-hour Trek movie marathon, fret not: Here's a cheat sheet (complete with Haiku!) to catch you up.
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Plot Haiku:
Hey, Spock is alive!
Let's all steal the Enterprise
And go get him back!
The Background: The filmmakers wanted to bring Spock back from the dead; actor Leonard Nimoy agreed only if he were allowed to direct. This is the first movie where the series nemeses, the Klingons, are extensively used.
The Fan Line: It's not a bad time-waster, and they do get Spock back.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
Plot Haiku:
Crew goes back in time
For songs of the humpback whale
Or else Earth goes boom
The Background: Nimoy back again in the director's chair for the funniest and lightest chapter of the franchise. It's the only Star Trek movie (so far) to crack $100 million in its domestic theatrical run.
The Fan Line: The favorite after Wrath of Khan, and the one that even those clueless in the ways of Trek can enjoy.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Plot Haiku:
It's a search for God
But there is no God in here
Just Shatner's ego
The Background: After Nimoy, William Shatner wanted a turn in the director's chair -- and they gave it to him (he also co-wrote the story). This one made half of what Trek IV made, and is the least financially successful "original series" flick.
The Fan Line: Lots of eyerolling and agreement to never speak of it again.
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
Plot Haiku:
The Klingons need help!
Can Kirk put aside his hate
To save the ridged ones?
The Background: Writer/director Nicholas Meyer returns to put a capstone on the "original series" era of Trek and to dovetail the series into "Next Generation" movies.
The Fan Line: Does what it was intended to do and ends the Kirk era on a high note.
Star Trek: Generations (1994)
Plot Haiku:
It's Kirk and Picard!
They get together, and not
In a fanfic way!
The Background: The first movie to feature the "Next Gen" cast also lets fans know what happened to Kirk after Trek VI. While he was always intended to die helping Picard save the universe, his death scenes were actually reshot to make them more heroic.
The Fan Line: It's not bad, but fans were hoping for something more.
Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
Plot Haiku:
Those creepy Borg dudes
Try to mess with the time stream
Picard says: Uh, no
The Background: Picard's Number One Jonathan Frakes takes the director's chair. This was the most financially successful of the "Next Gen" Trek movies at $92 million domestically and $146 million worldwide, and also featured the (to date) largest opening weekend for the series: $30 million.
The Fan Line: Best "Next Gen" movie hands down, in no small part to the Enterprise crew kicking all sorts of Borg butt.
Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
Plot Haiku:
The fountain of youth
Defended by our Trek pals
Who, well, sag a bit
The Background: Frakes is back in the director's chair, and there's not much else to say, except that once it came out, both fans and filmmakers agreed that the franchise needed some shaking up.
The Fan Line: It's a perfectly cromulent Trek flick, and that's about it.
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Plot Haiku:
Picard's nemesis
Turns out to be his clone
It's, like, confusing
The Background: Paramount recruited Gladiator screenwriter John Logan and director Stuard Baird to revive the series. It didn't work: The script was confusing and needlessly dark, and Baird makes a better editor (two Oscar nominations) than a director. The lifeless box office killed the series until now.
The Fan Line: The only real question is whether it's worse than Trek V.
And now you're caught up!
Winner of the Hugo Award and the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer, John Scalzi is the author of The Rough Guide to Sci-Fi Movies and the novels Old Man's War and Zoe's Tale. He's also Creative Consultant for the upcoming Stargate: Universe television series. His column appears every Thursday.
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Thanks for the recap
Haiku is a clever touch
Agree, Khan is best
I think the most common fan comment about Insurrection (which I loved, most likely for this very reason) was "It was a good episode of Next Gen." A few years after the series ended (with tears from me), I got to see another movie-length episode that caught me up with how the crew were doing, and they were doing well, and that gave me warm fuzzies.
And Nemesis? MUCH better than Search for God, even if it did try to take away my warm fuzzies.
Even-numbered Treks
Always seem to be the best
('cept for Nemesis)
Cherry blossoms fall
Another trek is unleashed
Haiku need kigo
Huh. I never did see the last two Generation films.
Generations itself felt like a huge missed oppurtunity, though.
I liked Nemesis better when it was Wrath of Khan.
Here, tell me which movie this is...
1. Vicious enemy with a hatred of the Captain of the Enterprise.
2. Exotic Super Weapon using materials banned by the federation
3. Head-to-Head conflict between ships resulting in the crippling/near destruction of both.
4. Activation of the Super Weapon as a last effort to destroy the Enterprise and it's accursed Captain.
5. The Enterprise retreating in a futile attempt to save themselves form the afore mentioned activated super weapon.
6. Heroic sacrifice of a main cast member to save the Enterprise, but with the glimmer of possibility that we might bring him back to life later.
I'm not big on haiku, though I did once recap all the Trek movies in the pattern of Bloodhound Gang's Fire Water Burn.
McCoy, McCoy, McCoy's got Spock's katra
McCoy, McCoy, McCoy's got Spock's katra
Go to Mount Seleya and perform the fal-tor-pan
Meld motherf---ers, meld.
Oh, and Nemesis is worse than TFF by far. TFF at least has the redeeming quality of Kirk asking the immortal question, "Excuse me, I said, What does God need with a starship?" Nemesis has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Scalzi (or should I say SCALLLZZZZZIIII) you forgot to mention that the Enterprise has to end up mostly wrecked if not totally destroyed by the end of each movie.
The rundown:
The Motion Picture: No wreckage (except for the movie itself)
Wrath of Khan: Enterprise wrecked and Reliant destroyed
Search for Spock: Enterprise self-destructs
The Voyage Home: Klingon ship crashed into the ocean
The Final Frontier: No ships were harmed in the making of this movie
The Undiscovered Country: Enterprise and Excelsior heavily damaged
Generations: Enterprise base destroyed; saucer section crash landed
First Contact: Enterprise trashed by Borg
Insurrection: Enterprise survives
Nemesis: Enterprise heavily damaged
You forgot Galaxy Quest!
:D
Glimmering Can of Rath pales
Whence springs shining star
Rousing trekkers anew.
It was kinda quiet over at “The Prisoner” site.
TFF is by far the worst for one reason:
Uhura dancing naked to distract the baddies.
What a perfectly cromulent use of the word cromulent! It has embiggened the entire post.
I enjoyed Insurrection. While it is super light, that as problem has more to do with how the producers had to avoid the big DS9 war that was airing at the time. It plays with the continuity (Worf has recently been widowed, so he's more depressed than usual, but no need to talk about that). Respecting that part of the ongoing cannon while trying something ti appeal to a wider audience is no mean feat. It might have been an impossible thing to pull off, but not really a slag in creatvity. more like just spread thin.