We were told today to focus on the truth as we went about our work. “Just the truth.”
Today the truth is that Katherine is dead and the downed tanker in Galveston Bay will block the harbor for months to come.
We all feel the weight of what happened yesterday. It bears down on us as if we were the ones to load the bombs and ignite the fuse. The world at large is turning its head towards Iran, but at work, the bull’s-eye is directly on our back.
It’s the end game of all bad deeds: we need someone or something to blame for it.
I have been blamed for Katherine’s disappearance, and while it hasn’t been said, I’m sure K.I. holds me accountable for her death as well.
I feel grief for the loss of this woman, but I also feel angry. Angry that Will gave me this impossible choice that caused me to abandon Katherine in the first place. Angry that K.I. blamed me for Katherine leaving. Angry that Katherine left after we begged her to stay. Angry that I had some part in the end of her life. And anger. Anger that I feel this way at all.
Katherine was a good woman. A woman who only wanted to know the truth. The truth of what caused her husband to take his life. I hope if she found her answer before she died.
The truth is also that I love Will. I love him despite knowing that he is damaged. More damaged now than he was before David’s death. Perhaps so damaged that he may never be whole again. But I love him still.
And while Will can trust me to hold his secrets close, the truth is he may have made a mistake by staying at work, but my fear of losing him told him he couldn’t quit now — he couldn’t quit now after all that’s happened to bring us this close.