You only think you know Steven Seagal because you've watched him play a terrorist-fighting Navy cook in Under Siege and an indestructible cop in Hard to Kill, both of which air during AMC's Crazy About Seagal, which kicks off Sat., Jan. 28 at 8/7c. But he's so much more than a martial arts master who can snap arms like twigs after lecturing in a soft voice. Who is this man behind the action hero? Yes, he's a black belt in Aikido and a deputy sheriff in Louisiana. But what else? Well, to start....

1. He's an Energy Drink Entrepreneur
It makes sense that Seagal's herbal energy drink is called Lightning Bolt. This is a man who likes to strike! The brew claims to have "untold natural power," according to the official website yet despite being the first energy drink to contain Tibetan Goji Berries, Lightning Bolt will probably have a harder time beating Red Bull than Seagal did outwitting the bad guys in Exit Wounds.

2. He's a Psychic
"I was born clairvoyant, I was born a healer," Seagal once told a Cleveland reporter, to whom he also admitted being a reincarnated Buddhist monk. If Seagal's psychic powers had been more powerful, they might've steered him clear of movies like Half Past Dead. (Or does that pic await a rediscovery?) As Seagal himself says, "I was born very different." It's hard to disagree.

Continue reading "Six Things You Didn't Know About Steven Seagal" »

Dramas like The Shawshank Redemption are rich, rewarding, and inspiring. Maybe they even bring you to tears. You love them, and how could you not? But what if these movies went a different way? What if instead of resolving his problems maturely, Andy (Tim Robbins) tackled his issues with bullets and fists? This is alternate-universe stuff we're talking about here, and Shawshank is great as is, but what would the classic prison flick and four other movies be like as action pics?

The Shawshank Redemption
Action Tagline: Redemption hurts!
What Would Be Different: One of the greatest and most inspiring movies ever could go explosive. Instead of through trickery, Andy breaks out of jail by rallying the inmates at Shawshank for a full-on jailbreak. And that escape tunnel he was working on? That's his secret munitions workshop. And all the while Morgan Freeman narrates: "Andy Dufresne was my friend. And his friend was a broken off mop handle. My, Andy could whip a thousand asses with that thing and still have time to tell me about Zihuatanejo."
Climactic Action Moment: In the action version, you can be sure that evil warden wouldn't take his own life. Andy would, of course, beat him to death.

In the Name of the Father
Action Tagline: Fight on, in the name of the father!
What Would Be Different: This Father's Day release would no longer pull audiences' heartstrings as the father of Gerry (Daniel Day-Lewis) tragically joins him in prison. Instead, the prisoners are taking no prisoners on their way to a happy ending. We're talking a good old-fashioned Escape From Alcatraz-style prison-break film.
Climactic Action Moment: If the titular father, Giuseppe (Pete Postlethwaite), has to die, then let it at least be in battle, with him acting as a sacrifice (think Bruce Willis in Armageddon) allowing his son and friends to be free.

Continue reading "You Love Shawshank As Is. Now Imagine Adding Lots of Action" »

Odds are that, at some point, somebody in a suit worth more money than you make in an entire year has suggested that your favorite action movie be rebooted. You may take umbrage, thinking, "How dare they consider remaking Dirty Harry?" And you're right (though I have previously speculated in this column that it might happen and, if so, whom should be cast). But a fancy (and favorably reviewed) reboot of the X-Men franchise is currently on display; recent reboots of the Batman and James Bond franchises have worked wonderfully; and second reboots for Superman and Spider-Man are on the way, as is a reboot of Conan. Our favorites probably won't be left alone. But if only five franchises could be protected, what would they be? Here are my picks.

1. Rocky
While another Rambo movie could come to be, Sylvester Stallone put his signature character out to pasture with an intense yet poignant finale, Rocky Balboa. This story with this character doesn't need to be told again. Rocky has become a metaphor, a story template for other movies, and the Italian Stallion should stay that way. I wouldn't even want to see the casting tape of 50 young actors trying to imitate Sly's iconic "Yo, Adrian!" Gross.

2. Indiana Jones
The Indiana Jones trilogy (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull didn't happen -- you hear me?) was a throwback to the great adventure stories our parents and grandparents used to see at a Saturday picture show. They worked for nostalgia's sake, and they stand up on their own as some of the greatest action movies of all time. Harrison Ford was so good that I think of him as Indy before I think of Han Solo. (Yup, I said it.) Much as with Rocky, nobody could be Indy besides Ford. Trust me on that one.

Continue reading "Hey, Hollywood! Leave Die Hard, Indiana Jones, and Rocky Alone!" »

It may be the middle of the summer movie season, but all the comic-book-film buzz is on next year's Batman flick. Completing the trilogy that Christopher Nolan began with Batman Begins, The Dark Knight Rises has been the source of much casting news and speculation. If you've been following the comic-book-movie column over on FilmCritic.com, you know that Anne Hathaway has been cast as Selina Kyle (a.k.a. Catwoman), while Tom Hardy will be playing Bane. But what about the rest of Batman's rogues' gallery? Join us as we play armchair casting director and offer our suggestions for who should play some of Batman's most memorable villains.

Anna Faris As Harley Quinn
Few Batman villains are as beloved as Joker's deranged sidekick Harley Quinn. While it's safe to say we won't be seeing Joker on the big screen again anytime soon, a Harley appearance isn't all that far-fetched. Perhaps Harley could turn up as an Arkham Asylum therapist obsessed with the Clown Prince of Crime. Warner Brothers could do worse than to cast the hilarious Faris as Harley. Plus the fact that she's blonde will quiet the fanboys who need everything in the movies to be exactly like the comic books.

Bill Hader As Egghead
Okay, maybe the cheesy pun-loving villain from the sixties Batman TV series doesn't exactly fit into the current gritty movies. But in honor of the late, great Vincent Price, who brought Egghead to wonderfully campy life on TV, we'd cast expert impersonator Hader for at least a cameo. He does a great impression of Price's macabre mannerisms and distinctive vocal cadence. Plus Hader's already gone as bald as James Carville. It would be truly -- wait for it -- egg-cellent casting.

Continue reading "Rose Byrne As Talia al Ghul and Nine More Casting Picks for Nolan's Next Batman" »

When you love a movie, you never want it to end. You re-watch it. You quote it. You blog about it. Ultimately, fans want to be in the movie, to live the experience. Who wouldn't want to know the exhilaration of Terminator 2 or Die Hard? But the closest most of us will ever come to experiencing a movie as reality may be at the theme park. A few legendary action pics have become theme-park staples (Terminator 2, Spider-Man), one ride has spawned a franchise (Pirates of the Caribbean), and the Harry Potter series recently got a park for itself. That said, there are some movies I like that I don't want to experience as a ride. Here are five.

1. The Chronicles of Riddick
Why It Could Happen: Because space adventures always make great rides, and the movie's predecessor, Pitch Black, has a cult following.
How It Would Play Out: Fans would follow the anti-hero, Riddick (Vin Diesel), on his adventures across the galaxy while hearing the narration of Judi Dench. Lovely.
Why It Will Never Happen: Because the movie is so twisty that a true-to-its-source ride could upset your stomach. The flick's simple special effects and low-level lighting do not scream Great Adventure.

2. Judgment Night
Why It Could Happen: Because Judgment Night is pretty much The Hangover meets The Warriors. Sounds like the best bachelor party ever.
How It Would Play Out: You start with a can of beer, then enter an RV for a high-budget singles night on wheels. Suddenly, the RV takes a wrong turn -- and wham! You're stuck in an urban nightmare of gangs and poorly choreographed murder in a faux downtown Chicago.
Why It Should Never Happen: People probably don't want to live the not-so-harmless fun of The Hangover, let alone be hunted for witnessing a murder, like in Judgment Night.

Continue reading "Why Kill Bill and Daylight Will Never Be Theme-Park Rides, Like Terminator 2" »

If you want to understand the state of the American action movie in the years before The Matrix, know this: in 1998, there was a movie called Black Dog. For those who can't quite recall, Black Dog tells the story of a truck driver transporting a load of toilets from Atlanta to New Jersey. It stars, among others, Meat Loaf and country singer Randy Travis. This was not even one of the worst action movies of the year.

Needless to say, by the end of the millennium the action genre was in need of a shot in the arm. The action icons of the past two decades were either becoming caricatures of their former badass selves (Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin), trying to reposition themselves as serious actors (Stallone in Cop Land), or selling Bowflex equipment (Chuck Norris as himself in the Bowflex infomercial). Meanwhile, the classic action franchises were withering. Just look at Lethal Weapon 4. The pitch meeting for that went something like this: "Guns! Riggs will act crazy! Chris Rock will ad-lib some jokes! Oh, and Murtaugh is still too old for this shit!"

Luckily, in 1999, The Matrix showed up and blew action fans' asses completely out of the water. Why exactly was this weird movie about computer hackers, false realities, and a war of survival so cool, revolutionizing action flicks in the same way as Terminator 2 and Avatar? Let's answer with a pretend Q&A.

Continue reading "The Matrix Saved Action Movies (Thanks, in Part, to a Leather-Clad Carrie-Anne Moss)" »

If you're an action-movie fan, then you have your favorite action-movie lines (though maybe not written down, like some of us). It just comes with the territory. Spouting your favorite quotes, often with wonderfully terrible impersonations, is part of the joy of dedicating countless hours to watching men cartoonishly punch, shoot, and blow each other up. The top ten quotations (my ten best, anyway) are best served with popcorn and beer, unlike revenge, which is best served cold. (Yes, that Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan classic finished at No. 11.) So crack open that beer and get ready to start quoting the following classics all day.

10. "Bond, James Bond." (James Bond Series)
If I need to explain why this line -- delivered by everyone from Sean Connery to Daniel Craig -- is included as one of the best, then you should stop reading this and go back to your copy of Eat, Pray, Love. The only surprise is that it edges out a bunch of other great Bond lines, including dozens of fantastic instances of sexual innuendo.

9. "Yippee ki-yay, motherf*cker." (Die Hard)
Die Hard is the greatest action movie of all time. Of all the great lines by John McClane (Bruce Willis), this remains the greatest. When he subtly whispers it into the walkie to Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), you know you're in for the ride of your life. The only reason the line can't climb higher than No. 9 is that you can't repeat it over and over again in polite society.

Continue reading "Say Yippee Ki-Yay to the Ten Greatest Action-Movie Zingers " »

What I'm about to suggest borders on action-movie heresy. But bear with me. Reboots and origin stories are all the rage these days, and someday soon some Hollywood exec may say, "Let's make a...[pause for effect]...new Dirty Harry." At first, the idea will make you furious. Nobody can replace Clint. The voice. The attitude. The snarl. Why even try? Eastwood is the man. But a Dirty Harry remake could be successful, if the actor inheriting the titular role puts his own spin on the part (like how Roger Moore took James Bond in a different direction after Sean Connery). So in the likely case that one day we see the origin story of how Harry Callahan became Dirty Harry, here are five actors who could wield the most powerful handgun in the world, just like Clint.

Adrien Brody
I know what you're thinking: whoa! The Pianist, really? Brody couldn't even hold Dirty Harry's badge, let alone his gun! These are all statements I'd be making had I not seen Predators. After watching Brody lead a rogue squad of misfits and mercenaries against a trio of predators, firing virtually every weapon known to man, I walked away thinking I just might have seen a new action hero. Brody got ripped, found an action-hero voice, and didn't take crap from anyone. These are three things one needs to do in order to play Dirty Harry. Brody would bring a studied focus to Callahan, not to mention an Oscar.

Christian Bale
Perhaps this generation's finest actor, he's the kind of guy who can anchor a franchise. Remember, this is the best Batman ever! Bale can transform himself into just about any character he plays: the grim Caped Crusader, an emaciated machinist, or a crackhead (in The Fighter). Bale's intensity and character dedication remain unparalleled, so who would we be to doubt him as the man to fill Clint's shoes? Remember: Clint's a pretty intense guy himself. If you remain unconvinced, please see American Psycho, then get back to me.

Continue reading "Please Don't Hurt Them, Clint - Five Actors Who Could Play Dirty Harry" »