Small Town Security

Small Town Security – Brian Taylor on Forcing the Chief to Diet in Episode 307

small-town-security-episode-307-brian-325What’s up, gang?! This week, your boy Brian is here to lay the straight dope on all you care to know about Season 3, Episode 7, “The Belly of the Beast.” (Make sure you say the title in a deep, echo-y voice for the full effect.)

Pretty crazy episode, eh? Dennis took his troops to the dragon’s den, Irwin and I tried to slay a hungry beast, and Christa was fighting… well, she was being Christa.

This was a fun episode for me to watch as this was the first time I got to see what REALLY went on in the cave and what Christa did when left alone at the office. The cave would have been fun to hang out at, as I don’t mind caves, except I’m too tall for them so I generally steer clear, as I’ve hit my head on too many things over the years. The cave they ventured in was at Raccoon Mountain in Chattanooga, Tennessee. This is yet another fun, adventurous destination here in our area and you should check it out if you’re in our neck of the woods. From what I’ve heard, there’s miles of passageways to explore in those caves besides the camping and hiking you can do there.

As for Christa, I can’t believe she tore up the office over a flipping cricket! If I was there, I would have captured those damn crickets with a lot less mess. So glad Sgt. Baynes got there when he did or Christa would have destroyed the office beyond repair.

While Dennis and the guards were spelunking, Irwin and I were helping the Chief eat healthier and BOY was that a chore and a half. After her surgery, her fuse became even shorter. You may have noticed in an earlier episode where Irwin mentions that one of the side effects of Chief’s surgery is increased aggression. This is absolutely true and you saw a taste of it firsthand.

Chief has always been feisty and mean as a pit bull if you get on her bad side, but we all shook our heads when we heard the news that during her recovery it was gonna be amplified. For those that don’t believe me at how concerned this made us, just imagine waking up and hearing the news that snakes can now fly and spiders can swim. Yeah, we knew we were in for a bumpy ride.

Another issue with Chief is that her doctors basically diagnosed her as a diabetic and we had to monitor her blood sugar levels before we could even feed her. Some of her medication caused her blood sugar to reach high levels, and her constant drinking of fruit juices and popsicles didn’t help either.

If you’ve been a long-time watcher of the show, you’ve noticed I’ve tried to help with Chief’s diet in the past. It’s been my goal for years. Now that I think of it, my only two goals since I’ve known her have been to decrease her waist line and increase the bottom line of her company. As the show has documented, neither have been very easy.

I meant business doing the detox, as there was no messing around with Chief’s diet this time and I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. For years, Chief has wanted to lose the weight and look great, but sadly she never DID anything about it. In the past she would tell me things like: “Wait till I get my figure back,” “What are you gonna DO when I get my figure back?”, “I’m gonna look GREAT when I lose weight,” “What’s Bonnie gonna do when I get my figure back?” and “I’m gonna be SO F-ing hot when I lose all this weight, think you can handle me, Brian?” She would say all these things, then wash it all down with a diet soda, cheeseburger, various fast food items, or a TV dinner with a boatload of sodium and preservatives. She’s never grasped what a diet truly is and this diabetic scare forced me to take drastic actions.

The detox was a disaster as she constantly bugged Irwin and me for unhealthy food while waiting for her blood sugar to drop. She got so pissed at us, she demanded we help her out to her car. I was in the middle of cooking and I forgot all about the skillet being on the stove. It got so hot from being on the stove for so long that once the “tiny” dab of butter hit the skillet, all hell broke loose. Smoke went everywhere and the Koplans’ wacky smoke alarm wouldn’t shut off as it’s tied in to their security system. It was not a fun day and it was so comforting to lay in my sleeping bag for some well deserved sack-time.

The following day, when I started cleaning out the office fridge, I came across an unopened bag of baby carrots. The expiration date was from 45 days prior but they looked OK. Dennis told me not to throw them away, but I was leery of hanging onto them. So I ask you dear reader, what’s the proper protocol on out-of-date unopened baby carrots? If you find the answer, hit me up on Twitter @bman66.

Hopefully, the baby carrot research will keep you busy long enough until next week as we’ll go over the Season 3 Finale of Small Town Security.

[The viewpoints expressed in this post are not endorsed, sponsored, or associated with AMC, its employees, or its affiliates, but rather are the personal viewpoints of the authors themselves and are intended for entertainment purposes only.]

Filed under: Small Town Security, Unscripted

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