Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

TV-lovin' horror nerds everywhere will have cause to rejoice this week when the first season of Friday the 13th: The Series (1987-1990) is finally released on DVD. Despite its title, the show never had anything to do with the Friday movie series or its star, Jason Voorhees. Rather, it involved an antique shop specializing in cursed items and the efforts of the shop's proprietors to get the items back before they inflict the pain and suffering that, you know, cursed items tend to inflict. Initial backlash against a Jason-less Friday eventually died when 1) the show turned out to be entertaining regardless, and 2) the show featured an actress who was so cool she only needed to go by one name: I'm talkin' bout Robey, y'all, she of the massive (like, epic-proportions massive) '80s hair.

My love for the show aside, I do still question the decision to call the show Friday the 13th: The Series, as that would seem to indicate some tie to the movies, when there was none. In contrast, when Freddy's Nightmares appeared on the scene in 1988, the creators had the good sense to include the movie character audiences wanted to see: Freddy Krueger. Freddy cracked wise as host on his eponymous show, introducing Tales From the Darkside-style stories set in and around his Elm Street stomping grounds. Had Friday the 13th tried to follow the same formula in its silver screen-to-TV screen transition, I'll be the first to admit: It probably would have been a failure. Jason, for all his imposing presence in the films, just doesn't have the same wacky attitude Freddy does. But does this mean there's no place for Jason on television? Bah, I say! What about other familiar faces from horror? Is there no place for them? Double bah, I say! People need to think outside the box, that's all. To wit:

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - Small Screen Career Jumpstarts for Norman Bates, Leatherface and Jason Voorhees" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

Last month I went to see Disaster Movie and it was, in a word, dreadful. What bothered me most wasn't the endless parade of pop culture references or even the jokes that made me want to set my fists on fire and punch myself in the face; no, the biggest affront was that this so-called "disaster" "movie" isn't a spoof on disaster movies. It's got an earthquake and an asteroid, sure, but it lacks the disaster film structure and therefore it just ain't right, satirically or otherwise. It's got a couple of parts, but it lacks the whole -- I mean, I may have some sneakers and a copy of Spice World, but this doesn't make me Sporty Spice, you know?

Shut up, I love Spice World.

A Formula for Disaster
While the catastrophes found in disaster flicks vary wildly, the basic formula rarely does. The first half hour or so introduces us to all the dramatis personae we'll be following through the disaster and out the other side -- and usually it's an all-star cast bursting with mega-watt star power. It takes a big budget bloater like, say, The Concorde: Airport '79 to bring together actors ranging from Mercedes McCambridge to Jimmie Walker to Cicely Tyson...to make you slap your forehead and exclaim "Why aren't Charo and Martha Raye in every single movie I watch? Thank you, Airport '79!"

Some characters to look out for include the couple going through strife, but who manage to resolve their difference when the tornado/hurricane/swarm of  bees makes them realize just much they have got to lose/come close to losing it. Similarly, there are the crazy kids who meet and (immediately) fall in love amidst all the chaos. And keep your eyes peeled for my absolute favorite character: The eccentric science-ologist who warns the authorities of the impending tidal wave/earthquake/solar flare, but who's never taken seriously until it's too late. When the mayor or the governor finally asks for help, the science-ologist must then do something risky to save the day, a task which sometimes involves wearing goggles, operating large machinery, or creating a tornado to counterbalance an impending hurricane.

Once the characters have all been established, it's time to add the disaster, be it natural or man-made. There are countless permutations, so when you hit the video store for a doomsday film, you simply need to ask yourself: "Do I want to see people flee from Mother Nature, or from man's own hubris?" These are some of my favorites across all types of disaster film; most of them from the genre's heyday, the 1970s.

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - If the Outbreak Doesn't Get You, The Towering Inferno Might" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

In the forthcoming animated feature Igor, the eponymous mad scientist's lab assistant (voiced by John Cusack) grows tired of being a second banana and decides to become a mad scientist himself. Who can blame him? I mean, I'm not exactly sure what being an evil sidekick entails as I've never been one myself, but I assume a lot of time would be spent running errands -- buying test tubes and the such -- and interjecting a "Yes, master" every once in a while as the mad scientist expounds at length about some nefarious scheme. Let's face it, being a mad scientist's assistant is a thankless job with very little chance for promotion or advancement. If the typical hunched back and atrocious teeth of the evil sidekick are any indicators, then the gig also has a crappy health insurance plan, if any at all.

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - The Thankless Task of Playing Evil Sidekick" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

I have to admit, I'm not big on buffets. There's something grody about shuffling down a line, plate in hand, to weasel my way under a sneeze guard to rummage around in a big bowl of macaroni. I do, however, like the notion of a buffet. I dig the idea of making a meal comprising a little lasagna this and a little mashed potato that, a bunch of tidbits rather than settling on a whole big pile of one thing -- a sampler, if you will. It should come as no surprise, then, when I say that I love horror anthology films... and that I'm suddenly hungry.

Anthology films (or "portmanteau" films, if you want to be all hoity-toity about it) general consist of, three to five stories/segments and a framing device tying the segments together via location or a "storyteller." Occasionally, the stories are interlocking, or they share a common theme. The segments are often helmed by different writers and/or directors, making the overall production a veritable cinematic salad bar.

The British Reign of Terror
Omnibus movies (there I go again, with the hoity-toity) have been a part of horror cinema since the earliest days of the genre's inception. Some of the first films of this type originated in Germany, including Eerie Tales (1919), which includes an adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Black Cat", and Waxworks (1924). The Brits maintained a reign of terror in the world of the anthology film for several decades in the mid-20th century, beginning with Dead of Night (1945). Widely considered to be one of the finest examples of the genre, Dead of Night culminates in a rather terrifying story, "The Ventriloquist's Dummy." The story of Hugo, the dummy who may or may not be alive and evil, is bolstered by a fantastic (and sweaty) portrayal of paranoia by Michael Redgrave as Hugo's...err, right hand man. The segment is genuinely creepy and simply reinforces my opinion that no one in their right mind could possibly find ventriloquist's dummies made of anything but pure evil. Even watching something as "benign" as Willie Tyler and Lester, I always find myself waiting for the imminent moment when Lester will flip out and eat Willie Tyler's face off.

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - Horror Anthologies 101: Something Scary for Everyone" »

Alright, I have to admit: Disaster Movie wasn't offensively bad. It didn't actually anger me. When the credits finally began to roll, my first thought was "Hmm. Well, that wasn't nearly as scatological as I thought it'd be." Whether that's a check mark in the pro or con column, dear reader, is for you to decide. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's plot, as such, is...err, what's thinner than wafer-thin? A bunch of asteroids hit Earth, a tornado hits, an earthquake hits, and Will (Matt Lanter) has to go get his girlfriend (Vanessa Minnillo), who's across town at the Natural History Museum. And...that's it. See, Disaster Movie isn't so much a movie as it is a video crazy quilt; the filmmakers have simply set out to stitch together as many pop culture references as possible in an hour and a half. It's like a year-in-review clip show from an entertainment show, but "funny".

Let me justify the quotes I used right there.

Continue reading "Disaster Movie Review - As Funny As Amy Winehouse With Saberteeth" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

This week Anchor Bay is re-releasing Phantasm IV: Oblivion, the final chapter in the saga pitting Jody, Mike, and Reggie against the mysterious Tall Man. Somehow, the Phantasm films have generally remained above the critical scorn fired at most horror sequels; it's quite possible that this is due to the fact that the reins have remained firmly in the hands of series creator Don Coscarelli, who has acted as producer, writer, and director on every Phantasm film since the 1979 original.

The strange story of a weird (and really tall) undertaker who transforms people into dwarves to do his bidding on an unnamed planet in another dimension is, to put it mildly, not to everyone's tastes. Phantasm doesn't make much sense and it doesn't try to; if anything, it's a jumbled bunch of set pieces that seem pulled straight from an LSD-riddled fever dream -- and yet it all works. The film is supremely creepy and the Tall Man (Angus Scrimm in the role he was obviously born to play) has gone on to rightfully earn his place amongst the genre's most iconic villains. In an effort to convert any doubters out there over to the "Phantasm rules!" side of the fence, I figured I'd make a list of some of the most awesome awesomeness in the film. No, no, please -- seeing you waving that giant "Phantasm #1" foam finger around later will be thanks enough.

Ten Reasons Why Phantasm Rules

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - The Ten Reasons Why Phantasm Rules" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

Why do you watch horror movies? For that blank stare you get from most people when you tell them that you watch horror movies? As for me, go figure -- I watch 'em because I get a thrill out of being scared, a reaction which, according to my scientific calculator and researchers at the University of Bonn, is because of my gene makeup. I've got plenty of friends whose "scaredy-cat genes" are wired differently than mine, however, and I'm always baffled by the fact that they can't handle even the wimpiest horror movie. I can count the number of times I've had the "Dude, I swear, Rumpelstiltskin is NOT scary. Come on, just watch it!" conversation on two hands. In related news, I can count the number of times I've had the thought "Why the hell do I keep watching Rumpelstiltskin? It sucks!" on three hands.

It all goes to show, I suppose, that the world really don't move to the beat of just one drum. One person's Rumpelstiltskin is another person's Exorcist -- you never know what folks are going to find scary. And I'll admit, sometimes even I get freaked out by media that doesn't exactly qualify as "horror."

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - Why My Genes Love Horror Movies" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

Pop quiz, hotshot: When I say "grand dames of horror," which actresses come to mind? Which performers of the female persuasion have made great, lasting contributions to the genre? Though tastes vary, there are a few names that most horror fans would toss into the ring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Karen Black, Barbara Steele, Ingrid Pitt, and the chick who plays the hitchhiker who gets killed whilst eating a banana in Friday the 13th Part IV. One actress who rarely gets mentioned when it comes to horror, however, is one of Hollywood's greats: Bette Davis. From the 1960s until her death in 1989, Davis made upwards of seven horror films -- I'd say that qualifies her as a scream queen, but in these movies she was usually the one making people scream.

Her most horrifying role -- hell, one of the most horrifying roles ever, in my humble opinion -- is her turn as aged child star Baby Jane Hudson in 1962's Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Wacko Baby Jane is scary enough to give Freddy Krueger pause, what with the serving up rats for dinner, the torturing of her wheelchair-bound sister, and for the love of god, the child-like garb, the makeup, and the singing! When the end of the movie rolls around and Jane is completely off her nut, acting like a 60-year-old 6-year-old, it's absolutely horrifying on, like, ten levels. The frizzed out ringlet curls, over-done eyeshadow, and ghost-like pancake makeup equal crazy with a capital C, and honestly, when I see women who vaguely look like that wandering the hair dye aisle at my local CVS, I cut a wide swath around 'em. Hey, I paid attention to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, and therefore I'm pretty sure those women are homicidal...or they're going to sing weird songs about their daddies to me, which might actually be worse.

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - Even in Her Roles as a Creepy Old Lady, Bette Davis Commands the Screen" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

As I was fighting the snarled traffic on my way down to San Diego Comic-Con last week, a sign for the Santa Fe Springs Drive-In caught my attention; see, in this day and age, drive-in movie theaters are like unicorns. When I spotted the marquee -- noting the location for a return trip -- I was psyched. Then I read the fateful words: "Tuesday: swap meet / Wednesday: a tribute to Aerosmith." Now, I'm not going to deny that the absurdity of that particular double-bill filled me with glee. But it also bummed me out because it was then obvious that the Santa Fe Springs Drive-In is dead -- flea markets and classic rock tributes aside.

Going to the drive-in helped me on the road to becoming the horror movie nut I am today. My parents loved the fright flicks and would take me along with them when they'd go. I could bore you all day long with the memories I've got from several screens in my hometown area -- of making my mom take me to the bathroom because I thought I was going to barf (that face-peeling sequence in Poltergeist really did a number on me), of seeing Friday the 13th Part 2 and being scared out of my mind, of seeing E.T. and, as much as I loved it, being a little disappointed that it wasn't scary. There was just something magical about going to a drive-in double feature, about movies being an event, and about discovering that it was way cooler to sit on the car instead of in the car.

To make my sadness over the lack of drive-ins even more poignant, I decided to dream up some double features I'd like to see. A dream, after all, is a wish your heart makes, and my heart wishes for watching horror movies outside and listening to them through crappy speakers hooked onto my car door.

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - Double Features I'd Like to See" »

Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns appear every Wednesday.

Hitting shelves this week is the long-awaited Criterion Collection DVD edition of Carl Theodor Dreyer's Vampyr. The surrealist 1932 movie is a loose interpretation of J Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla and it's got me thinking startlingly profound thoughts -- ruminations on the supernatural, the relationship between dreams and reality -- that have led to some surprising soul-searching. In fact, I've had one recurring deep thought ever since I added Vampyr to my Amazon wish list: Wow, there sure are a lot of different flavors of vampire!

When I think of, say, Frankenstein's monster, it's pretty much Boris Karloff's classic Universal Monsters interpretation that immediately springs to mind: Flat-top hairdo, bolts in the neck and elevator shoes. Most monsters, like Frankie and werewolves, have few permutations. But with vampires there's a veritable rainbow of styles! Everyone's got their favorite type: The one they find the most frightening, the one they'd like to make out with, the one they can't stand, and, for those folks who take things way too seriously, the one they'd like to be. Come to think of it, vampires are kind of like Smurfs.

Continue reading "Stacie Ponder - Something for Everyone: Looking at the Varieties of Vampires" »