Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

You call them "monsters," but you know what? They have just as much of a right to be here as you and I. They're here, they vote, and they love America just as much as you.

Monster-Americans are all over the place these days. They are your neighbors. Maybe you see them at PTA meetings and Little League. I'll tell you one place you won't see these people: Alongside the protesters that think America is a bad place. Flag-waving Monster-Americans are more involved than ever, and many of them want to help improve the country that gave them so much opportunity.

"I love my country," said Dr. Hannibal Lecter, M.D. "This nation provided me an amazing education, the dining is just out of sight, and I can even attest to the value of our correctional institutions."

Dr. Seth Brundle, Ph.D, is another prime example of how patriotism and activism can catch on later in life. "When I started out, I couldn't tell you the name of a single Supreme Court Justice," Brundle said. "But once I got that grant from the National Academy of Sciences, I came to realize just how amazing America is. I've gotten much more involved in the system since then. Granted, I look kind of nasty, but I volunteer a lot of time in phone banks."

Brundle is extremely aggressive about voter registration and even toyed with a run for Congress. Many of us have heard his famous treatise on "Insect Politics." He wanted to extend the right to vote to cockroaches, although some say he was just pandering to the millions of votes available from the underground denizens of Mimic. Still, how can we ever forget Brundlefly's patriotic efforts to drag people into the voting booth? Give him liberty, or give him a very messy accidental biological decomposition.

Monster-Americans are also strong proponents of the nation's moral fiber. Mike Myers and Jason Vorhees, both twenty-year members of the Republican Party, constantly practice outreach to educate teens against the evils of alcohol and premarital sex. "This is a great country," said Myers. "But underage drinking, partying and fornication are major tears in our cultural fabric. If Jason and I have to find creative ways to get that message across, than so be it. It's our patriotic duty and we're happy to help."

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Celebrating the Monster-Americans Who Love Their Country" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

Sharks = Horror. It's a simple formula. You don't even need a cheat sheet. When that formula hit in 1975, multiplied by the square root of Steven Spielberg's directing against the coefficient of Peter Benchley's novel, with Roy Scheider to the tenth power and ... okay, my math analogy is breaking down. Let's go back to the basics:

Sharks = Horror.

So what the heck happened to this franchise? When Jaws hit the theaters in 1975, it scared the collective living crap out of an entire country. The movie defined a new genre, set a new standard for cinematic terror, and even introduced the concept that, yes, two notes from a tuba could make your stomach clench. The movie made people afraid to swim, even in areas that don't have sharks. You know, places like lakes, ponds and bathtubs.

Jaws 2
With that kind of success for Jaws, you knew a sequel was on the way. Roy Scheider was back to reprise the lead role of Chief Martin Brody, (a.k.a, The Man to Whom No One Would Listen). Carl Gottlieb, who wrote the originals screenplay based on the Benchley novel, was back to pen the sequel. However, a key piece was missing from this magic formula -- Spielberg. Who replaced him? Jeannot Szwarc? Too bad this plot doesn't deviate far from the first. Yes, that's right, it involves a giant shark off Amity. Now, if I'm Brody, and I live through that first flick, I'm loading up the car and moving to Death Valley. No swimming pools -- no water at all, for that matter. Does Brody follow this eminently logical course of action? Nope. He keeps on keepin' on in Amity. Not only does he stay, he lets his sons kick it in the ocean among scantily clad bikini babes (good) and, well, and killer sharks (not good). Truth be told, the whole Brody clan deserved to be eaten here to improve the gene pool.

Continue reading "The Brodys Should Have Left Amity - How Jaws Lost Its Bite" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

"Looks aren't everything." What's true in love doesn't really hold true in horror movies -- especially in monster flicks. You can have a great story, but if you back it up with a monster that is so fake your ten-year-old nephew says it looks "kinda retarded," the scare is gone. And now that Hollywood effects legend Stan Winston has passed on, the world is a poorer place without him. One of the great "lookers" in the history of movies, we're talking royalty when we speak of Stan. Royalty. You doubt the term? Too grandiose? Take a gander at the killer movie monsters developed by Winston:

• The Alien
• The Terminator
• The Predator
• All that long-toothed goodness in Jurassic Park

It's one thing to develop a monster. It's another thing to make the monster a focal point in a successful movie, or even a franchise. And then it's a separate level entirely to make creations that don't just do the things mentioned above, but elevate beyond celluloid and become embedded in our culture. Winston didn't just create monsters, he created icons. These creatures have surpassed simple moviedom and ascended into the embedded consciousness of our culture, joining immortal staples like Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein and the Wolfman.

Continue reading "Stan Winston Didn't Just Create Monsters, He Created Icons" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

I'm not buying the hype this time. I'm just not. M. Night Shyamalan took my money for The Sixth Sense. I coughed up the dough for Unbreakable, which seemed to annoy many critics, but as a lifelong comic book fan, I loved it. Then, like my ex-girlfriend Sadie who was done giving up the goods and just milking me for free dinners, he took my cash for Signs, strung me along again with The Village, and for Lady in the Water, ordered the surf and turf and a bottle of Cristal before dumping me and leaving the restaurant.

M. Night Shyamalan, once up on a time you were a sure thing, but you've stopped putting out. And I'm pissed.

Now he's flirting with us again, batting his eyelashes and promising that this time, with The Happening, the movie not only looks hot as hell, it's going to give it up as well. That's right, The Happening hits theaters tomorrow. Yeah, Friday the 13th. Wooo, that's scary. And it should be scary. With all the global warming hysteria, a horror movie about nature releasing a biotoxin that makes people kill themselves could be simultaneously apocalyptic and... so green. A politically correct horror flick? Why not: Enough people in our culture buy into the concept that humans are actually a disease that inflicts Earth, so why not play on an immune response as a plot device?

So I have to ask -- will this be redemption for a man that is supposed to be one of the great storytellers of our time, or will it be another contrived plot with more holes than Fifty Cent? "In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence." That phrase is known as The Peter Principle. This theory postulates that if you are successful at your job, you get promoted to the next level, and keep moving up the ladder until you reach a job at which you suck. Then because you suck, you can't advance any farther. You advance to the point of failure, and stay there.

Sometimes it seems like entertainment can produce the same effect, particularly with the authors and directors who are responsible for large-scale story concepts. In the early stages of such careers, those people go through a tough gamut of feedback and control from editors, publishers, producers, investors and the like. Entertainment is a business, and while fans and critics often moan about the endless commercialization of art, without a happy, paying audience, an "artist" is just some dude living in his parent's basement, ducking away from dad every time the conversation rolls around to "Isn't it time you got a real job?"

Continue reading "Should We Expect Redemption or Disappointment With The Happening?" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

Last week we took a look at monster taxonomy, which might have caused a flashback shudder of high school Science 101 (and for me, 90210, feathered hair and a smack-talking USSR). We examined the classification of gorillas, reptiles, piggies, hungry plants and the omnipresent "He who walks on two legs" weapon-slinging horror of Homo sapien serial killers. That covers terrestrial biological classification. (Yes, I just made that phrase up. I'm quite impressed with it.) Literary grandstanding aside, we're left with a few major gaps in the taxonomic structure: Aliens, the undead and "everything else."

Death From Above
You simply can not overstate the impact of aliens in horror. The pesky critters are everywhere. From Predator to Critters to Alien (including the 1,529 movies that were basically exact copies of Alien), things have bombarded our little planet and racked up an impressive body count. Since the vast majority of alien killers look an awful lot like a human wearing a funny suit and an ugly mask (I'm not pointing fingers here, Killer Clowns from Outer Space, I'm just saying), we must assume that the human biped is basically the end result of any and all evolution throughout the galaxy. Well, at least the evolution that produces psycho killers. So for aliens, a few observations:
• Kingdom: Animalia. There are few exceptions (the original The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers), but most of the extraterrestrial killers have the get-up-and-boogie vibe of an animal.
• Phylum: Chordata. Yep, they have spinal columns
• Class: Extraterrestria (We can't exactly call them mammals, or lizards or bugs, because there are many shapes and sizes and probably, flavors -- if you care to eat the parts left over after the Mandatory Big Explosion Finale).
• Order: Primate. Even though we couldn't go with mammals for Class, the fact that most of these aliens have bilateral symmetry, two legs, two arms and opposable thumbs means we can call them Primates. That does not insinuate that 95% of movie aliens are actually a dude in a foam-rubber suit!
•Family, Genus, Species: This is where it gets hard to nail down, as it depends on the chemical composition of the foam rubber ... er ... I mean, the biological construction of the alien. So we'll list a few educated guesses here, listing just the Genus and Species.

Alien: Acidosis chestbursticus
Predator: Dreadlockicus youareoneuglybastardea
Critters: Dwarfea younameitwe'lleatiticus

Microbial Terror, aka Zombies
Zombies are often considered "undead," but they shouldn't. A zombie is an infected human -- shoot them in the head and they drop like rock. Most people think that zombies are created by a virus, but that's not right either. A virus replicates by tricking a cell into making more copies until the cell fills up and bursts like Tom Cruise's career. A more likely suspect is bacteria, which can reproduce without destroying the host cells in the process. They hang out in saliva (which is, apparently, like a singles bar for the happenin' microbes), and that means they get passed on when a zombie or vampire bites you. Fast-replicating, spewing mind-altering toxins, bacteria have cased many recent zombiastic outbreaks, like, Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later (which is like 28 Days Later, only minus any semblance of a logical plot), Dawn of the Dead, I Am Legend and Shaun of the Dead. Turns out the zombie bacteria has a simple taxonomic breakdown:

Continue reading "Monster Taxonomy, Chapter Two - Aliens, the Undead and Everything Else" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

Real science and monster movies don't make good dance partners. Those pesky physics get in the way, as do wacky things like natural selection and evolution. But quite honestly, none of us give a crap. It's a monster flick. Bring it. Maybe include just enough fact so we can buy in (a la Jurassic Park) and it's on like Donkey Kong (or, in this case, King Kong).

However, our absurd level of enjoyment does not completely excuse us from our responsibility to science. How do we classify these boogers? Is Kong more related to Godzilla, or Jason Vorhees? Just because they is all fake don't mean we can't apply some learning here, so let's get down with our monster taxonomy. Jump in the way-back machine for some Biology 101: Biological classification, taxonomy, the science of saying what animal is what. Remember these homework-flashback-inducing phrases?

• Kingdom
• Phylum
• Class
• Order
• Family
• Genus
• Species

Aw yeah, now you remember peeking at the notes of the guy next to you.

Kingdom
There's only two we have to worry about here: Animalia and Plantea. Yep, fancy-pants talk for Animals and Plants. Protista makes just one notable appearance, The Blob. Clearly, Animals are the dominant kingdom in the world of horror, as it includes mammals, insects, sea monsters and, for the most part, the undead. Cloverfield and Leprechaun and all sizes in-between fall into that Animalia. However, there are a few notable plant horrors.

Plantae Monstera
While newcomers The Ruins (killer vines) and The Happening (killer psychotropic plant spores) want to shake up the natural monster order of things, you just can't been the co-champs of the killer plant world, Day of the Triffids and Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors.

Phylum
The phylum Chordata covers most of the troublemakers on the silver screen. That's anything with a spinal cord, with or without a backbone. Mammals, both living and undead, fall into this category, as do reptiles, giant squids, Clover, Mothra, and more.

Class
Here's where we start to get down to the nitty-gritty. Just look at this list, and you can see where your particular nightmares fall:
• Fish (Jaws)
• Amphibians (The Host)
• Reptiles (Godzilla)
• Birds (Rodan)
• Insects (Them)
• Mammals (just about everything else)

Order
Too much detail to get into here. This is a humorous horror blog, people, not a doctoral dissertation. Each of the classes breaks down into multiple orders. Mammalia, in particular, has twenty-six orders. There's a lot going on in this category, but I've got one word for ya: Carnovira. Clearly, this is going to be the big hitter in the world of monster movies. Humans are not a member of Carnivora, but rather in the order of Primates (who eat animals or plants). So between Carnivora and Primates, we're knocking out about 80 percent of monster movies.

Family
This category has a bunch of Latin I can't read. Therefore, I officially declare this category confusing, ineffective and a general pain in my scientific ass. That's right, it's a dysfunctional family. Ba-boom! I'll be here all week, and tip your waitress.

Genus
The biggest monster genus has to be Homo (okay, when you stop giggling, let's get back to work, this isn't the seventh grade, you idiots).

Species
And this is where the rubber meets the road. Combined with Genus, it's where we get the specific names by which most of us know animals and monsters. For example, you can shorten the huge classification of humans down to just Homo sapiens and everyone knows what you're talking about. At least the scientist-types know. No matter what the level of science education in America, it's still not such a good idea to walk into a biker bar and shout "What up, all you Homo sapiens!"

Continue reading "Breaking Down Monster Taxonomy" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

Giant monsters are having a renaissance, what with The Host, Cloverfield and King Kong raking in box office gold in the past few years; The Host 2 and Cloverfield 2 are already in production. Why? Because, my fine friends, where there is money, there are sequels. And just like the diaper rash of '80s slasher-flick remakes (See Stacy Ponder's lambasting of Michael Bay and remakes-that-should-not-be-remade), we're clearly dreading the hurtling meteor of doom that is giant monster movie remakes, sequels, and low-budget nightmares.

So what's coming? Red-hot remakes of Gammera? Mothra? Unfortunately, the scripts kicking about Hollywood might not be up to that pedigree. Don't fret, people, I've got the info and I'm here to give you the heads-up on some of the hottest projects currently seeking funding.

Pete's Dragon II: Bad Dragon!
If you've never seen Pete's Dragon, please go get the DVD. You can watch it sober, but I wouldn't recommend it. This sequel follows the story arc of Pete as he enters adolescence and starts experimenting with psychotropic drugs. A cautionary tale, Pete's addiction to meth sends him into a flame-breathing rage that sets New York City ablaze.

Godzilla vs. Hilary Duff
Rumor has it this one is already in the can... and already shelved. What was supposed to be a 90-minute monster flick turned into a 15-minute short. The directors just assumed that since Duff can pretend to act, pretend to sing, pretend to design clothing and pretend to create signature perfume fragrances, she could pretend to fight. Turns out, not so much.

Continue reading "Giant Monster Sequels in Need of Funding" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

I'm a big fan of monster movies, and I'm a big fan of DVDs with tons of extra goodies you didn't get to see in the theaters. So, you would think that the DVD for the monster movie Cloverfield, which came out April 22, would be a must-buy for my collection... Not so fast.

At this point in his career, producer J.J. Abrams has the keys to the city (that city being Hollywood). You know the name: He's the producer of huge TV hits like Lost, Alias and Felicity, director of MI:3 and soon, Star Trek (2009) and The Invisible Woman (2010). The man can do just about anything he wants. So when the guy who blatantly ripped off the USA Network series La Femme Nikita with Alias, and who made the chick-flick schlock known as Felicity wanted to make a giant monster movie, Hollywood royalty may have scratched their heads in confusion, but they sure as hell gave it the green light.

That green light paid off, to the tune of $80 million at the box office and a sequel slated for a 2009 release. Now keep in mind, that $55 million in profit is before the DVD moolah, which should be significant. Yep, we're back on the subject of the DVD, so let's break that baby down.

Is Cloverfield Worth the Rental?
• If you've haven't seen this movie, absolutely rent it. King Kong (2005) and the excellent Korean flick The Host (2006) have brought the creature feature back to the big screen, and Cloverfield keeps the ball rolling.
• If you've already seen Cloverfield in the theaters, and are a huge fan of "how they did that" special effects segments, the DVD is pure gold.
• If you've already seen Cloverfield, and you don't really care about FX geekery, skip it. On the small screen it's really not worth a second take, and the non-FX special features of this DVD are pure crap. Did I say "pure crap?" Well, that might not be completely true, they are 90 percent crap cut with 10 percent secretions from marketing scumbags. While I call 'em like I see 'em, I'll also back this statement up with a list of the special features in the Cloverfield DVD.

"Alternate" Endings
Yeah, I put this in quotes, but only because you can't see me make air quotes when I say it. You know, air quotes, that thing you do with your fingers to convey sarcasm? There are no alternate endings. The DVD makers have the gall to market two "alternate" endings, when both endings just take the theatrical version and end it before the final monster scene. That's right, it's the same thing you saw in theaters. This is like taking a 350-page novel, ripping out the last 10 pages, then putting a new cover on it and selling it as an "alternate" ending.

Deleted Scenes
Cloverfield is a monster movie... I don't know about you, but I assumed the deleted scenes would have something to do with the monster. Wrong-Oh, Fish Breath. It's four worthless vignettes from the party that opens the movie, people telling Rob to have a grand-ol' time in Japan. There isn't a single shred of entertainment to be had in these scenes. A total waste, and more B.S. marketing.

Continue reading "Should You Add Cloverfield to Your DVD Collection?" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

There's one thing built into any story involving the undead: They can't really die, because, well, they are already dead. That means their decomposing posteriors always come back for more, and in Hollywood, "coming back for more" means sequels. A first sequel is no big whoop. It's mandatory, and you can still evaluate each movie on its own merits. But when you hit that all-important second sequel, then you've got yourself a trilogy, and that brings on the opinionated analysis of the entire franchise as a single entity.

Case in point: The third installment in the Brendan Fraser Mummy series, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, which hits theaters in August. We're out of Egypt and into China, moving from the Pharos to the well-preserved remains of a Han Dynasty emperor (played by Jet Li). 

So, welcome to Uncle Scotty's Highly Scientific School of Franchise Measurement™. Here at Uncle Scotty's, we score a franchise on an 10-point index based on:
• Actors
• Overall Story Continuity
• Monster Factor
• Special Effects
• Movie Plots
Give each element a 10-point rating, average it out, and you've got your index score. This was developed by people at NASA, using computers and other advanced technologies. There might be some alloys and biotech involved as well -- it's technical -- you wouldn't understand... so just trust Uncle Scotty.

We will need to re-calibrate this score after Part Three hits the screens, but let's take a look at a pre-emptive rating of The Mummy franchise.

Actors: 9
Fraser (as Rick O'Connell) is pretty kick-ass at his version of Indiana Jones. Arnold Vosloo was absolute perfection as the High Priest Imhotep in the first two movies. For the third movie, can we give an early score? The baddie is Jet Li. Jet Li. Mummies are bad-ass enough as is. Now throw in a spin kick and you're queuing up potential greatness. Now, could a spin-kicking mummy also be totally retarded? Sure. We'll have to wait and see, but did I mention, it's Jet Li?

Continue reading "With a New Setting and a New Director, Will The Mummy Franchise Hold Up?" »

Novelist Scott Sigler's horror column appears every Thursday.

Many people feel that Stephen King is the "King of Horror." He's royalty, don't get me wrong, but would he have that title if his last name was something like "Lipshitz"? Uncle Stevie is the goods, no question about it, but if I were to crown a true King of Horror, I wouldst bequeath that title upon none other than Sir Bruce Campbell.

You gasp in shock. You snarl in disgust. You think me an imbecile (which, to be sure, is nothing new). But if you're looking at individual actors, there's really only two people so utterly iconic that their face brings up instant association with a horror franchise: Sir Bruce and Robert "Freddy Kreuger" Englund. Sure, you've got your Jasons, Michaels and Chuckies, -- but those are the characters we identify with -- not the actors. You could, maybe, count that Candyman dude if you could name him... Name him quick! No looking at IMDB! Don't know it? Ha, I have made my point and made it well.

Sir Bruce is on my mind because of the impending release of My Name is Bruce. A movie where Bruce Campbell plays Bruce Campbell. A small town thinks he is actually the demon-killer Ash from the Evil Dead series, so they bring him in to do what Ash would do best ... which is kill demons. I know, I know, kind of a Three Amigos plot, or a riff on that God-awful Julia Roberts crap from a God-awful Ocean's 12. But this is Bruce Frickin' Campbell, man! It's like Smuckers -- it's got to be good. This is going to be the best B-Movie juiciness!

Why is Bruce the King? Just look at this classic body of work, which speaks for itself, and is arranged in order of coolness and campiness.

Bruce Campbell's Top Movies 

Continue reading "Step Aside Stephen, Bruce Campbell Is the Reigning "King" of Horror" »