Why, Michael Bay, Why? The Remakes Multiply
Blogger Stacie Ponder's horror columns will appear every Thursday through April.
Last Thursday I opened my mailbox and found an unbelievable bounty: Three credit card offers (I'm pre-approved! How awesome am I?), an envelope full of Valpak coupons (Hello, 20% off at the dry cleaners!), and a screener copy of the April Fool's Day remake. While I totally dig getting free movies, I can't say I'm terribly excited about the new April Fool's Day. The 1986 original is one of my favorite slasher flicks and I'm simply not much interested in seeing it re-done -- although having seen the trailer, it appears that the new version has very little to do with the old one. Eventually I'll have to watch it, I know. I'm pretty sure that as a horror blogger I'm morally obligated or something.
Remakes. Man, we horror fans can't get away from 'em. Sure, they've been around forever -- there's Nosferatu (1979) and John Carpenter's The Thing (1982), to name a couple of great ones -- but in the last couple of years they've multiplied like cockroaches. Every time you squish one (that is, every time the reviews stink and audiences ignore flee), and you think that's that, five more suddenly appear to take its place. Try as you may, they simply can't be annihilated for good. The horror remake will undoubtedly be standing alongside Cher after the world explodes in a nuclear holocaust.
The current wave kicked off after the success of Gore Verbinski's The Ring. The Western world realized -- Wow, they make horror movies in Asia -- and the market became glutted with remakes featuring ghosts with long, wet hair. Some of these are decent films in their own right; I'll admit I was introduced to J-horror via The Ring (which I love), and The Grudge is almost as heebie-jeebie inducing as Ju-On. Most, however, don't manage to claw their way out of the well. Despite the lukewarm box office of films such as these, the J-horror remakes keep on keepin' on: This Friday sees the release of Shutter, and there's A Tale of Two Sisters slated for later this year.
Hollywood isn't strictly looking overseas for films to update anymore: Now the slasher era (roughly the late 1970s to mid-1980s) is providing fodder for the remake machine. We've seen everything from total flops (When A Stranger Calls) to financial successes (Halloween) and there's no end in sight. Then, of course, there's Michael Bay (and his production company, Platinum Dunes) nabbing up as many classic horror properties as he possibly can: A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Birds, Friday the 13th, and Rosemary's Baby. All are being remade. Or reimagined. Or Riunite-on-iced, or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days.
So what is there for the horror fan to do when a remake of his or her favorite flick is announced?
Well, hey, you can rend your dress and take to your fainting couch if you'd like. Start a blog and post pictures of your middle finger raised high in the air giving a big ol' "F you!" to Suspiria '09. Organize a protest -- look at the effect that idea had on Rob Zombie's Halloween! 
I'll fully admit, it's kind of fun to bitch and moan about remakes. But really, it's a pointless exercise. My blog list of "Top 10 Reasons Why They Should Not Remake Friday the 13th OMG LOL" isn't going to change things in Tinseltown. Then again, Tinseltown won't be getting my money... maybe, eventually, they'll listen to that.
Sometimes, people see remakes and are drawn to the original films; as I said, The Ring led me to Ringu which led me to plenty of other Asian horror films, most of which I've dug. Sometimes remakes are actually good. I went in to the theatre to see Dawn of the Dead '04 all sullen, middle fingers poised and ready to fire at the screen, but then... I liked it! Honey, you could've knocked me over with a feather. And sometimes, a remake can even be better than the original. It's an occurrence more rare than spotting a leprechaun riding a unicorn whilst singing the theme from The Dukes of Hazzard... but it can happen!
Is there a point to all this? I think so... something about my dry cleaning maybe? No, that's not it...ah! I know: Give movies a chance. The new film won't sully the old, so just stick with the original if that's what pleases you. No matter what, don't get yourself all in a tizzy. It's pointless and you'll give yourself indigestion.
Hmm. That all seems simple enough... but does this mean I have to watch April Fools Day?
A fan of horror movies and scary stuff, Stacie Ponder started her blog Final Girl so she'd have a platform from which she could tell everyone that, say, Friday the 13th, Part 2 rules. She leads a glamorous life, walking on the razor's edge of danger and intrigue.
I grow tired of having my childhood bought and sold. Platinum Dunes is not producing quality remakes, I've seen better movies on a Sci-Fi Channel original. As for the Halloween remake, I personally didn't need exposition. Movies opens, six minutes later I have all the information I required from the original. That is why John Carpenter is a genius and Rob Zombie is a has-been rockstar.
I do think there is something we can do about this.
Just dont go. Dont give these "filmmakers" the time of day. People like Michael Bay could care less about what they're making, just as long as Bobby Teenager and Sally Jo Delinquent poop out the dough for it.
What happend to the sequel? Whan did that become such a dirty word? I guarentee you that most of the public would prefer a sequel to lets say, Big Trouble in Little China as opposed to a lame BAYed re-imagined BTILC.
If Hollywood really believes that the public wants their crap, then feed us sequels, not remakes.
I'm with both of you.
What astounds me is that sometimes they'll "remake" a film in what amounts to name only, like with the upcoming Prom Night. If you're changing the entire plot and everything else, why not just give it a new title and make- gasp- an original property? People who love the original are probably going to stay away from the new, and people who don't know about the original at all couldn't care less if the movie was named...you know, Homecoming instead of Prom Night. It makes no sense, I tells ya!
And why not remake movies that stunk the first time around, if you're going to remake anything? How can you hope to improve on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
Sally Jo Delinquent sounds like a cool broad.
I'm with you Stacie on the wrong movies being remade. Remaking something that was already good is just, well...lame. And pointless. There are so many other movies out there just begging for a remake. Movies with interesting plots or innovative ideas behind them but somewhere in the execution for one reason or another something just fell short.
The whole "name only remake" think is another story. It's almost like saying you have no confidence in the movie itself so you are going to sell it on name alone.
First of all, let me say that I would much rather see Bay (or anyone for that matter) give birth to the next great iconic villian of horror, than give an old one a makeover. That said, however, if all the titans in the industry are not great visionaries of originality, but know how to get the job done, I welcome a big budget big screen horror romp with open arms. I really dont want to sit around waiting (possibly) years to see a great horror movie at the theater with nothing in between. "Platinum Dunes is not producing quality remakes"? I would bury you in that debate.
I think as we've grown up, alot of us (not me) have lost perspective. Theyre pissed off because movies are not as scary to them as they used to be, when they were younger. But if you go and talk to an average teen about how scary they thought the TCM remake was or more recently the One Missed Call remake was, they would be like OMG I peed my pants! Whereas, the One Missed Call remake killed a part of me that will never come back.
Remakes like April Fools Day is where the real hostility should be focused. What a terrible, terrible movie. That is a case where the remake actually tarnished the legacy and the filmmakers work should actually be boycotted. But, since it wasnt distributed in theaters, no one is really going to care that much, well, except for Stacie. Who's mom, btw, has got it goin on.
As for the upcoming Prom Night remake, if the financiers behind the project only agreed to the movie with the stipulation that they slap the Prom Night title on it, then by all means, wave that banner proudly because if thats all it took to get a slasher on the big screen with higher production quality than the AFD remake, then so be it, because guess what? The original wasnt that great! *gasp*
Im on the same page with Stacie "Give movies a chance" Ponders, even if my different viewpoint may seem like im not. Its just very upsetting to me when a remake is announced and so much of the horror fan community wants to jump onboard the hate wagon, not appreciating what theyve got and how much worse it could be.
Um, you SUCK because I totally got the April Fool's Day screener, not you.
- Stacie's Roommate
It's an occurrence more rare than spotting a leprechaun riding a unicorn whilst singing the theme from The Dukes of Hazzard... but it can happen!
LMAO!
I agree...why oh why a remake of "The Birds"? It's like John Waters said, "Don't remake the good ones, remake the bad ones!"
Although I'm still backing that "Phantom of the Paradise" one at Fox...
Especially if they get this fellow to go sneaking around a rock theater like a Visual Kei dude...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YDTyBoYsYwE
Yep, the Noel I've mentioned a lot, playing both Vince and the fiendish Hitcher. And if they got Edgar Wright to direct, it would work. :)
All these comments are great, but what REALLY matters here are those ValPak coupons. 20% off on drycleaning? Really? That just kicks ass.
"20% off on drycleaning? Really? That just kicks ass."
You're telling me! There was also a coupon for a free consultation from a window company. Yes, I said FREE!
I agree, the flood of remakes is out of control. While there have been some great remakes in the past like The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers(1978), The Fly there are also really bad and/or pointless remakes including (in no particular order) Planet of the Apes, The Haunting, Psycho, The House on Haunted Hill, 13 Ghosts. Could a remake of Plan Nine from Outer Space be in our future??? It COULD happen. Be afraid. Be very afraid!
I was in all a fervor over the Halloween remake. A FERVOR. But it was just nasty bile. Michael Bay is a hack in the worst way and he's just following his "How To Be A Hack In 12 Easy Steps" Self-Help Book. Hopefully this is his last step.
Like you, I didn't want to like Dawn Of The Dead, but I've watched it several times and the more I watch it, the more I like it.
And Like you, I discovered Asian horror through The Ring. Ju-On still haunts me two years after I've watched it.
And Like you... wait. Am I you?