1. Your reaction to the 12:00 Midnight US rebroadcast of Season 2 earlier this summer: With a prostate the size of a grapefruit, you’ll be up every 15 minutes so you might as well watch the show (10), you gotta work tomorrow so you’ll use the DVR and skip through the Cialis ads (5), when its over, you and your friends will go clubbing (1) ___

2. How do you get your Madmen fix? download from I-tunes (1), Rent the entire season from Netflix (5), you can’t understand why your Betamax can no longer record the reruns of Season 2 (10) ___

3. Upon viewing the pilot “Smoke gets in your eyes”, your reaction was: my grandparents were hella cool (1), So that’s why Mom was so f*cked up (5), Oh, how I miss the days when people dressed properly and knew their station in life (10) ___

4. You refer to black people as: Negroes (10), African-Americans (5), Brotha’s & Sista’s (1) ___

5. Your definition of Classic Movies: From the 40’s, 50’s & 60’s (10), from the 70’s & 80’s (5), from the 90’s (1) ___

6. Marvin Gaye is/was: some chap who is really happy (10), the greatest R&B singer who ever lived (5), the token homosexual on MTV”s Real Life (1) ___

7. Rainbow Party: A formal gathering celebrating the Spring Tulips in the Hamptons (10), a Judy Garland film festival (5), an excuse to use the term “Basket of Kisses” when you send out your e-vite (1) ___

8. Bipolar: a private matter that should never be discussed in public (10), an acute mental disorder that can be treated with medication and therapy (5), the topic of your favorite childhood bedtime book, “Nanook & Nikko: My Two Daddies and Our Happy Igloo” (1) ___

9. Twitter: the newest social network (1), the condition of your heart (“atwitter”) every time you see Clarke Gable on the big screen (10), the derogatory nick name you gave your freshman roommate whose company went public and is fighting World hunger through his philanthropic organization (5) ___

10. 30: the minimum number of years you have been married to the same person (10), the minimum number of people you have slept with (5), the minimum number of friends on Facebook (1) ___

11. You still live with your parents (1), You moved back in with your parents (5), You wish that you never were a parent (10) ____

12. You think “marriage” is: between a man and a woman (10), two consenting adults (5), what happens the weekend after you blow your cash on hookers, booze and gambling in Vegas (1) ____

13. Water Boarding: the method of storing water fetched from the river by your farm (10), a form of torture used to interrogate suspected terrorists (5), Snow Board = Mountains, Water Board = Beach (1) ___

14. You attribute the rotating advertisements on the Mad Men Web Site to: Satanic manipulation of technology to induce wild fornication and abandonment of your Christian values (10), a government/capitalist plot to read your mind and prey on your insecurities while trying to sell you stuff you don’t really need (5), a software algorithm designed to identify certain words and display targeted advertising from paid sponsors [Hey look, there’s the ad for a trip to Manitoba to see “the King of the Arctic”] (1) ___

15. Maverick’s is: a TV western starring James Garner (10), Tom Cruise’s call sign in “Top Gun” (5), the pre-eminent big wave surfing contest in North America (1) ___

16. Douche Bag: you didn’t know it was a feminine hygiene product & you think it is a derogatory term meaning “dillweed” (1), you remember your mother used one (5), you used one (10) ____

17. Joe Strummer is/was: the nice man who delivered ice for the ice box (10), the lead singer of the Clash (5), the pseudonym of some douche bag in a chat room for software engineers & Filipino mail order brides (1) ____

18. Your response to the use of Cialis by your husband/boyfriend/domestic partner: this is a lot more fun than Grand Theft Auto IV (1), a hard man is good to find (5), get that thing away from me (10) ____

19. You think Pink Floyd is: a popular prohibition drink from Miami Beach [Vodka & Grapefruit] (10), a psychedelic band from the 70’s whose album cover still has remnants of seeds & stems (5), a transgender cast member of an all male review of current female pop stars, “I’m comin’ up so you better get this party started” (1) ____

20. A Double Windsor is: a tie knot (10), a stiff drink after a really bad day at the office (5), one of the scenes from the adult DVD “Royals Gone Wild II” (1) __
Tie breaker: Your reaction to this post is: its way too long (1), I will not be limited by someone else’s definition of who they think I am (5), I fail to see the humor in this and I have no idea what you’re talking about (10) ___

(END OF TEST – Whew, and you thought the MCAT’s took forever! Congratulations.)

TEST SCORES

0 to 50 = Glen/Sally: You shouldn’t be watching this show at your age. So what if Kurt/Smitty have this weird Sponge Bob/Patrick vibe to their relationship and Squidward=Sal. Buy a vowel and use complete sentences when communicating with the other groups. Cn U dig it? RU Dwn w/ it?

51 to 100 = Pete/Peggy: Slam a couple of Red Bulls to get the synapses firing before you join the discussion. To para-quote the great western philosopher RP McMurphy, “Put down the wii. You ought to be bird-doggin’ chicks and bangin’ . . . “

101 to 150 = Don/Joan: Be gentle with the Gene/Alice crowd. They thought Paul Lynde and Liberace were straight and they condemned Bill Clinton for disgracing the oval office (the Bush Administration could have used a Monica). Glen/Sally & Pete/Peggy want to thank your generation for global warming, the collapse of the financial system, Condoleeza Rice, high fructose corn syrup and American Idol.

> 150 = Gene/Alice: At this stage in life, nothing will change your mind. However, before waxing rhapsodic about how great the good, old days were, remember that for most of us, especially non-WASPs, the good, old days sucked the big one. If a baseball winds up on your lawn, give it back to the kids. No one wants to be the neighborhood Donald Rumsfeld. BTW (short for “by the way”), I have a PSA (Public Service Announcement) - With help from the Scooter Store, 100% of the cost of your scooter will be covered by Medicare/Medicaid. If not, the Scooter Store will pay for your electric scooter, guaranteed. Call now for this special TV offer.

* Adapted from my column in Cosmopolitan - "What the hell is he taking about?"

Very, very clever. My score was in the Gene/Alice ballpark, and I am 73.

I thought your explanation of the 101-150 range was absolutely hysterical.

Brilliant AND demented! My congratulations.

That was fun, brilliant! I got a 99 ( Peggy/ Pete) and I'm 60... however there were 4 questions I couldn't answer... I thought none of the choices applied. Like #11.
Ok so it was just for fun....Thanks

Thank you all for the kind comments and not taking this too seriously.

For those of you that are literal and want to know your true score, I have provided some alternate questions in case you are not familiar with some of my obscure references. Simply subtitute any of the following for questions that made you say, "huh?":

21. The unwillingness of AMC to announce the start date of Season 3 was: a conspiracy by AMC to mock my loyalty, keep me constantly checking the web site and an excuse to attack anyone with the audacity to ask “when?” (10), a strategic business decision designed to maximize sales of Season 2 DVD’s (July 14, 2009), improve exposure prior to the Emmy broadcast (Sept. 20, 2009) and upcharge sponsors in the second half of Season 3 after Mad Men sweeps the awards (5), there’s a Season 3? (1) ___

22. The recent spate of celebrity deaths has caused you to: send condolences to people you did not know personally and whose surviving family members will not return the favor when its your turn to take the dirt nap (10), excuse some of the seedier aspects of the celebrity’s life (“He touched a lot of lives” – the media; “He touched a lot of young children” – the Santa Barbara County DA) (5), ask who is Fred McMahon and his friend Johnny? (1) __

23. Corporal Punishment is: an effective disciplinary tool if you don’t break the skin or inflict permanent damage (10), the root cause of all of my troubles and the reason I entered the adult entertainment industry (5), has something to do with the military when you don’t listen to that mean sargeant guy (1) ___

24. You think Buzz Aldrin is: The second man to step on the moon (10), the inspiration for “Buzz Lightyear” (5), one of Snoop Dogg’s new homies (1) ___

PS: To those that think this is some kind of marketing profile AMC will you use, this test is solely the property of Polar Bear Productions and is intended for the entertainment and amusement of like-minded smarty pants. Any publication, rebroadcast or other use, without the expressed written consent of PBP is prohibited (unless, of course, you are Matt Weiner).

PPS: If you answered "yes" to all of 10, I want to party with you.

I just want to say, polar bear, my "like" quotion for you has gone way up. Sometimes your posts have left me a little baffled, but this one shows your intelligence, humor and creativeness. I'm on the cusp between Gene/Alice category and Don/Joan. Chronologically 71, but spiritually about 45. Do you really write a column for Cosmo? If so, I may have to start reading it again!

Dear All:

Thank you for "getting it". This test is written fully tongue in cheek. This is not some sociological experiment to determine your chronological age. I am spoofing:

1. Maddicts
2. Madison Avenue
3. Market Research Studies
4. The generation gap
5. The communication gap
6. The humor gap
7. Advice columns
8. Popular culture
9. The Internet as a poor medium of communication
10. The silliness (and sometimes way too much seriousness) of the blogsphere

Think of this as pop culture litmus test and its effect on our interpretation of current events.

Most of these questions are out of right field so I don't doubt some of you may be asking 'huh?". For example, Joe Strummer was the actual lead singer of the Clash (he also wrote one of the most profound lyrics ever, "if you're out there makin' the honey Don't go killin' all the bees". If he really was the man who delivered ice to your ice box, then I should go on "Deal or No Deal" immediately. If he is really someone in a chat room for mail order brides, then he is a dillweed.

If you are over 40, you need to watch "Sponge Bob/Square Pants". The Kurt/Smitty - Sponge Bob/Patrick comparison is dead on and the Salvatore = Squidward is, pardon the pun, dead nuts on.

Lastly:

Matt Weiner = Genius
Polar Bear = Graffiti Artist

Fun! Thanks for the laugh. I am actually Peggy, but without the baby. If you do the math, it figures within 3 years - my first real job was artist in ad agency/packaging design company on 1967, and we had ALL of these people in the studio, everything in this show is so dead nuts it's spooky. Hooray for Matt Weiner et al. Polar Bear, if you do write a column for Cosmo, I am with rozsie, gotta start reading it again. I just don't think I can get past the cover, the 1,395th version of "how to please your man".

I'm a Peggy on the cusp of Joan...just like in real life--I'm a Baby Boomer/Gen X cusper.

Hey, can we get PB some prizes over here? Bring on the cup, the poster and the pen with the little falling guy inside it. Bring a case of 'em.

How 'bout some o' them cool collectible Mad Men Zippo lighters, too, flower? Didn't you offer to trade your MM poster for one of those a while back, Polar?

(If you DO still have any, AMC, I want one, too!)

I would like to take a moment to thank the words of encouragement I received during my spring sabbatical. Thanks to Matt Weiner and the cast & crew of Mad Men, all of the folks at Lionsgate and AMC who expressed their support and appreciation for my unique twist to this show. Since this is the AMC website, the following is dedicated to the hardworking staffers that keep things rolling:

25. Lily Oei is: one of Dr. No’s Ninja-trained assassins (10), a scientifically engineered facial cream that takes off 10 to 15 years (5), the current editor of the Mad Men blog (1) ___

26. Clayton Neuman is: the nice Jewish boy who worked at the women’s shoe store on Flatbush Avenue (10), an indifferent corporate male who ignores my needs and tunes out my demands as a woman/Maddict (5), the former editor of the Mad Men Blog (1) ___

27. John Frankfurt is: a Quaker from western Pennsylvania who designed the friction brake for covered wagons (10),the person who introduced the hot dog at Coney Island (5), the AMC employee who decides who gets the Mad Men promotional swag made in China (1) ___

You are simply too, too much. So clever. Are you a professional comedian in real life? Jerry Seinfeld? David Letterman?

I know anybody can edit, but as a Pennsylvanian, I must protest about the Quaiker from western Pennsylvaia. The wagons (at least the Conestogas) were made in Lancaster County in eastern PA, and the Quakers gathered around Philadephia, hence the name of the "Penn Quakers" of the Ivy League's University of Pennsylvania.

However.....were there really friction brakes for the wagons?