MAD MAN-O-PAUSE
Now that a deal has been struck with Matt Weiner, AMC will need to figure out a way to pay for season 3. Of course, this will mean focusing their advertising toward the target audience of 25-54, DINK's (dual income, no kids) since they may be the only Americans with any discretionary income left.
Fear not, the rest of you! You are not forgotten! We are happy to present MAD MEN-O-PAUSE, a forum purposely designed to address the interests of this very important (and vocal) audience segment. With celebrity columns and articles of interest, you'll get the information you need, when you need it. Subjects to be covered:
The Organ Recital -Tell us what ails you: bunions, age spots, crow's feet, low libido, arthritis, lack of lubrication. Nothing is out of bounds and no detail is too personal. Bring your list of ailments and share it with your fellow Maddicts.
Sexy Octogenarians - No, this isn't a cult for Nadya Suleman. Take our reader's survey and list the ancient sexy celebs with whom you would like to play kissy face. Alive or Dead, it don't matter. Who cares if Tyrone Power is taking a dirt nap and Robert Wagner was sexy a HALF CENTURY ago? Come to Mama.
Dr. Wayne's World - Betty Draper's personal shrink and newest addition to our Mad Men-O-Pause forum. Get advice from our resident psycho-therapist on topics ranging from Zoloft vs. Xanax; The Power of Suggestion: Your husband isn't cheating on you, you're just imagining another woman's lipstick on his collar; and Hysteria: A male induced phenomena. Be forewarned, Dr. Wayne views the doctor/patient privilege as more of a guideline rather than the law. Party Time, Excellent!
Dr. Greg Harris - Once Dr. Wayne has fixed your mind, let Dr. Greg take care of your body. With his understanding of and sensitivity to a woman's needs, Dr. Greg will patiently answer any of your health related questions. He will make sure your mind and body are in perfect balance. Just ask his fiance, Joan Holloway.
Edith Schilling's Weight Loss Column, sponsored by UTZ Baked Potato Chips - "Be sure to try the Lean Cuisine chicken parmesan and the Weight Watcher triple fudge brownie. They are both to die for." Next week's guest contributor will be Ginny Sacramoni so stay tuned!
Bobbie Barrett's Cougar Corner - get helpful hints from Mad Men's own promiscuous petulant puma. Let Bobbie help you get back in circulation with these great pickup lines:
1. Do you prefer chicken nuggets or mac & cheese?
2. Oh pool boy, would you help me with my two piece?
3. Young man, would you come over to my house and plug in my Wii?
4. Daahling, would you like a chilled Capri Sun juice pack?
The Maddict Dating Network - get advice from your fellow Maddicts and find the man of your dreams. So what if their last date was during the Ford administration. Take it from me, whatever they suggest, do the opposite and I guarantee you'll be walkin' in tall cotton in no time!
For a limited time only, the first ten contributors to the Mad Men-O-Pause forum will receive a complimentary subscription to Boy's Life. This month's issue includes a short story by Pete Campbell, "Arctic Assault!", a true story about polar bear who does a lot more than just talk. For you cougars out there, how better to stalk your prey than to read what they read and think the way they think.
Note: The above content does not reflect the opinions of Management, AMC, Lionsgate, Matt Weiner, the cast & crew of Mad Men or it's affiliates. All content is the sole property of Polar Bear Productions (PBP) and may not be reproduced , rebroadcast or retransmitted without the expressed written consent of PBP.
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It should be titled "MAD MEN-O-PAUSE". I will have to fire my secretary (me).
Polar Bear, you are so bad. I think I must retract my earlier statement that we would get along without you just fine. You would be sorely missed.
"Polar Bear and the Petulant Puma" - sounds like a best seller to me! Now who can we cast in the movie? Peter Ustinov and Shelley Winters?
Let's see, for our "MAD-MEN-O-PAUSE" group there's:
Polar Bear
Drink&Smoke
DavidM
Dr. Carroll Adams, PhD (sorry forgot the ititial in there)
Who am I forgetting?
Polar Bear, there's just no denying you're one funny critter, dern your fuzzy ol' hide...
More "columns", please! Don't stop while you're on a roll!
How about one written by Don Draper?
"How I Screwed the Entire Population of New York City! ----and So Can You!"*
*(AND How To Avoid All Those Pesky 'Social Diseases' In The Process!)
Polar Bear you're amazing, you had me at the "...chilled Capri Sun juice pack" something to sip while reading my Boy's Life.
This is actually the very first conversation board I've ever participated in...so I guess I just want to say that my heart will remain broken until the third season starts. Who's everyone's favorite character?
Hello Elizabeth...welcome to the wonderful world of The Maddicts!
My favorite character is Don Draper.
Roger Sterling is a close second.
Of the women, I'd have to choose Joan Holloway.
2nd choice, (women) would be Peggy Olsen.
I am amazed that it only took the 6th comment to get off topic.
As a courtesy to recent fans of Mad Men, I will provide a list of questions you may want to use to create a your own topic:
1. Who is Dick Whitman?
2. Whatever happened to Chauncey?
3. Who is Chauncey?
4. Is Anita Olsen Respola secretly raising Pete & Peggy's baby?
5. Is Sal gay? or does he just have incredible fashion sense?
6. Will Pete find his son and raise him with Trudy?
7. Will Joan dump Dr. Harris after his date-rape in Don's office?
8. Was Don secretly married to Anna?
9. When will Season 3 start?
10. Why is it taking so long?
11. Why is Viagara the main sponsor of the show?
12. Why aren't there more kitty cats on the show?
13. What is your favorite fondue recipe? Is there such a thing as a fondue recipe?
14. Which of these fictional characters would be your friend in real life?
15. Is Glen "the Barber" Bishop creepy or merely misunderstood?
16. Will Father Gill give up the priesthood to profess his true love for Peggy?
17. Can someone please tell me who all these people Polar Bear is writing about?
18. What is a Maddict?
19. What is a non sequitur?
20. Why are you so mean?
Polar Bear I truly believe now because of you there is such a thing as Men-O-Pause you are one grumpy ass sob. (son of a bear of course). There's a great line from Coal Miner's Daughter "Dew you sound like such a grizzly bare always a growlin....grrr.....
Before I sign off can you just tell me one thing? When will season 3 start and why can't I find any reruns on t.v.?
Oh and what does GGILF mean?
Cheers.
Touche, mon ami.
Really what does it mean? I'm a little slow.
Salma Hayek = MILF
Sarah Palin = GILF
SCfan/Zerelda/nearly all the remaining Maddicts = GGILF
Please tell me I can't figure it out
Do you know what a MILF is?
No I said. Now tell me I'm getting sleeping and grouchy. Plus I've had too may wines to figure it out. (good thing I don't have your number or I'd probably be drinking and dialing you)
Sarah Palin is a Grandmother I'd Like to . . .
SCfan/Zerelda, et. al. are Great Grandmothers I Like to . . . Fool
Whoa okay thanks I get it now. But I'm not a mother or a great/grand mother.
I just assumed you knew the term MILF. Mother I'd Like to F*ck. Examples include Jessica Alba, Michelle Moneghan, Kate Hudson and the aforementioned Salma Hayek. Not MILF's: OctoMom, Nicole Richie, my ex, anyone shopping at Walmart.
That reminds me I've got to get a yoga mat at Walmart tomorrow/today.
Polar Bear, you are once again getting on my bad side. I am not a great-grandmother. I am a grandmother, and the only thing that puts me in the "great" category would be the opinion of my shining jewel of a 2 year old granddaughter. Keep it up, and you will be on my PBIWNF list.
Rrrr?
Well, he didn't stay a good boy for long, did he?
Big Surprise.
Neither am I a "great grandmother", PB...not even a grandma---yet.
Chelsea, go over to my ill-conceived (where PB's concerned, anyway) FUNNY JONES thread and read the tempest-in-a-teapot tennis match between PB and me (and zerelda, too, but she knew when to leave well enough alone) and you will read all about the GGILF and a bunch of other PB smart ass nonsense.
And Elizabeth Scheffel, just ignore him...we like it when we all get off topic...most of us, that is.
Hi Chauncey!
Hey, z...me neither...eeeewwwwww
Hey, Chelsea!
I should have gone over to that jokes thread before I came here.... saw where you'd already been there...loved all your variations on the punch lines ...Very very funny, girl!
You can give ol' PB a run for his money (in the clever/funny dept. that is) any day in my book.
.....I visit the joke thread every evening to see what new limericks zerelda has come up with. You are a very funny bunch of people.
Never mind Polar. He just pushing your buttons. Probably acting out his not-so-passive aggressions toward the ex.
(Heh!)
Yeah...poor soul (wonder how many days they were married?)
FUNNY JONES???
I'm getting worse and worse.....help
Back on topic - Love your post, PB. Both the original and the response to people getting OT.
Ya got talent. Need an agent?
Scfan do girls ever really like good boys?
Anyway you and Mz. Z are getting soo feisty! I like it. Keep up the trouble!
Where's Silver been keeping herself these days?
I don't know, Chelsea...but the stinkers tend to make life interesting, don't they?
Well, they're ALL men, aren't they???
By that I mean: Men ARE from Mars and Women ARE from Venus. Definitely.
Truer words were never written.
Polar Bear, LOVED, LOVED your post on Mad Man-O-PAUSE and your "catch up" questions. I come in every few days to read the new posts and the creative, fun answers but unfortunately when it goes off topic there are no appreciative answers and the resulting banter of a few is very boring.
I've also noticed when posts don’t stay on topic, that the comments are fewer and they only last a day or two. They seem like email gone public. Perhaps a new post could be created instead?
To quote SCfan “I’m just sayin.”
Dear all:
As promised, here is your subscription to Boy's Life: http://boyslife.org/
I think you will find it entertaining and a treasure trove of intell for your nocturnal excursions. SCfan, there is also a "Jokes" section that I think will keep you entertained for many hours. Enjoy!
Chauncey: It is so great to see you. Good boy!
I know life on the streets is hard but don't be a stranger. Your comedic timing is impeccable.
flowerpower: thank you for the kind words. And yes, I do need an agent.
485Madison: I've saved the best for last. You write, "unfortunately when it goes off topic there are no appreciative answers and the resulting banter of a few is very boring.
I've also noticed when posts don’t stay on topic, that the comments are fewer and they only last a day or two. They seem like email gone public.
In the words of Pete Campbell, "Exactly!" I understand that the vast majority of contributors to the Mad Men forum have gone dormant until Season 3 starts (and if anyone asks "When?", I am jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge). What I attempt to do with my comments and topics is keep them related to Mad Men while adding a little levity (Lord knows, there isn't a lot to laugh about these days).
Thank you for eloquently and succinctly expressing what I have been trying to say.
Oh, one last thing - 10 bonus points to anyone who gets the Ginny Sacramoni reference (writers from Mad Men and the greatest show ever on television may not participate).
Oh, that one's easy, PB. She was the lovely wife of Johnny Sack who almost got Ralphie offed in Miami when he made the fat jokes about her. If memory serves, she was a dancer before she married Mr. Sacramoni. She was always on a diet except when she was in the laundry room with her secret stash. But Johnnie Sack loved her, and if anyone deserved killing, it was Ralphie, and not just for the fat jokes.
Hey Polar I apologize to you if I got off topic on this topic of yours (Mad Men O Pause) because it truly is genius. Sometimes I feel one can drone on a little too much and I tend to lose interest if it is a real long, long, long paragraph. You however, keep things light and fun which is why I keep checking in .....
Mrs. Z: 10 Bonus points for you! Sometimes, I gauging whether my posts are hitting their target or not (see the whole GGILF discussion above).
On a much more serious note, you do have my respect and I do appreciate the comments and insight that you give. I am an incurable smart ass and if I see an opportunity to "bust balls", I can't help myself. I am like the smart ass in school that the nuns were always disciplining (it runs in the family; the more the penguins tried to punish him, the more he would pop off). Think of my writing as an invitation to fire right back.
Chelsea: thank you for being an unwitting accomplice to my joke about GGILF's. Going off topic is fine, so long as it can lead back to the original premise.
The newbie, Elizabeth Scheffel, is an example of going to far off the beaten path. And just as predictably, SC responds, nearly effectively ending the thread. Hence, my over the top response. My apologies to you Elizabeth; you received the brunt of my humor/annoyance with the too numerous topics and comments by those who may be new and/or too lazy to search the blog for appropriate topics they wish to address. That, and you made no comment about this thread - again, relevancy.
I hoped that my newbie list would illicit some comment (you called me Grumpy, my favorite dwarf). What was unexpected and most appreciated was 485Madison's eloquent response. When a thread goes in too many different directions or gets too personal, we start to lose the audience.
Lastly, I appreciate the compliment but this stuff is either funny/insightful or its not. Save genius for the real writers of Mad Men.
Sincerely,
Polar Bear (the graffiti artist of the Mad Men Blog)
PS If this has upset any of you, remember, there's no crying in the Mad Men blog. See Joan Holloway and ask her if you can go home. Better yet, talk to Peggy Olsen about being tough. If anyone catches you in the Ladies room or in Don's office, don't expect a lot of support.
Sir, should I raise my hand and ask permission the next time I want to respond?
You finally figured it out, Chelsea!
Chelsea: No, just fire right back. Just try to stay on point.
SCfan: Did you enjoy the jokes in Boy's Life? I think many of them are appropriate for your "Funny Jokes" topic. Don't you?
Well, I guess they're kinda funny, if I've had enough drinks, that is.....
Polar go plug your estrogen pump back in. I'm staying on topic!
Would you like me to get you another cup of coffee now or put that call in for you?
Chelsea, it's not "Sir"....it's "Your Majesty"...
now,don't forget, again, OK?
Do they have yoga mats at Wal-Mart?
Yes DavidM they do but I was in flipflops and needed a pedicure so they would sell me one.
Ah, DavidM, welcome to this week's episode of "Wild Kingdom". Watch and learn as the mighty polar bear attempts to herd a clowder of cats into a circle and instruct them on the importance of staying on topic. Oh foolish, foolish bear.....
Wild Kingdom is right, z....
what pb doesn't seem to understand is that he would have better luck nailing puddin' to the wall.
Chelsea, I think there are others on this blog that need the estrogen way more than me (wink).
BTW, thanks for setting me up. Every aspiring comic needs an Ed McMahon.
DavidM, if you live in Illinois, have zerelda point you to the right aisle when she greets you at Walmart. If you live in Oklahoma, have SCfan show you the way. Be forewarned, they are both pretty cute in their blue aprons and smiley face buttons.
Oh, one other thing. Yes, they do have yoga mats at Walmart. They double as rain tarps for the roof of your FEMA trailer when it rains.
DavidM, do you know the difference between misfortune and calamity? Misfortune would be Polar Bear falling off an ice berg and getting eaten by a shark. A calamity would be the shark being a vegetarian. (Yes, Polar Bear, I know this is not really original, but somehow I feel Disraeli would understand, burdened as he was by Gladstone.)
Oooops....oh, dear, z....now you know that should have been posted over on that "gut busting" Jokes thread...
and you also forgot to run your OFF TOPIC warning banner above it....tsk tsk
This is your last warning.....
z....funny as hell...original or not.
You gals are so funny, be careful though you might make the boss mad at us. I certainly don't want to go back to the switchboard. I like my new Selectric typewritter. Could you loan me some carbon paper.
Yes, Chelsea...here you go.
And may I borrow some of your Liquid Paper...
Oh dear, I've misplaced my off-topic banner but what the hell--------
Did you guys know that Mike Nesmith's (one of the Monkees) mom invented LP?
woops...speak of the devil, Chelsea...His Majesty is over on the other thread whining about all us "junior high" "hens" not behaving properly again.
If I ever get that uptight and narrow-minded, I hope I evaporate.
I will post a response to the above to save PB and 485Madison the trouble:
Tattle tale Tattle tale hang your britches on a nail...