If you're gonna plagiarize, I'd like to hear your version of the Aristocrats.

EeeeeZzzzz Bear............& what the hell are the Aristocrats?............nevermind......not interested.

On with the show..........checked the archives....

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the folder to "instruction manuals"...

Your turn Fuzzy.....something original and clever...of cource.......

Funny funny funny, silver!

Polar, are we going to have to sit you in the corner?

You must know some funny, not-too-off color jokes for us?

Anyone who can come up with that hilarious take on 83 year old Don in the rest home can surely give us some good zingers!

And, yes, silver, as far as the Aristocrats goes...we most definitely do not want to know about that...in any version.

silver...it's a "classic" (?!) joke among comics that is supposed to be the most disgusting dirty joke ever...trust me...it is... and again, we do not want to go there.

Come on, Maddicts...spill!

Two 82-year-old women, Flo and Maxine, were talking.

Flo: Do you still get horny?
Maxine: Yes, often.
Flo: How do you handle it?
Maxine: I suck on a lifesaver.
Flo: Who drives you to the beach?

Woooeeee...we are gettin' a little risque...

but funneee!

Nancy, do Flo and Maxine live at Shady Pines with Don??

I love to laugh and you guys made me laugh out loud. So where can I find the Aristocrats joke? Is it real or I thought it was just an urban legend.

Well, Chelsea, if you have a strong stomach just google it and read the thing...hideous.

It's supposed to be the most disgusting, nasty joke ever...and it is.

I heard it (on a comedy roast a while back with Gilbert Gotfreid telling it) and it definitely delivered, if that's someone's "thing" I think Bob Saget is famous for telling the "authentic" version.

I sure didn't mean for this thread to degenerate to that point! lol?

Two guys were out in a boat and one wanted a cigarette but didn't have a lighter with him. He asked his buddy if he had one, and his friend pulled out a rather oversized Bic lighter.

The first guy said,"Well, that will certainly do the job. Where did you get it, anyway?" His buddy said, "From my genie." His friend said, "You have a genie?" The guy said, "Sure, right here under this blanket. I'm about to throw him overboard, but if you want to give him a try, be my guest."

The guy said, "Genie, I want a million bucks.", and within five minutes a million ducks circled overhead. "Genie!", the guy cried", "Not ducks! I wanted a million bucks!"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you", his buddy said. "The genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I wanted a ten-inch Bic?"

U

The "U" at the bottom was unintentional. Sorry!

This thread has a decidedly raunchy tone!

Oh well, I started it with my stolen-from-Redd-Foxx joke!

You should check out the movie, "The Aristocrats". As I understand it, this joke started among stand up comics who would get together after their shows and swap stories. They always try to outdo each other in the telling of this particular joke. The movie has just about every comic alive telling their version of the joke. Some of it is hysterically funny, while some of it just disgusting. I think whether you laugh or not depends on whether you like the comic telling the joke. I saw it with my sister, and while we laughed a great deal at parts of it, we both agreed we wished we had gone to another movie. I think the movie was really made for the benefit of the comics themselves, as it gives professional comedians a chance to show their appreciation of each others' style and cleverness. Not one of them told the joke the same way.

Z, I have heard of that movie but never seen it.

However,I have seen the clip on YouTube or Google Videos of Gilbert Gottfried (sp?) telling it at Hugh Hefner's comedy roast...very funny, but disgusting at the same time. His style seems to fit the joke.

Kind of like a comedian's version of the old game "Keep Talking" I guess...add on and add on.

.....Cute!.....Sandy.....Great joke! Dry (loves it), witty and sophisticated!

A blonde goes into a store and asks the clerk to show her the tv on the shelf.
The clerk says, "I don't help blondes"
She goes home dyes her hair black...
Clerk: I don't help blondes...
She goes back dyes her hair even again, Red!
Clerk: I don't help blondes...
She finally asks how do you know I'm a blonde?
He says, because you are pointing at a microwave!!!
He,he,he (I'm a blonde so I can tell blonde jokes!

Funny, Nora!

You're right, one can make fun of one's "own kind"!

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details"

He asks and the bartender says, "Well, ya see that man at the end of the bar?" The drunk looks over and sees a hugh, burley dude. The bartender says, "If you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step.....the door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three..those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by a man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money".

The drunk says OK, and orders a double shot of scotch, belts it down and walks to the end of the bar, and POW! knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. Bam! Crash! Growl, is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says, "Ok...where's the hooker with the sore tooth?"

Sorry SCfan....it was too good not to tell...

You all kill me.

HA HA

A blonde drives to Disneyland. As she gets close, she sees a big billboard which says,
"DISNEYLAND LEFT"
so she turns around and goes back home!!!

Did you hear about the blonde that got fired at the M&M factory??
She got fired because she was throwing away the W's!!!

Did you hear about the Wabbit that was sleeping in the refridgerator?
They asked him, "why are you sleeping in the refridgerator??
He said, " This is a Westinghouse isn't it???"

...oh, you blondes........you have all the fun!

Silverminx - thanks! I haven't laughed that hard at a joke in a long, LONG time!!!!!

I'm so glad I started this thread.

You guys are sooooooo funny!

: - D

Is the hooker a Maddict?

Yes, and so is the alligator.

Yes, and so is the alligator.

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.

The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

Hey z, a personalized joke!

Like that one, Polar?

HA HA

.........you'd think by now he'd know to check his back.......but, maybe you're right on LadyZ........he wasn't there for the hunting.........2 2 funny!....and after he kills the big white one........next: Godzilla!

Very funny. You could have knocked it out of the park if you had changed Bill to Pete - I think we can all imagine Pete Campbell's indignity at getting screwed and not learning from his mistakes.

Or if you used Sal, the punch line could have been, "You don't really come her for the hunting, do you? Say, I'd like to hear your ideas about remodeling my igloo."

Or Bobbie Barrett - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? I guess you'll do anything to relieve yourself of your hot flashes. And yes, us bears are connoseurs."

Or Don Draper - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? What, one of your kids have another birthday party?"

Or Roger Sterling - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? I should warn you I am 12 and I may be too old for you."

I should stop while I am behind (pun intended).

You're all too too funny!

Or Peggy Olson - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Your Relax-i-cisor run out of batteries?"

Or Bert Cooper - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Next time take off your shoes."

Or Betsy Draper - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Don should have bought you that air conditioner."

Or Betsy Draper again - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? So you finally fixed the washer."

Or Jimmy Barrett - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Who is standing behind who now?"

Anyone else want to try?

Or Trudy Campbell - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? If you thought a talking bear was strange, wait until I am finished with you."

Or Midge Daniels - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? And I thought Alaskan King Crabs were big."

Or Harry Crane - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Take off them panties boy and squeel like a pig. Weeee! Weeee!"

Or Father Gill - No, even I won't go there.

Or Freddy Rumsen - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Jesus Freddy, who is gonna clean up this yellow snow?"

Or Rachel Menken - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Should we pick out a china pattern?"

Or Jane Seigel - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? You'll be walking in tall cotton after I am done with you."

And last but not least, Joan Holloway - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Will you marry me?"

Goodnight everybody. Be sure to tip your waitress and I'll be in the Catskills February 16 to the 20th.

Oh, my God, how do I turn him off?!?! Great lines, PB, and I especially loved the Freddy Rumsen one! We must do this again sometime!

Gawd, Polar...you are a riot. Can't think of anyone you left out.

Poor Harry!!!!!

I can think of several people I left out . . .

Or SCfan . . .
Or zerelda . . .
Or Chelsea . . .

How about Polar Bear?

It'd be one of your own kind, at least...no inter-species cross over! LOL

C'mon, Polar Bear, give it your best shot - I can take it!

Me, too, Polar...fire away!

Uh oh, z...it looks like Polar Bear's thinkin' ------

We better brace ourselves! You, too, Chelsea!

Yes, I can hear the dear old thing rumbling and mumbling away.....

I thought he was supposed to be hibernating until spring....lol

A newly wed fireman and his bride were having some...ahem...difficulty adjusting to their marital state. Finally the fireman said, "Look, we are going to do this thing just like we do at the fire house. When we hear BELL ONE, we get ready. When we hear BELL TWO, we get set. And when we hear BELL THREE, we go."

Starting that very evening, the fireman returmed from the firehouse and immediately yelled "BELL ONE!" The bride obediently raced for the bed. "BELL TWO" he yelled, and she ripped off her clothes. "BELL THREE" he yelled and the mating commenced.

"BELL FOUR! BELL FOUR!" screamed the young bride.
"No, no, no" said the fireman. "There is no BELL FOUR, What do you mean, BELL FOUR?"

"BELL FOUR means more hose," she said."You ain't NOWHERE NEAR the damn fire."

My my my

We are a ribald bunch, aren't we?!

But funny! hee hee

SCfan: It takes me some time to respond because (1) of the demands of my profession and (2) I try to write original ideas that are related to Mad Men, this Blog or the person I am addressing. Cut & Paste from the internet is expeditious but routine. So, in the spirit of mass marketing, Happy Valentines Day, another Madison Avenue creation.

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? After 33 years of marriage, I bet you wished you took up hunting sooner."

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? As a native Oklahoman, would I make you more comfortable if I tell you I am your cousin."

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? And you said size didn’t matter (wink)."

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? How will you explain the claw marks when we're done?"

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Afterwards, you’ll want to soak in your own bath tub, I guarantee it."

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? I guess all the talk of a stimulus plan got your juices flowing."

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? This will give a whole new meaning to “you got me”.

BTW, I had to edit myself because I started to channel Don Rickles. May you lay your fur coat at the foot of your husband's Lay-z-boy and give him the Bobbie Barrett treatment on the 14th.

He doesn't have a Lay-z-boy...but, he does have a nice easy chair.

I don't have a fur coat, will my cut-out handled cushion I use for gardening do?

Well, one more holiday ******* won't hurt, I guess, in addition to Christmas and his birthday....

Hey, where's z's and Chelsea's?

and be glad you're so damn funny...or I wouldn't overlook that cousin crack....lol

What is your "profession", anyway, Polar...either you told us and I forgot (CRS disease) or you never told us. ...? just wonderin'

Oh, and Polar...if you got a look at some of my male cousins, you'd want to **** 'em yourself.

LOL!

SCfan - I'm glad my writing gives you some enjoyment. I try to write things relevent to Mad Men, the blog or the people that contribute to the discussion. Above all, I try to be original and funny.

I have noticed on this and several other discussions that you mention how attractive your family members are. Just because you are attracted to them, don't transfer that to me. Looks like my "cousin" comments are a little too close to home. (this is called "bustin' balls" and its what guys do; don't go crying in the ladies room; follow Peggy's lead and fire right back!).

So here is your chance to redeem yourself - I'd like to see you come up with Zerelda's and Chelsea's punch lines. You don't have to write the 26 different punchlines I wrote, just a couple. I'll give you credit for just trying. Conversation is like a good tennis match. If one side fails to return serve, it gets pretty boring pretty quickly.

So, get off the sidelines, put down the pom pons, and get in the game. No more cut & paste - time for originality.

If you try, I will answer your questions. If you decline, then I will write my punch lines for Mrs. Zerelda. I will also write the one for you that I didn't include on your list. Be forewarned, my inner Jimmy Barrett wrote those.

Your serve.

.....BELL FOUR! BELL FOUR!!

Pete and Trudy are lying in bed & the neighbor's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Pete says "To hell with this," & storms off.

He comes back upstairs five minutes later and Trudy asks, "What did you do?"

Pete replies "I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As we know, Pete and Trudy have been having problems in conceiving children. After blackmailing him with photos of Peggy she found under Pete's pillow, Trudy elected to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Pete kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, 'I've come to...'

"Oh, no need to explain," Trudy cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment Trudy asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Pete and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot," gasped Trudy.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Trudy, quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Trudy exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Trudy.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Trudy, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Trudy leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

At this point, Trudy fainted.

Dry: You're right. In the words of Frenchy Fuqua, "we need mo' ho's".

Might liven up the dialog, no?

Gosh Golly Gee...an "assignment" from Polar Bear!

Why do I have the feeling I'm trapped in one of those "Saw" movies????

Mrs. Zerelda, no, I haven't forgot about you. Here you go:

Or Zerelda - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Mr. Brown, Mr. Black, Mr. Grizzly and now Mr. Polar. It’s like you going through the entire cast of Reservoir Dogs."

Or Zerelda - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? That’s not a rifle, I’m just happy to see you."

Or Zerelda - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? This sure beats the hell out of playing with paper dolls."

Or Zerelda - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? I got your mistletoe. Right here."

Or Zerelda - "You don't really come her for the hunting, do you? First SCFan; now you; who’s next, Bobbie Barrett?"

SCfan - the latest over/under line from Vegas is 3 days until you respond with original material. I took the over.

Some of the punchlines that didn't make the cut:

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Do you GGILFs take amongst yourselves?"

Or SCfan - "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you? Just hold onto your walker and let me do the driving."

I had one about dentures but even there is a line even Jimmy Barrett won't cross.

I know, I know . . . so funny, tee hee, aren't we clever.

Whoops, nice Freudian! "Do you GGILFs "talk" amongst yourselves?"

Zerelda to Polar Bear - "Well, do I get what I came from or are ya gonna talk me to death?"

What's a "GGILF"?

Shoot! Meant to say "came for".

Cattychick, you sorta got lost in the crossfire 'twixt PB, SCfan, and me. Your two entries were hysterical! Pete and Trudy - gotta love'em.

PB, my favorite was the Reservoir Dogs.

Wonder why I didn't just put all these comments in one post? So sorry.

.....I know what it means.

And stop that.

Yeah, what does GGILF stand for?

Sorta like MILF? But...

What's the GG stand for, Polar?

And Polar...are those your "inner Jimmy Barrett ones?" (I liked the one about the walker best!)

I thought and thought late last night and couldn't come up with any good punch lines for z or Chelsea (do I get an "F" on my assignment? boo hoo)... so, I decided to sleep on it, and then thought on it off and on all day so far... finally decided there's no way I could top our silver-tongued wordsmith, (that's you, PB) so I'm glad you've already done z's...now do Chelsea's....

excuse me, but now I have to go down to the creek for a washin'....and brush my tooth. It is Valentine's Day tomorrow, after all....

And, Cattychick, as z already said...you sure did get caught in that crossfire.

You gotta watch out for PB when he's got his claws out!

I also, thought your Pete and Trudy and the Photographer story was hilarious! The squirrels! HA!

Hey, I want to read the dentures one... and, if you're on a roll, just do a whole bunch more...for zerelda......and me......and Chelsea.....and 57Chevy.....and Dry M.......and Drink&Smoke.....why discriminate?

And when you're all played out on those ('You don't really come here for the hunting...") you can start on "Yo Mama" jokes!

Weeeeeeee

That post above was for PB...but, I bet he knew that!

Oh, and Polar...you need to come up with a zinger for z that incorporates her infamous Red Velvet Cake!

Does it stand for Golden Girls?

Selma Hayak = MILF
Sarah Palin = GILF
SCfan = GGILF

Apologize for so many separate posts...

PB...do a set for silverminx, too!

Now, you've really got an "assignment", don't you? (7 or 8 more punchline "sets"---counting all those mentioned above)

This might take us up til July!

PB, our posts crossed...what the hell does GG stand for? (don't explanation for the ILF part)

(meant to type: don't need explanation...sorry)

It's Salma...and is she a Mom?

I know Sarah Palin is....

It's Salma Hayek...and is she a Mom?

I know Sarah Palin is....

God...somebody shut me up....not really.

Yes...really.

Great Grandma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, well....I suppose they struggle less.....

Uh.....Polar?

Are you working on your asignments?????

Oh, Polaaaaarrrr.....??????????

You know a topic is dead when 14 of the last 15 respones are yours. Time to move on.

Hold your horses, Polar Bear, and don't be such a grouch. I believe we will allow the Divine Miss M to have the last word with one of her Sophie jokes - just perfect for the Valentine season:

I will never forget it you know. I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine the other day. The doorbell rang, I answered the door, and there was a delivery boy with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card, I opened it, and it said "Love, from your boyfriend, Ernie".

I said "Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open." Clemintine says to me "What's the matter, ain't you got a vase?"

Sorry, Polar Bear...I forgot to ask your permission.

Strange how you can post half pages at a time but that's all ok.

I remember when this forum was first beginning late in season 1 of MM...it has a decidedly different flavor now. Wonder why?---and what a shame.

If anyone wants to post any more jokes to help brighten the winter (the original intent of this thread) don't bother...the thread is closed...Polar Bear said so.

And, z.--- loved the Bette Midler joke! I just love her, don't you?

Mrs. Zerelda - Nice Bette Midler joke. One of my favorite lines I use of hers is "enough about me, what do you think of me." It's especially apropos for people who have no understanding of the art of conversation.

SCfan - I will hand it to you, you got a lot of balls. You give me the Heisman when I ask you to provide some original material and then you ask that I provide original material for most of the remaining contributors to this blog. Half the stuff I come up with I don't write down because it looks way to harsh (as opposed to a verbal, "in person" delivery).

Since recycled jokes is a recurrent theme here, let me borrow one from Colin Hanks' father, Tom, as told in "Catch Me If You Can":

PB: Knock, Knock
SC: Who's there?
PB: Go f*ck youself.

See, it just doesn't have the same delivery when its written. BTW, glad you figured out the GGLIF reference. And I do owe you an apology, your first guess "Golden Girls" had me rolling. So I take it back, you do provide original material. Please continue to do some of the heavy lifting.

I apologize for taking up half a page. I'll be taking pointers from FancyNancy.

PB...uh...I think you meant to type "yourself"

Whatever...

I always heard that when someone resorts to profanity, they've reached the extent of their vocabulary.

BTW, just when was it that you decided to get on my case, anyway?

Polar Bear, when SCfan started this thread, she did not ask for "original material", just some jokes to make us all laugh. I have enjoyed the jokes posted here, including yours. I am sorry if you have heard every joke ever told, but can't you let the rest of us continue having fun? If we are so boring, just skip this thread, and be assured we will get along without you just fine.

SCfan, honey, I will be posting another joke just as soon as I can remember one.

You go, Lady z! LOL

Should have known ol' crab cakes, Polar couldn't hold a candle to our Lady Of Class, ms. zerelda!

You know, one thing I've never understood about the "f*ck yourself" 'thing' is that it's supposed to be an insult...but, honestly, I would if I could, wouldn't you?

LOL

Yes, and it's too bad old Polar Bear can't do the same, as it would surely put an end to his grumpiness. I asked my husband for a joke, and he offered the following which was sent to him by an old school friend, Irish, of course:

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the bartender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Now that's a funny joke...HAW.

Here's another funny "recycled" (uh, Polar you might want to leave the thread now) joke I just heard on David Letterman-------

Bill Clinton gave Hillary some sexy lingerie for Valentine's Day....

he had to after she found it in his glove compartment.

SCfan,
Could you write me at noraparadiso@att.net?????

A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have gotten out today."

Well, that says a lot for that pair!

funny, though

Well, zerelda, I think maybe ol' Polar B. can dish it out but.....

What's your thinking on it?

(i.e., he hasn't been back since we both gave him a lot of "original material")

Barry and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Barry would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Barry, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Barry went to the fair, and Barry said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Barry that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Barry and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Barry and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Barry replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

SEX AND CALORIES

How much weight do we lose during sex? Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM: Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS: Hiding the sex manual: 3; Decanting the wine: 4; Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE: If you are shy: 15; If you are anxious: 43; If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER: If you are rich (cash): 5; If you are rich (credit card): 15; If you are poor: 200

REMOVING CLOTHES: With partner's consent: 12; Without partner's consent: 187; Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

DISAPPOINTMENT: (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10; Partner wears corrective underwear: 15; Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100; You don't mind: 0.25; Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME: Fumbling around: 4; Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18; Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS: Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26; German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48; English (woman on top; man hiding): 15; American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS: Leg cramp: 36; Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612; Sneezing (during intercourse): 7; Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS: Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5; Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72; Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1; Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17; Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133; Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: Shoes flew off: 15; Expression didn't change: 0.5; Face turned purple: 78; Earth moved: 30; If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX: "I am so grateful": 15; "It must have been something we ate": 15; "Was it good for you?": 15; "Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN: If woman is ready: 5; If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP: After sex: 18; During sex: 546;

SLEEP: Real: 5; Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER: In a bath: 5; In a sink: 150; In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED: With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL: Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold:-

Explaining how: 12; Suggesting something different: 3; Calming terrified Harold: 40; Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8; Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56; Intercourse (standing position): 22; Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10; Intercourse (urging him on): 5; Orgasm: not sure; Thanking Harold: 3; Waving bye-bye: 1; Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting); Total calories burned: 160

Zerelda....how did you manage to type all that out without laughing yourself to death?

"Desperately trying to put something somewhere..."

and

"Shoes flew off" ......

"holding Harold up"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screamingly funny!

I'm so glad I started this thread!

I'm glad you liked it, SCfan. I hesitated at first to post it, but then thought "what the heck". This is not original material, however, (sorry PB) but something my sister found and sent to me. We both thought it very funny, and I thought my Maddict friends would enjoy it also. "Sex with Harold" - low key sexual experience indeed! Do you suppose this describes Kitty and Sal's relationship?

Since St. Paddy's is a few days around the corner...

Pat and Mike open a little pub in a quiet neighborhood, but after a week with no traffic at all, they decide the need to do some advertising. So the next day they post a notice saying "Women drink free." Still nobody shows. The next day they post a notice that says "Women drink free all night. Men drink free until 10 p.m." At midnight, still not a single customer and Pat says, "Ah, lad, I think we went into the wrong business. We should have opened a brothel." Mike says, "Don't be silly, man. We couldn't get 'em to drink beer. How the hell you think we'll get 'em to drink broth?"

One more. Does anybody know the source of this? I'm thinking Ogden Nash or Dorothy Parker, but it goes something like...

The codfsih lays a thousand eggs.
The lowly hen lays one,
We never hear the codfish crow
about what she has done.
The hen we hold in high esteem.
The codfish we dispise.
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

z, it's all the visuals that one gets as one reads it that are so hysterical!

I wouldn't be surprised if Kitty and Sal's relationship was similar indeed, plus he probably fantasizes about Ken "during".....

Funny ones, DavidM!---esp. the one about poor old Esther!

For you, DavidM, as you said you were "an old newspaper guy":

There was a young girl from St. Paul
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball;
But her dress caught on fire
And burnt her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

and for Don Draper and Roger Sterling, though it doesn't mention Heineken:

There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

Yes, I admit it, my name is Zerelda, and I am a limerick addict.

There was a young girl from Nantucket.....

we don't dare.

Great ones Zerekda. I love them, but I struggle to remember even There once of a man named McNair.... I'm sure SCfan can finish that one off.

Ooops, I even punned.

An old favorite:

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner;
At half past nine
They sat down to dine,
And by quarter to ten it was in her.

What, dinner?
No, Skinner!

Another:

Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Has a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you possibly think -
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

I shall stop now.

Zerelda, you're a pip! Whatever that is...but, it must be good because people always say it when someone makes them laugh a lot!

You're a riot for sure.

Off topic...how'd ya like that nice long dose of Hugh Jackman on the Oscars last night? That is one talented, gorgeous fella, no?

SCfan,
Hugh Jackman is one talented gorgeos fella" Yes!!
I really enjoyed him!!

Hi SCfan,
I just tried to write on this site and it failed had an error. Don't know what happened??

OK now it's working, Good!

Nora, not sure, but they may still be tweaking the site. I know they were for a while there.

I esp. liked the "Puttin' on my top hat..." number in the show. He's a classy guy. Hope they ask him back next year.

I remember Bob Hope and Johnny Carson hosting the Oscars....that goes back a ways! lol

.....@The Red Carpet.....How adorable were the little kids from Slumdog! They were SO excited and animated......too cute!!

I can't think of any more advertising jokes but I did remember a PR one.

Moses and the children of Isreal are backed up against the Red Sea with Yul Brenner's army right on their heels. After Moses goes off for a while, he comes back and talks to the elders of the 12 tribes. Here's what we're going to do, he says. Big column of fire's gonna stop the army. I'm going to stand up on that rock, hold up a big stick, the sea's gonna part, we're gonna go through to the other side. Then I'm going to let the stick down, the Egyptians will try to follow us through the sea, but it will close back up and drown em all, What do you think? Crazy, they say. Preposterous. You're out of your mind. So, he turns to his PR man -- we'll call him Don -- and asks what he thinks. "Well, Mo," says Don. "It's a bit off message, but you do it and I'll get you six pages in the Old Testament."

I don't know what came over me. Too much wine, too many hormones, I don't know but sometimes the things that I write about . . .

Excommunication? Say it aint so. In my last post, I thought I threw SC a bone (no pun intended) by complimenting her originality. And Mrs. Z, I throw you a compliment and you throw me under the bus,"be assured we will get along without you just fine."

Well, I am back from vacation so no more trouble from this endangered species. I am all better now and no more grumpiness - I did my own version of the Jet Set last week. I am rested, relaxed, tanned and my bag is empty.

So, let me say "cheers" and please contribute to the hilarity.

Great joke, DavidM!

Yes, very funny, David!

And Z, my sides are still aching, (I re-read it, couldn't resist) from that "Sex and Calories" bit of yours up there.

The visual of the guy's shoes flying off...hysterical.

Also, holding Harold up....so funny

I'm printing it out to keep...that's a perfect one to put in my "Cheer Up" binder for when we need a laugh around here.

Thanks!

Well, The Saints Preserve Us!

PB's back!

He says he's all "rested, relaxed, tanned"---- and de-grumpified...and promises to be a good boy now.....should we let him back in, z????

Oh, sure, why not. If the truth were told, he is probably broke, hung over and constipated. Why kick him when he's down.

Welcome back, Polar Bear, and we are glad you had a nice vacation. Where do Polar Bears go for said vacation in these best of times, worst of times? Did you have to wax extensively in order to tan properly?

Yeah, Welcome back, PB...now you be nice, ya hear?

And get a penicillin shot, you surely need it after all that California frolicking with "Joy" and the bunch!

Oh my gawd what have I been missing lately. These are sooo funny. Polar Bear do me! I mean do some of your one liners at me ;-)

Chelsea's turn!

Polar, you did bring up some for Chelsea back on the 10th when you favored z and me with our memorable punch lines a few days later.

Come on now, let's have 'em....

In keeping with the spirit of this forum, I will recycle some old material from the comic genius, Andrew "Dice" Clay. The following are his versions of Mother Goose's Rhymes:

Jack & Jill went up the hill
each with a buck & a quarter
Jill came down with two fitty

Little Boy Blue . . .
He needed the money

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cubbard
to get her old dog a bone
She bent over
Rover took over
She got a bone of her own

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
her uterus fell out

So, PB, when will you get to the "comic genius" material? I'm just askin'.....

In the mid 80's, Rodney Dangerfield had several "Young Comedians Specials” on HBO. The Dice Man and his Mother Goose Rhymes were introduced to a national audience on one of these shows that included Robert Schimmel, Dom Irrera, and Bill Hicks (one of David Letterman’s favorite comics who unfortunately died young of cancer).

Chris Rock, before SNL, Jerry Seinfeld, before Seinfeld, and Roseanne Barr, before Roseanne, were featured on Dangerfield’s Specials before their careers took off. Many of today’s most successful comedians owe a debt of gratitude to Rodney for his generosity and guidance.

BTW, much is lost in translation by just reading the words. The timing and delivery are what kill in this bit.

I remember Andrew "Dice" Clay, just not where the "comic genius" bit comes into play.

I was being "ironical".

I was being honest and sincere.

Polar Bear, how did you manage to get your picture on this thread with a great big "King of the Arctic" title on it? It says I can meet you in Churchill, Manitoba for $4,595. Is this where you hang your hat? Is it some new money raising scheme you have started in these hard economic times? Did you get the idea from that dating service guy, Tom 2000? Your price is kinda steep. I am assuming there is more involved than just a meet and greet at the local Starbucks? Dinner and a movie at least?

I missed that, z...where did you see the title on PB's pic?

I agree, anything over $4,000 has got to at least include a decade's supply of chocolate.

I AM Tom2000

Z - I know you'll get the obscure literary reference (ok, Heathcliff).

There was an ad posted along the side earlier with a great big polar bear smiling at me. It is gone now. Currently there is a McDonald's ad saying "Quarter Pounder with cheese - you should be so confident". I suppose one could say this, too, is a reference to dear old Polar Bear - at least the confidence part.....

ohhhh...now I see! (the polar bear ad)

Yes, z, confidence---our PB definitely has that! There is, however, a fine line between that and arrogance....

(now, Polar, be nice...we have to learn to play nice together....!)

Nah come on SCfan I've enjoyed you guys slapping each other around..... very entertaining.

I came up with my twist on the hunting theme for tpb.

Don Draper to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting but you would look great on my wife's shoulders.

Roger Sterling to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting but you would look great on the floor in front of my fire place.

Salvatore to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting but hey is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.

Drink and Smoke to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting but can I borrow some of your ice?

The Sudolko whatever his spammer name was to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting but can I borrow some of your writing skills.

SCfan to Polar Bear I didn't really come here for the hunting but I could use a bear hug cuz everyone's been picking on me.

Trudy to Polar Bear I didn't really come here for the hunting but could I have your cubs?

Sarah Palin to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting; but yes I did as a matter of fact.

Liquorupfrontpokerintherear to Polar Bear I didn't really come here for the hunting but would you mind picking up that bar of soap I dropped.

I better stop now.

Well done Chelsea, well done. I really like the Sarah Palin line. Not very sporting to shoot animals with a semi-automatic assault weapon from a helicopter.

I appreciate the effort and the originality. And please, if you think you've gone too far, push on cause that's when the fun begins.

If I were to be draped (pun intended) on Betty's shoulders, would Roger say "I don't know which eyes to look at?"

Thank you Mr. Bear. I try ;-) You are right it is fun when things heat up a bit.

Michael Phelps to Polar Bear, I didn't come here for the hunting, I just like swimming in the icy waters.

Donald Trump to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting, I just think it's prime real estate.

Zerelda to Polar Bear, I didn't really come here for the hunting, just glad to see you learned how to use italics

Michael Phelps to PB - I didn't come here for the hunting. Got a bong load?

Z to PB - I didn't come here for the hunting. I wanted to chastise you for your belligerent behavior, lack of manners and insensitivity to your elders.

SCfan to PB - I didn't come here for the hunting. I wanted to badger you for more material, NOW and to express my disapproval when you use profanity.

Silver Minx, aka Gene Tierney, I Didn't come here for the hunting, I came to snuggle with my big fuzzy wuzzy Polar Bear and shoot all those other blondes that chase after by PB when my back is turned.

Whah
Whaaahhh
Whaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaahhhhhh!!!!- sniff sniff sniff

(everybody's been picking on me)

My hubby never did buy my story on those damn claw marks.

Chelsea, loved your comebacks to PB's punch lines!

My favorite was liquor's! Weeeeeeee

I take it, PB, that you are working on Chelsea's list....badger... badger....

badger....

.....[Sorry about the zinger up there.....I walked away for a couple hours and when I got back thought I was on Nora's thread talking about the Oscars.]

...and what's funny about that, Dry, is that we never even noticed (your posting on the wrong thread), mainly because we are often about ninety miles off topic, anyway...haw... I, of course, I never stray, I am known for staying on topic at all times.....I....I...

Wasn't it hilarious when Betty broke that chair to shreds??? I just laughed and laughed! What did you all think?

Case in point.....
hee

For the guys and gals at Sterling Cooper, parties, sex and alcohol:

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie --
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

A corpulent lady named Kroll
Had an idea exceedingly droll;
At a masquerade ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.

There was a young fellow named Sydney,
Who drank till he ruined his kidney.
It shriveled and shrank
As he sat there and drank,
But he had a good time at it, didn't he?

A bibulous chap from Duquesne
Drank a whole jeraboam of champuesne.
Said he with a laugh,
As he quaffed his last quaff,
"I tried to get drunk, but in vuesne."

There was a young writer named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
We knew that he did it;
He couldn't have hid it --
The question was only who with.

She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity;
So nobody guessed
That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men in the city.

"Roger the Lodger"---Sterling, I bet!

2 hoes came down from Canada all drunk on cherry wine ..... never mind. I can't repeat this crude limrick told to me by one of my Dad's friend's from Chicago when I was just sweet 16. By the way his name was Dino. (no relation to Martin or D&S). He looked like Harry Carey with those great big glasses.

.....There was a young man from Dundee....oh dear, never mind.

I just received these from a friend, and thought they might possibly be up to your standards of excellence.....

1. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

3. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

4. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

5. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

6. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

7. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

8. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

9. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

10. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

11. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

12. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

13. Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

14. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

15. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

16. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

17. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

18. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

19. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

20. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal

21. And the cardiologist's diet:
- If it tastes good spit it out.

Those were good Dry. I especially like #14, #17 and I'd like to change #5 to Santa clause had it right visit some of your relatives once a year.

Funny, Dry!...and don't worry about my "standards of excellence" (if I'm who you meant) I like anything that's funny, "stolen", on-topic, off-topic...I'm pretty easy-going, as are you, Chelsea, zerelda, jamm54, nora, and most of the other "gals" on here.

I'm just surprised my boring little topic got all these hits...and wonderful "funnies" for us all to read during this old drab winter. That's all it was intended to do.

I guess you all read our latest board cop's topic...do we need to change our name from The Maddicts to the Boring Banterers???

lol

I think some folks have gone too long with out "it" and are getting irritable. "It" being our Mad Men series. May I suggest taking an estrogen pill!
;-)

Chelsea, I wasn't talking about you, I was tallking about the new forum topic (about going off topic).

All that up there was referring to 485 Madison's new topic.

I will now go back to lurking, which I should have done the minute Season 2 ended.

I apologize for all my shortcomings and leave everyone to enjoy the boards.

Parties are always a lot more fun when the wet blankets finally leave.

Have fun...

I know you weren't talking about me. I was being sarcastic I read that other topic and I felt like I should sit out in the hallway cause we weren't following "the rules"

SCfan your Majesty that was good! Oops off topic again so sorry. Back to the jokes:

Carrol Adams, PhD. I didn't come here for the hunting, I got lost on a 3 hour cruise.....

Lame I know it.

.....SCfan.....You ARE joking, right?

This thread is really buried back there, isn't it? Too bad these threads aren't movable.....that is to say too bad they don't just pop to the top of the list according to the most recent posts.

Then we wouldn't have to dig for still-active threads, and we would not need "Popular" and "Most Recommended," which are basically useless to the way we use this forum anyway.

Is this off-topic? (Heeeeee......)

YES!! Dry Manhattan you are off topic!! No soup for you! Go to the end of the line.

You needed to have a joke.... bad girl!

(am i bantering? is it bothering you?)

Yes, I agree, Dry M., what is the deal with "Popular" and "Most Recommended"? I seem to remember a while back there was talk of re-organizing this forum and improvements being made, and all they did was make it annoying. It's like digging through a week's worth of newspapers to find that one article you want to go back and re-read. Newspapers - don't even get me started on those - they are dying and I hate it. I can't bear to think of the day when I can't start my day with a newspaper in one hand and my cup of tea in the other. I so much prefer reading an actual newspaper over going on-line and reading it. Oh, dear, guess I am off topic again, and I swore to myself I would be good, oh, yes, I would. Weak as water, that's me....

Right Z. I can't believe I just stumbled and read an old thread by DRYmanhattan. about Nina Simone. It was absolutely beautiful and I love Nina Simone's music. I found her watching an old movie called Sunrise. Bravo Dry.

Sorry don't have a joke this time.

Oh yes I do:

60's Child, I didn't really come here for the hunting, I was looking for my youth I thought I was a gen xer but then I found out I was really a boomer.... dang I'm old......

Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bartender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

I don't know why I love that joke, but I do.

Chelsea! "No soup for you!" Love love love it!!!

BANTER..... BANTER.....

banter

I don't have a new joke, I just felt like bantering....

Dry...(answering your question)---oh, hell...yeah, I guess I was joking. I hate it when I fly off the handle (type first think later)

I just had a backload of ammo (loaded for BEAR) and decided to discharge it.

Damn my redhead's temper.

.....Chelsea.....That was damned funny.....

Because my original material is deemed by some to be a bit inflammatory, I copied this joke from the most recent issue of Boy's Life. The author is from the midwest and I believe his comedic sensibilities will fit quite nicely with this thread.

From Evan K of West Des Moines, Iowa:

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a drink and………..............some peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Why the big paws?”

.....SCfan....Know what you mean....take care not to drive off the end of the pier though. Trust me, "it doesn't end well."

Chelsea.....Soup Nazi....heh heh.....

I'm leaving the jokes to the experts, and happy just reading.

Please carry on....

With St. Pat's Day just around the corner, here is a joke for my martini loving friends:

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

.....z.....How cute. All your jokes are exquisitely dry and witty.

.....(I was referring to the Descartes - just saw the Irish olives. Cue Drink&Smoke.....)

oohhhh Driiiink...don't be mad....or intimiated...we miss you!

I love the Descartes joke.

Roy Blount Jr. says this one will separate true southerners from the rest of the world:

Two old boys were siscussing religion and one says to the other, "Do you believe in infant baptism?"

"The second replies, "Believe in it?! Hell, I've seen it done."

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor: "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report: "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "

Hmmm .... ladies and gentleman ... need I remind you that this is a jokes post.

Someone please tell Polar B he should submit "funny" jokes ....

So Dry you like my hunting joke? I'll stick with that platform:

Polar Bear: I didn't really come here for the hunting, just wanted to get away and mourn the recent loss of my pet chimp ..... we were so close ....

In a large Southern Baptist Church one Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy in the foyer staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The pastor walked over and said good morning and asked the little boy if he knew what the plaque symbolized. No, the boy replied. So the pastor explained: "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' To which the boy replied, 'Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45?'

Chelsea...you predicted right...His Majesty is over there on the other thread ranting again...this time we're all back in "junior high"---- and he's still not over his off-topic and uterus phobias.

ho hum

DavidM and z, enjoyed your recent jokes!

Which service? You made me laugh, DavidM!

An elderly southern woman went into the bank with two Rich's shopping bags full of cash and said she wanted to open an account. The manager asked where she got all the money and she said she had been keeping it in Mason jars in her pantry, basement and garage but had run out of room. "Ethel Mae," said the bank manager, "you should not hoard your money like that."

"I didn't," she said. "My sister, Jolene, hoard half of it."

She worked hoard for the money, so I hope they treated her right....

Z, you're in the know here. Who is the ring-leader of this group in L.A.?

Very off topic in this particular thread, but I need to get some very specific info related to a potential event.

If by group you mean the folks posting on this forum, your best best would probably be Nora Paradiso, as I believe she lives in LA. Dry Manhattan is another good source for all things forum related. They are both very generous in sharing information and wonderful insights pertaining to Mad Men.

Thanks. I will happily explain the mystery in, as they say, the fullness of time.

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. “I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rubbing your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. “Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'” The younger priest practices these sayings, too. “Well done,” says the older priest. “Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: “No way! What happened next?”

.....Knock knock.

I'll bite.....

Who's there?

.....Polar.

.....Polar, who?

.....heh.

oh but that it were so.....

Funny, tho', Dry...

Yours, too, z...

Note to All:

I sure have appreciated all the Maddicts who've stopped by my little seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time topic...I for one, have laughed a lot.

Love to all,

me

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: “There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I get away with it?”

Guilty or Not Guilty??? You be the Judge!

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
LoL: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
DA: Did you know him?
LoL: No, but he sure was friendly.
DA: What happened after he sat down?
LoL:He started to rub my thigh.

DA: Did you stop him?
LoL: No, I didn’t stop him.
DA: Why not?
LoL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
DA: What happened next?
LoL: He began to rub my breasts.
DA: Did you stop him then?
LoL: No, I did not stop him.
DA: Why not?
LoL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

DA: What happened next?
LoL: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just lay down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
DA: Did he take you?
LoL: No! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him.

at the risk of being redundant....z....very funny!

And....NOT guilty.....

: - )

I just started at the top and read through all of these again....it's even funnier than reading them in the little short spurts as they were posted.....makes you want to go "Badump-bump" every few posts!

I hope you all printed these out...I know I did.

or e-mailed them to spread the cheer...

Anybody remember the one Gene Hackman ("Buck Barrow") kept telling in Bonnie and Clyde about the cow?

I can sort of recall it but didn't want to post without the wording being just so...

I do remember Gene Wilder ("Eugene Grizzard" the undertaker they picked up/dumped along with his girlfriend, "Velma" (Evans Evans) laughing hysterically afterward...and all the others sitting there with the "here we go again" looks on their faces!)

Please post if you remember it!

It was something about his "mama", wasn't it? I haven't seen that movie for a long time, SCfan, so I can't help. Great movie, and I can't believe I read somewhere recently that someone was planning a re-make. Can't imagine it. Wonder how Warren Beatty feels about it.

.....It's a horrendous prospect. Faye Dunaway is in a lather about it, and I suppose I can't blame her. The original was masterful.....

I can't imagine such a thing, either...who among today's "stars" could possibly measure up? Zero.

I love that movie...also love Dub Taylor (C. W. Moss' Dad) in it,..."I'm so glad your mah ain't around to see this heah thang (C. W.'s new tatoo)---all mawked up like dat!" (slings the--- whatever (?)---he's stirring with a wooden spoon at C. W. who is sitting eating ice cream and replies, "I don't see where it's so bad...Bonnie likes it..." Poor C. W....so misunderstood. ha

btw...that joke I brought up up there was hilarious in the movie...but it probably wouldn't translate very well to the written form....I did Google it, however, typed in "Gene Wilder Bonnie and Clyde" and it came up (the videos area of Google)---hilarious.

I wish I knew how to put links in my comments, but that is nearly as quick. Enjoy.

He doesn't tell the whole joke in that clip!...I think I remember that the son was putting a little more booze every day in the sick mother's milk and she got a bit better each day as he was increasing the ratio of booze to milk-----oh well....

Sorry about all that...nothing kills a joke quicker than explaining it....

: - ]

You can find the whole Bonnie and Clyde Screenplay at http://sfy.ru/sfy.html?script=bonnie_and_clyde

I miss Attention Deficit Theater!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Memory of Freddie:

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too."

I know I already posted on another thread about this--- "Mad Men Talk" thread (485Madison's) about March 5...but I think it's funny enough (and a great parallel to what we've all recently experienced here on the forum) or maybe I just read that into it...but the similarity is astonishing....

Actually, I should have posted that other comment here...because even though it's not technically a Joke---it is funny, at least I think it is...

just type in "Harry Connick Jr. chickens" on Google's video area search and enjoy...it's a clip from him on David Letterman back in Dec.

Apologize for the redundancy if you already saw my other post.......

More redundancy, but, it's my thread so.... (ha)

Be sure to watch the clip that starts with Dave showing the Fisher Price Rusty Can toy because the other clips don't show the comment Harry's daughter made after the um...chicken dinner...which is probably the funniest part.

Any newbies may want to read some of the funny "bar" jokes on my Oct. 25 (seems ages ago) "SO THIS GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...." topic---there were but 22 posts....but everyone posted some real gems!

also a Jokes thread around New Year's Eve...I'd forgotten about that one..... there are some funny ones on it, too...

I only mention this because we are roughly half way through til the end of July (and Season 3!!)....maybe scrolling back and checking out a few of those will give some folks a laugh...I thought everyone's contributions were hilarious.

tedious, I realize...I am not computer literate...know just enough to get into trouble...

the damn video I've been harping about is on YouTube, not Google..Google's is the abbreviated one....not good.
(& I promise I will shut up about it as of now)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OporluHaRMs&feature=related

Bear with me (I'm on a roll)!!!!!!!

Here's one of Stella Toddler (Carol Burnett)

It's got a lot of Harvey K. in it, too, z!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpWeXSkovCo&feature=related