You think you know what a MILF is? Lay off the Internet porn, my friend. This is a horror column and we're talking about monsters I'd like to...well, you know. No offense to mothers everywhere -- they truly are the glue that holds society together -- but there are some grade-A pieces of monster tail out there that simply must be celebrated.

A few notes: first of all, zombies are basically out. You might want to jump the bones of a megasmokin' vamp, but I doubt many of us are ready to throw down someone who is a walking boil. Second, don't bother complaining about how vampire heavy this list is. The whole genre is about suppressed sexuality (something that Stephanie Myers reconnected with in a big way, all you Twilight haters). Without further ado, here's five girlie MILFs and five guy MILFs (here's to equal representation!) that make horror hard-core. This list is far from exhaustive, and you can bet there will be a sequel to this column, now that I've got the topic on the brain.

Blade (Wesley Snipes), Blade
Who's half-vampire and all badass? Blade, baby, that's who. With the tricked-out trench coat, the shades, the sword, and the superslick moves, Snipes pulls off a sexiness usually reserved only for the full vamps. He'll put a piece of steel through your nasty, undead heart, then, while you disintegrate, he'll turn his head and look the other way, just to show how cold he can be. Hot!

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Note to self: if you want to become a werewolf, spend time in the gym. A lot of time. This kid got so ripped for the part that even air was afraid of him and he walked around in a little vacuum. Before this sequel came out, odds were against any would-be successors to the Robert Pattinson throne. Afterward? Let's just say a lot of Team Edward baby-doll tees found their way into the trash.

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