I've decided I can completely ignore everything my parents ever taught me. Why should I bother with their boring advice when Hollywood gives me all I need to know? Stupid horror teens imparted many lessons about life, as did those ever-so-reliable monster hunters with their timeless wisdom. But for the more esoteric subtleties, you really must sample the tidbits of insight offered by the ultimate icon of horror movies -- the vampire.

Blood Is Thicker than Water
Every family has an idiot. If you can't think of anyone in your family who's an idiot, then guess what? That's right: It's you, because every family has an idiot. And yet that idiot is still family, so you have to go to bat for them, even if they get mixed up with the wrong people. And yeah, that includes the wrong undead people -- just ask poor Seth Gecko in From Dusk Till Dawn. His brother Richard takes him into the mouth of Hell, and Seth goes to bat for him. You can't always save your idiot relative, but dammit, you gotta try, because blood is thicker than water (and apparently much tastier).

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Vampire Movies" »

There are few things more fun than a Top Ten list. We do them all the time here at AMCtv, and hell, for awhile Top Tens and countdowns made up 95 percent of the programming on VH1. I've done several such lists myself, for things like The Top Ten High School Horror and Top Ten Sorority Horror Movies.

So when I had the idea to do a list for mythological monsters, it seemed like a winner. Except for one thing -- those pesky words "Top" and "Ten." "Top," you see, insinuates a certain minimal level of quality; it says you are looking at the best movies a genre has to offer. "Ten" indicates you have that many worth examining. Sadly, in no way, shape or form can I apply either word to this list of mythological monster movies. Yes, there are ten but only six are worth discussing and even those are pretty bad.

What should have been riveting icons of terror is now fodder for wasted-budget flicks trying to cash in on nothing but a known name. (I wouldn't call them "low" budget, per se; some had decent budgets, but the money was spent in unfathomable ways.) Read at your own risk: It's not pretty.

The Movie: Q
The Myth: Basically, a dragon, sans all that fire-breathing silliness. It seems dang near every ancient culture has a legend about a winged serpent, a fact Q incorporates as evidence that big-ass lizard-thingies once roamed the Earth. Roamed, and munched on people, that is. What else is it going to do? Shoot some video for YouTube?
The Legend: If I had made this a Top 10 list, Q would have been number one. If you take into account it was made in 1982 (and bear with the FX accordingly), it's a solid creature feature. David Carradine gets his monster-stomping resume entry courtesy of this flick, and the scenes of random body parts raining down on New Yorkers are priceless.
Snarkiest line from IMDb reviews: "New York is menaced by a plasticine monster, a terrible script... and has only David Carradine and Richard Roundtree doing dubious tough-guy acts to defend it."

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Ten Mythological Creature Features So Bad They're Bad" »

When I mention the trite phrase that horror movies are horribly sexist, I bet some female readers of this column shout an instant, fist-pumping "Preach on!" When I clarify that horror movies are horribly sexist against men, that's when those same ladies decide that this preacher actually spews misogynistic lies. The prevailing belief is that horror flicks are sexist and that the targets are women. But if you do the basic math, the sexism is against men.

Let's look at this from a scientific perspective, and by "scientific" I mean in light of the theories of that early legend of science, Charles Darwin. Maybe you've heard of him? He's the guy who coined that pesky phrase "survival of the fittest." If only the fittest survive, and most horror movies feature a "final girl," then what does that say about the genre's stance on men? Or let's go at this issue another way: Do you actually think horror movies portray females as weak? Tell that to Halloween's Laurie Strode. Tell that to Scream's Sidney Prescott.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Dumb Dudes Die While Leading Ladies Live... Ah, the Sexism of Horror" »

We've had political correctness forced down our throats for a long time, and that got me to thinking about the challenge of treating slashers and other movie killers as "real human beings." Oh, wait... saying "forced down our throats" is probably potentially offensive. Hmmm ... well, I guess the PC way to phrase it is "brutal serial killers have just as much a right to tasty candy treats as we do."

I mean, who doesn't love Halloween? OK, the grumpy dude who tells kids to "get the hell of my porch!" doesn't. And there are fundamentalists who say the day is a tribute to Satan. But besides them, who doesn't love Halloween? And in our culture of accepting all people at all times for all things, are you going to tell me that Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger don't have equal rights to trick-or-treat goodness? Some mini-Snickers, an endless pile of candy corn or even Kit Kats? Jigsaw has as much right to treats as the next guy.

That said, there are parameters for social acceptance -- you have the right to free speech, but not to shout "fire" in a crowded theater. Seeing Jason Voorhes walking through the neighborhood with his mask and bloody machete would cause a panic. So in the interests of giving these cats their now-inalienable rights and maintain social decorum, we need to give iconic killers their very own Halloween costumes.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - This Halloween, Jigsaw's Going as Wilbur the Pig and Chucky's Going as Mini-Me" »

As a child of the 1980s, I like to think that the horror movies of that era are the biggest and best of all time. The '80s and '90s gave us iconic killers like Freddy, Jason and Michael (throw in a Chucky if you like, but the big three are still the big three).

But guess what, Generation X -- all our favorite franchises are about to be left in the dust. When Saw VI opens on Friday, it will most likely confirm that the Saw movies constitute the biggest horror-movie franchise in US history.

Hollywood is about making dinero, so we're scoring this contest with straight-up dollas -- and Saw is about to become the king of the hill. Granted, this form of score keeping is a little unfair: $20 million in 1989 had a hell of a lot more purchasing power than $20 million in 2009. Since the Saw franchise is only six years old, the box office take of  each of its movies is inflated by comparison with, say, any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies that came out in the '80s. Plus, the average price of a movie ticket in the '80s was between $3.50 and $4.00; it's more than twice that now -- hell, in some theaters it cost $16.50 to see The Final Destination in 3D.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Move Over Michael... Jigsaw Is Horror's New King of the Kill" »

A few weeks back we looked at the deadly institution of Greek sororities in a little column titled Delta Delta Doom. College, it seems, can be dangerous. But garbage out means garbage in, and these collegiate killers had to come from somewhere. Where they came from, Dear Reader, is hellish high schools. Continuing on our theme of deadly educations, I give you the Top Ten High School Horror Flicks.

First, the Honorable Mentions:
• Prom Night
• Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II
• Class of Nuke 'Em High
• Massacre at Central High
• Class of 1999
• Resident Evil: Apocalypse

They're good, but not good enough. Thanks for playing!

10. Student Bodies
Billed as the first horror-comedy flick, when this bad boy came out it spoofed slasher flicks like Prom Night, Halloween and Friday the 13th. Complete with a running, on-screen body count, Student Bodies hammed up the horror and dialed in the heavy-breathing, killer-cam style of the time (the killer, played by Richard Belzer, is known as "The Breather"). Murder weapons included an eraser, paper clips and clever use of a horse-head bookend. Why is it on this list in front of honorable mentions like Prom Night and Class of Nuke 'Em High? Because of the high body count tallied inside the high school, and because of its early foray into the now-lucrative horror-comedy category (say "thank you," Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead).

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Detention and Death in the Top Ten High School Horror Flicks" »

Time for another Twitter-sourced column, Dear Reader. This time, we polled the Twitterati for gems of wisdom culled from horror movies, and the result is "All I Need to Know I Learned From Monster Hunters." Because let's be honest: For all the idiots who die the death of the stupid in horror flicks, the monster hunter almost always lives. Especially if he or she is franchise: Hell, Buffy, died twice and she got to come back (twice), so clearly this is a group whose members can give us excellent guidance for success.

"By perseverance the snail reached the ark." -- Charles Spurgeon
"Zombies are getting faster all the time." @ManWithPez
No kidding! Remember the good old days of shambling, decomposing mounds of humanity? Zombies used to get by on sheer perseverance; now, they have 4.6 speed in the 40-yard dash, like the speedsters in 28 Days Later and the 2004's Dawn of the Dead. Monster hunters know that speed kills, and cardio, as we're also reminded in Zombieland -- is critical.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Monster Hunters" »

Few phrases conjure such vivid memories as "Hammer Horror," which evokes a time when fright flicks had ambitions that exceeded their low budgets. The House of Hammer built both a loyal audience and an international reputation on the basis of solid stories, robust acting and a commitment to pushing the boundaries of gore, violence and eroticism. The Hamma is poised for a major comeback, and horror aficionados can only hope the new generation of Hammer horror movies will build on those traditions.

Hammer Film Productions began kicking out a variety of genre movies in 1935, but it was the studio's high quality, low-budget horror that brought it lasting fame. The first full-fledged "Hammer Horror" flick was 1957's The Curse of Frankenstein, and Universal Pictures, the home of classic Frankenstein moves from 1931 through 1948, kept a close eye on what Hammer was up to. Hammer succeeded in making an original movie that avoided references to Universal's 1931 original and upped the ante for on-screen violence into the bargain. In fact, Curse of Frankenstein was so gory by 1957 standards that critics felt compelled to rail against it. The public ate it up and a new monster studio was born.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - It's Hammer Time! The Classic Horror Production House Stages a Comeback" »

Our theaters will soon be filled with the space-spookiness that is Pandorum, which features mutants rampaging across a spaceship. Rumor has it the movie has the scent of Aliens, the robustness of Pitch Black and a touch of 30 Days of Night. Starring Dennis Quaid (Inner Space) and Ben Foster (30 Days of Night), Pandorum is designed to continue the genre-movie box office assault started by The Final Destination 3D and Halloween II.

The darkness and isolation of deep space has always appealed to Hollywood, which knows a made-for-horror setting when it sees it. And while many grand flicks have been back-dropped by the great void, does Pandorum stand a chance of joining them? Let's start by taking a look at the competition, courtesy of my incredibly accurate and inarguable list of the Top Seven Cosmic Creepshows. Why seven? Well, Pandorum is a made-up word, so I just made up a number for my top movie list (take that, smart-ass Pandorum!).

7. Jason X (2002)
OK, this isn't the greatest vision ever committed to celluloid immortality. But you know what it's got? The ultimate icon of horror, Jason Voorhees, and the depths of space. Add 'em together and what do you get? Space-horror. The math is simple, kids, so stick with me or Jason will reduce you to the square root of nothing but a bloody streak across the floor.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Seven Cosmic Creepshows" »

If you've been to a movie recently, you've probably seen the amazing trailer for 9, a crazy, computer-animated flick that launched, of course, on Sep. 9, 2009 (you know, 9/9/9). It looks absolutely gorgeous, and while reviews are mixed (this intrepid blogger has yet to see it), there's consensus on one thing: 9 is dark and more than a bit disturbing.

Little puppet "9" (who, for the record, isn't as hot as Star Trek: Voyager's Seven of Nine... hey, needs to be said), comes to life in a post-apocalyptic world, discovers a small community of others like him (conveniently named 1 through 8) hiding from mean-ass machines, and winds up with the weight of the future resting on his burlap shoulders. Can he and his friends save the planet? This wild preview got me to thinking about animated horror flicks, and as I started my top-ten list I thought, "Why not trim one to honor 9" (and, incidentally, give me 10 percent less work this week)? And so I give you the Top Nine Animated Horror Flicks of all time.

Heavy Metal (1981)
While you do not have to do acid to dig this flick, it sure as hell doesn't hurt. An animation achievement from the early '80s, this semi-insane cartoon combines elements of fantasy, horror, scifi and soft-core porn. Yeah, that's quite a mouthful, isn't it? Leather-clad chicks on dragons, buff dudes slaying anything that moves, melodramatic voice-overs and more! Get your dose of horror in the bar scene with decapitated aliens, zombie bomber pilots and melting people. Melting people always count as horror.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - 9 On Your Mind? Check Out These Nine Great Animated Horror Pics" »