I've often walked out of the theater after seeing a horror flick and had a friend ask what I thought. If it was good, I usually reply, "That movie was frickin' sweet." But while many horror movies are sweet, few are actually about sweets. For the edification of good citizens everywhere, I've gathered some of these influential films into a list. Behold: I give you movies that star confectionery killers.

The Gingerdead Man (2005; watch the trailer)
What list of sweets-related horror flicks (and I'm sure there are many) would be complete without this phenomenal Gary Busey effort? In this cult classic, Gary voices a pissed-off, psychotic gingerbread cookie. No, I'm not making this up. But if I had been the guy who made it up, I could die a happy man.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Confectionery Killers Serve the Sweet Taste of Death" »

Summer vacation? Maybe for some. But not you, you truant little bastard. It's detention for you, and in detention we talk history. But fret not: It isn't the history of dudes in white wigs and knee socks. It's the history of horror movies. Time again for a retrospective look at this wonderful industry we all love, and how better to start than with a flick that changed horror cinema forever ...

Thirty Years Ago - Alien (May 1979)
It's hard to measure Alien's impact: Director Ridley Scott combined horror and scifi, using the isolation of deep space to paint a tale of terror that had audiences guessing and gasping. Pitched as "Jaws in space," Alien got financing thanks to the smash success of Star Wars in 1977. At $9 million, Alien was expensive for its time, but paid off big for 20th Century Fox, grossing $208 million to date. Alien has out-earned the sequel, 1986's Aliens, another landmark mix of hard scifi and brutal horror; it cost $17 million and has earned $183 million to date. Alien won a best visual effects Oscar and launched the career of Sigourney Weaver, who ten years later starred in another horror-related blockbuster...

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Horror 30/20/10, Aliens, Ghosts, Witches and Motion Sickness" »

Two months ago, I shocked the world with a riveting expose on one of the most barbaric, Satanic, horrific and despicable displays of horror debauchery ever displayed on the small screen.

That's right, I cracked open a can of journalistic whup-ass on South Park. I dared go where no reporter has gone before. Well, some have tried, but wound up dead thanks to the vindictive natures of Matt Stone and Trey Parker (both indicted for murder but never convicted, the slippery bastards).

That column was "The Horror of South Park (Part 1)," and like all good things horror it required a sequel, if only because this controversial show has so much horrific content it was hard to pick a mere five episodes. So let's hit the daily double and kick out five more.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - The Horror of South Park (Part 2) " »

Apparently, I ain't afraid o' much. In this column, I've tackled ways to deal with vampires, werewolves, zombies and even haunted houses. Nope, ain't afraid of any of 'em, because Hollywood shows me fast and efficient ways to eliminate these supernatural threats in 90 minutes or less. But there's one more boogeddy boo I ain't 'fraid of, and that's ghosts. About time we got to ghosts, no? Especially considering Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters theme is what got this ball of journalistic integrity a-rollin.' So how do you deal with ghosts?

Say His Name Three Times
First, a warning -- if you're dealing with Candyman, this is a bad tactic. Very bad. If you're dealing with the ghost of Biggie Smalls, also a bad strategy. If, however, you're up against the ghost with the most, this strategy is like a supernatural bitch-slap. Beetlejuice gets a what-for because of people shouting out his name three times. Why? No idea. It's supernatural. You don't need a "why" or a "how." You just do that shiz and watch the credits roll.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler Ain't 'Fraid of No Ghosts!" »

Last column, I talked about the best slasher weapons in movie history -- the chainsaw, the machete, the axe, the butcher knife and the glove of claws. These are things of legend, the greatest weapons in all of moviedom. Celebrated and imitated, such devices are the collective pinnacle of Hollywood horror.

But for every pinnacle there is a nadir... the bottom of the barrel, the trench, the absolute low end of the scale that defines failure. And know what? That's my neighborhood, and I'm here to help you see the worst murder weapons ever concocted for the silver screen (or shiny straight-to-DVD).

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Lamest Serial-Killer Weapons Ever!" »

If there's one piece of advice my handyman Uncle Booger used to spout, it's that you need the right tool for the job. OK, he also used to say, "Measure twice, cut once" and "Don't pee in the light socket," but his main schtick was the thing with the tools.

In this column, the "job" in question is killing people, and therefore the right tool is of the utmost importance. I mean, do you want to be known as a "killer," or "that dude who sort of injures people, making them sometimes require a tetanus shot." I prefer the former, thank you very much.

The right tool for the job has some non-negotiable requirements:

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Cool Tools of the Trade (Or an Homage to Killer Serial Killer Weapons)" »

If there's one thing we expect in horror movies, it's blood. Or gore. Or maybe that random green fluid that gets flung about when dealing with zombies, vamps, aliens or ghosts. As I watch low and big-budget horror movies alike, I often ask myself, "How do you get the stains out of those clothes?" A conundrum, that one: These laundry messes could send the most grime-savvy granny straight to the loony bin.

OK, maybe you don't ask the same question. Fortunately, I'm here to keep you informed. As part of your ongoing education, allow me to share the details of five of the most expensive dry cleaning tabs in horror history...

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - After the Blood, Brains and Assorted Gore Comes the Horror of the Dry Cleaning Tab" »

Ah, the seductive delights of Hollywood premiere parties! Delicious starlets, the Leatherface Twins (aka Joan and Melissa Rivers) critiquing your look, the glorious high of knowing your movie is lighting up screens all over America....

It's glorious that is, until the spotlights dim, the party invitations dwindle and it's clear that the time to move on has arrived. Many horror icons stay in the business as consultants, directors and producers. But some leave the game altogether and find fresh territory to plunder. Here's a look at four horror icons who found beyond Tinsletown.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler- Years After the Killings, Patrick Bateman and Puppetmaster Have New Careers" »

If killin' were easy, everyone would do it. But there's more to being a serial killer icon than picking up a weapon and slashing. Think of the greats: Freddy Kreuger? Style. Michael Myers? Born to kill. Jason Vorhees? Gets 'er done. Meanwhile, the wannabees rack up failures the way I collect McDonald's Monopoly pieces, except that nobody gets a prize. Which brings us to the Hall of Shame Epic Fail (Slasher Division) and my first batch of nominees.

These guys only wish they were lean, mean killing machines, but they're not. Not even close. How do they fail? Let me count the ways.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler's Hall of Shame - Epic Fail (Slasher Division)" »

As a child of the '80s, I'm giddy over the reboots of Friday the 13th, Halloween, and the upcoming A Nightmare on Elm Street (with a Bad News Bear as the new Freddy Krueger). Three of the Fearsome Four -- Freddy, Michael Myers, and Jason -- are back on the silver screen or headed that way, leaving only Chucky still stuck in the Reagan era.

But why stop with marquee names to turn a new-century buck? Why limit it to the major leaguers when there's so much minor league talent out there waiting for a shot at the bigs? That's right, Dear Reader, it's time for Uncle Scottie's Talent Scouting Emporium to distribute its preseason picks for movie killers who should get top-name play. These guys have toiled away in the triple-A horror leagues for far too long. Spring training is afoot, so let's see who should get a swing at bat...

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Put Me in, Coach! These Minor-League Movie Killers Are Ready for Big Time" »