You think you know what a MILF is? Lay off the Internet porn, my friend. This is a horror column and we're talking about monsters I'd like to...well, you know. No offense to mothers everywhere -- they truly are the glue that holds society together -- but there are some grade-A pieces of monster tail out there that simply must be celebrated.

A few notes: first of all, zombies are basically out. You might want to jump the bones of a megasmokin' vamp, but I doubt many of us are ready to throw down someone who is a walking boil. Second, don't bother complaining about how vampire heavy this list is. The whole genre is about suppressed sexuality (something that Stephanie Myers reconnected with in a big way, all you Twilight haters). Without further ado, here's five girlie MILFs and five guy MILFs (here's to equal representation!) that make horror hard-core. This list is far from exhaustive, and you can bet there will be a sequel to this column, now that I've got the topic on the brain.

Blade (Wesley Snipes), Blade
Who's half-vampire and all badass? Blade, baby, that's who. With the tricked-out trench coat, the shades, the sword, and the superslick moves, Snipes pulls off a sexiness usually reserved only for the full vamps. He'll put a piece of steel through your nasty, undead heart, then, while you disintegrate, he'll turn his head and look the other way, just to show how cold he can be. Hot!

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Note to self: if you want to become a werewolf, spend time in the gym. A lot of time. This kid got so ripped for the part that even air was afraid of him and he walked around in a little vacuum. Before this sequel came out, odds were against any would-be successors to the Robert Pattinson throne. Afterward? Let's just say a lot of Team Edward baby-doll tees found their way into the trash.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Horror-Movie MILFs, or Monsters I'd Like to..." »

Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, thank you for having me back to host the most important event in the history of mankind: the Horror Oscars. That's right, for the third straight year it's time for the Oscars to go to hell.

As we did in 2007 and 2008, we've assembled a meticulous collection of flicks, tossed them into some fairly random categories, consulted an esteemed and highly educated expert (me), and come up with winners. Let's get down to business.

Best Lack-of-Original-Ideas Picture
The Nominees
• Friday the 13th
• Halloween II (remake and sequel)
• Last House on the Left
• My Bloody Valentine
• Piranha
• Sorority Row
• The Children

Analysis: I was shocked this year to see seven major horror movies that were remakes or reboots of classic and not-so-classic franchises. Come on, Hollywood. I'm sure you could find an original idea lying around somewhere in the back of your junk drawer.

The Winner: The Children. An upset! Horrible then, horrible now, and yet so bad it's good. Friday the 13th was a classic, but remaking The Children?

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - The Third Annual Oscars Go to Hell!" »

In the world of horror, respect equals fear, and, as much as anyone else, our height-challenged friends deserve respect and fear. Here's my ten favorite movies starring undersize terrors.

10. Chucky (Brad Dourif), Child's Play
He's technically an oversize doll, so he gets knocked down a few spots. But if this were the Top 10 Bipedal Primate-Shaped Things That Might Be Alive, Chucky would be first.

9. Midget, Trapped in the Closet
This urban opera, by singer R. Kelly, makes clear that you need to watch out for the li'l dude hiding under your sink: he's got a gat and you could be in for a serious beat down. If you haven't seen this, trust me when I say you need to -- from start to finish.

Continue reading "When You're Looking for Big-Screen Terror, the Scariest Things Come in Small Packages" »

It's boneless, it's shapeless, it looks a lot like jelly -- and you know what else? It will kill your ass dead. I'm talking about the goo that haunts horror movies.

Of course, the king of all things silver-screen slimy is The Blob, both the 1958 version and the 1988 remake. The original stars Steve McQueen, while the remake features Shawnee Smith, of Saw fame. And don't forget the 1972 sequel, Beware! The Blob, directed by none other than Larry Hagman (J.R., from TV's Dallas), which proves, irrefutably, that just because a blob has been frozen twenty years doesn't mean it's safe to thaw it out.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Hey, Hollywood! What's the Deal With Protoplasm, Anyway?" »

"Monster" is such a judgmental term, isn't it? How would you like being reduced to a pejorative and a location? "Oh, look, there's the Chicago Abnormality." Or, "Watch out, it's the Customer-Support Cube-Farm Mutant!"

This series focuses on the cryptid, a creature whose existence has been suggested by many but remains unconfirmed. We started out with a look at El Chupacabra ("Goat Sucker"), whose brief turn in the spotlight spawned a handful of monster flicks. Now it's on to one of the most famous of cryptids: the Loch Ness monster.

Continue reading "Sigler's Cryptozoology 101 - Intro to the Loch Ness Monster" »

The U.K. isn't exactly known as a prime breeding ground for horror directors, but there are some notable category leaders who prefer tea over coffee: the legendary Alfred Hitchcock (The Birds), along with James Whale (Frankenstein), Terrence Fisher (Curse of Frankenstein), and the directors from the Hammer House of Horror.

But if you think all the U.K. greats are in the grave, you're dead wrong. There's a thriving batch of big names and up-and-comers across the pond, some of whom you probably had no idea weren't American. Your Uncle Scottie has put together an alphabetized list of living and active British horror hitmakers. You're bound to find some must-rents you've missed.

Marcus Adams
Adams is a little-known name lurking about the fringes of horror. He got on the scoreboard with his 2002 Ouija outing, Long Time Dead. Though there's not much good to say about that one, his next project is an adaptation of the video game Suffering, due out in 2011, and in-the-know types are betting his skills have improved.

Clive Barker
One of the best-known names in contemporary horror, Barker is most famous for his books, but he has quite a résumé as a director. Ever heard of Hellraiser? That was him. Throw in Lord of Illusions and Nightbreed and you're talking a killer track record. Tortured Souls: Animae Damnatae is rumored to have a 2011 release date.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - I Ain't 'Fraid o' No Blokes" »

This column is about horror movies in all their splendor and trashiness. But sometimes it goes beyond them to look at source material -- you may remember our examinations of Stephen King movies and vampire novels with a girl-power twist. While almost everything King writes is optioned (and much of it gets produced), he's not the only horror heavy hitter in the ring: enter Dean Koontz, who's written 81 novels since 1968, hit the number-one spot on the New York Times' best-seller list twenty-four times, and sold over 200 million books. Many of Koontz's novels have been adapted for the big screen, to decidedly mixed results. In the interest of cosmic fairness, let's look at both the top hits and the bottom-of-the-barrel misses.

The Top Three

1. Demon Seed (1977)
This tale of a computer determined to make a woman (Julie Christie) carry its artificially created child -- apparently even machines can't avoid baby-mama drama -- is one of the few flicks that tries to plausibly bridge the gap between technology and biology. The story is solid, even when the execution falters. Demon Seed fit perfectly into the late '60s-early '70s wave of "computers take over the world" movies, which included 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970).

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - The Sheer Terror (Good and Bad) of Dean Koontz Movies" »

The horror of real life is often worse than the horror of the cinema. Take, for example, the auto-immune reaction to transplanted organs. Imagine, if you will, that your ticker is on the way out. But you're in luck! A donor has conveniently kicked the bucket, and you and said donor's heart rendezvous on an operating room table. You get a new lease on life, but your troubles are about to start: Your pesky immune system, you see, thinks the heart now keeping you (and it) alive is an evil, alien thing, like a bacteria or a virus. So Mr. Immune System attacks the heart, and guess what? Immune systems are good at attacking things. Your heart blackens, and the end result is that you're dead, killed by your own immune system.

So, what's this got to do with horror flicks? Why, it sets us up to talk about rebellious body parts, of course. Transplants are all the rage in horror fiction, and often make the recipient do many eeee-vil things. With that in mind, let's take a look at the Top Ten Bad Body Part movies. First, though, the rules -- the transplant has to be part of the recipient. This list does not include rogue body parts, such as Ron Jeremy's Penis in One-Eyed Monster, or the plethora of movies that feature severed hands (insert list here after).

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - When Bad Things Happen to Good Body Parts" »

Horror comedies have been kicking tail lately, with the walking dead -- natural laugh-riot source material -- leading the way. The success of Zombieland has the genre back in the spotlight, so what better time to bust out my list of Top Ten Horror Comedies of All Time?

I'm avoiding tongue-in-cheek horror movies like Scream, which play games with the genre but still deal in real horror. Ditto movies that have plenty of humor but still finish strong on the spook-factor scale, like An American Werewolf in London. We're going for comedies here. Comedies with bl-bl-bl-blood, baby. This isn't the most original idea in the world -- there are dozens of "Best Horror/Comedy Movie" lists out there, fo' sho. There are also hundreds of horror/comedy flicks, so some of your top picks might not even be on my list, which is the nature of lists: One of my favorite horror movie sites compiled a roster of 30 titles that didn't include freakin' Ghostbusters ... whoa! So I'm not even going to do honorable mentions: These are my ten best, and if you don't agree with my selections, you're probably very stupid. Just being honest, people; someday you'll thank me.

10. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
When you want the good stuff, you have to go to the source. Bud and Lou? Back in the day, they were comedy, baby. Nobody laughed in this town without their say-so. And in this flick, they not only whup-ass on Frankenstein's monster, they also get busy with Dracula and the Wolf Man. That's a crap-load of monsterness. And you think James Cameron can do special effects? Hah! Check out this eight-minute clip of old-school FX awesomeness.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler Ain't 'Fraid of No Jokes! " »

For most of us, our first real horror experience involved a bad dream. Your parents could keep you safe and warm during the day, but once you laid your wee head on your wee pillow and you closed your eyes, you knew you were playing Russian roulette (even if you didn't know that term at the time, unless maybe your parents were Russian, or gangsters). You slept, you dreamed and sometimes you woke up screaming. Other horrific encounters -- from fun stuff like horror movies and books to un-fun stuff like fights, death in the family or, worst of all, algebra class -- came later... Hoo, give me a second here. I just had a shiver on that last one.

Because we've all experienced nightmares at some point, they're a breeding ground for the horror genre. Interestingly, though, when it comes to film count (which is like "body count," you know, but with movies instead of corpses), nightmares can't hang with hallucinations. All of us have had a bad dream. Most of us haven't had a genuine hallucination, and yet they seem to dominate the genre. But if you turn your mind to slumber-driven visions, some cinematic winners and losers readily come to mind.

Continue reading "Scott Sigler - Never Sleep Again With These Five Killer Dream Flicks" »