Scott Sigler - Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Stupid Horror Teens
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, US diplomat & reformer (1884 - 1962)
Truer words are rarely spoken, and rarely are those words truer than in horror movies. In particular, horror movies that feature randy teenagers -- if you happen to be one of those teens, you definitely can't live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself because you're probably dead by the 26-minute mark. But you, dear reader, can benefit from the stupid acts of others. I know I have.
That's why I proudly declare that everything I need to know, I learned from stupid horror teens. And I'm not the only one -- I posted a few questions on Twitter to see what kind of response I'd get, and found that strange little social media site teeming with deep wisdom and the knowledge of the ages.
Still Waters Run Deep (i.e., Don't Swim in Abandoned Military Research Centers)
Always a sage piece of advice: @ghostfinder shared this gem from 1978's Piranah. As a rule of thumb, it's best to stay away from military research centers altogether, and that goes double for abandoned ones.
Pursue Life (i.e., Never Stop to Hide)
@brandg talked about how his life changed after watching Jamie Lee Curtis hide in the closet in Halloween. You can't just sit there and let life's tribulations find you cowering with a twisty coat hanager, you have to get up and move, kid.
Know When Debate Is Not an Option (i.e., If Someone Tells You Your Brains Are Spicy, Run)
@KChrisH brought up a good point in reference to Return of the Living Dead Part II -- there are times when long-winded discussion is just not appropriate. For instance, if a guy says to you, "Brenda, your brains smell so good, so spicy," it's not the time for intellectual discourse. It's time to run. I put this lesson to use just last week and I'm guessing the guy standing next to me, the one who failed to learn from the missteps of stupid horror teens, didn't fare as well as I. He sure wasn't as fast as me, and when you're being chased by the undead that's all that really matters.
Chastity Is the Cement of Civilization and Progress
Any discussion of the wisdom culled from the wholesale slaughter of celluloid teens must address the evils of sex. I could list movies here, but really? It's all of them. @CWSeidman, @nanther, @tooltoddler, @cc_chapman, @filamena all felt rather strongly that a chaste life is a life you get to keep living.
Be Fiscally Responsible (i.e., Pay Your Damn Phone and AAA Bills)
As @TeeMonster pointed out, sometimes you need to make sure you can call home, call the police or call a tow truck to come get you out of a pickle. If that pickle happens to be a gigantic dude with a sledgehammer and a cannibal family like, say, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you'll be happy you paid those bills on time.
Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep (i.e., Just Don't Say "I'll Be Right Back.")
@rycher, @paul_e_cooley brought up a classic life lesson from the Scream movies. If you say you're going to do something, do it. And if you can't be sure because there may or may not be a serial killer on the loose and rather than going to the cops, you've opted to hang out with your friends at the house of the girl whose parents are gone, then you'd best not promise that you'll only be gone a moment, sonny.
Look Ahead, Not Behind (i.e., Don't Walk Backwards)
What seems like common sense is actually a little-known gem of knowledge. As @TheNewAuthor pointed out, it must be little known, to judge by all the kids in the Friday the 13th series who see a dead body and, instead of turning and sprinting away, slowly back pedal while keeping their eyes on the corpse. Hey, kid? The dead guy with his guts spilled all over the place? He's not the threat. The dude who did him that way is. @SplinteredBoard added that when running away from said corpse and/or said killer, you should under no circumstances look over your shoulder. If you do, you're sure to trip over the only exposed tree root within 100 square miles.
Not Every Ass Has Long Ears (i.e., The Higher Your Douchebagginess Quotient, The Faster You Die)
I take this tidbit from @rasplundjr to heart, having learned so much from watching the sad demise of Buddy Repperton in Christine, among other troubled horror-film youth just crying out for help. If your call for help involves beating up nerds and stomping on their glasses, you can bet life will take your lemons and turn you into lemonade... either that, or hurl your burning carcass into a ditch where you can suffer a slow and agonzing death.
A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste (i.e., Dumb Kids Get Hacked First)
Stay in school, kids. @rebeccahession brings up the valid and highly instructive point that the bookish semi-nerds tend to last longer. Total geek-dom will get you killed, of course, but so will being cool, cutting classes and trying to score your girlfriend's homework so you don't have to study.
Common Sense Is Not So Common (i.e, If You Think You Saw the Shadow of a Man Holding an Axe, You Probably Did See the Shadow of a Man Holding an Axe.)
The only drawback to @scstokes' dead-on analysis is that it's too long to fit on a coffee mug. Stupid horror teens have taught me to trust my instincts, avoid things and situations that look dangerous and that when I'm forced to say, "Huh, I don't know what that is," it's best to run the other way and let someone else put his destiny to the test. @grimmwriter touched on a related idea, noting that If the bad guy/thing appears to be dead, you should run. Looks dead? Good enough -- get the hell out of there. Don't walk over and poke it. And whatever you do, do not actually say "it's dead." Hear me, dude from Pumpkinhead? Well, no, you don't, because it really wasn't dead after all.
Wisdom Conquers All ...
There you have it, Dear Reader, the valuable life lessons I've taken from horror movie teens. Wouldn't Mrs. Roosevelt be proud? Now it's your turn -- what horror-movie life lessons did I miss? Put them in the comments below, and share your sage advice with others. My Twitter account is @scottsigler, feel free to follow.
New York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His novel INFECTED was named as Borders' #1 mystery, thriller and horror novel for 2008. His next major hardcover horror/thriller ANCESTOR
There's also the Fences are there for a Reason (i.e. If all you're doing is drinking with friends, stay out of the abandoned mine) wisdom.
In the recent Bloody Valentine, not even 3D could save those dumb kids once they broke through the flimsy protective fence at the quarry to drink their generic beer out of cans that get no screen time.
Also consider Animals are Dumb (i.e. If the cat squirms away from you, do not go after it)
Did not work in Pet Sematary, did not work in Alien... does not work.
Oh there are so many lessons!
There’s Leave the Damn Book Alone (i.e., if you find a satanic book, especially one that is bound with flesh, for God’s sake don’t read from it)
I think we all know how that one turned out for Ash in the Evil Dead movies.
I would also like to make the argument for Animals are not Dumb (i.e., if your pet freaks out and runs or is mad at something you can’t see, get your butt moving)
Let’s face it, if the crew of ‘Alien’ had started running every times Jonesy the cat started hissing, a few more of them might have lived through it.
First life lesson. If you're a girl, you've got a good chance. Use it.
Second. Finish what you start. It's not dead. Cut off the head of whatever it is. Unless you want a sequel.
And one of the more obvious lessons... If someone comes running out of the woods or a house covered in blood screaming hysterically. Do the smart thing turn around and run. The texas chainsaw remake is a good example, but this happens one way or another in most movies.
Also, know where you are going. Running all willy-nilly through the woods or empty streets is not a strategy. Set a goal and go for it, its never to late to start setting goals for yourself. Dont believe me? watch any Friday the 13th movie.
Have a gun, know how to use it. It might not stop the mad slasher, but it couldn't hurt to try. For example, there's this commercial that was making the rounds a few years ago:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3HlbgYQLE0
ARealGirl: Excellent examples. Also in line with your My Bloody Valentine, "if your movie is so bad you can't even sell a beer placement to Milwaukee Light, you've got some issues to deal with."
Carrie711: Even for stupid horror teens, one would think that if you find a book covered in human skin that makes a spooky face with fewer teeth and a a grandpa from Appalachia, yes, you leave that alone.
Aline: Agreed, cutting the head off is mandatory. However, that goes against "Look Ahead, Not Behind" which I mentioned in the column. If you've got time to cut off the head, you've also got time to turn around and run the hell away. Don't go near the body!
Jauguana: I see that you, too, have learned from watching the idjits on the screen.
Cyberluddite: I laughed my ass off at that clip, thanks!
Don't pick up hitch hikers, no matter how distressed (Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake), or hot (House of 1000 Corpse) they may be. They'll just end up getting you killed. On the other hand, don't take rides from strangers either.
What about all the "family values" we learn? We should take a nod from a little family in Texas. The family that works together, stays together. Running a family slaughter house together. What a wonder, in today's day and age, to carry on the family legacy?
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre also helps teach us to eat together as a family....what could be better than that? Sitting around and having some real family bonding time. What a treat for their guest to see how a family should function together.
And what of respecting our elders? When Grandpa couldn't hold the axe/knife to do a little after dinner family fun???? What a good son he had to step in and try and help him chop off the head of that poor guest?
Nothing but a true lesson in a way a family should act together.
Practice good health. Much like you may not want to shake someone with a cold's hand, if someone comes shambling up to you with blood dripping out of their eyes or their face is melting off - Do. Not. Touch. Them. Or go near them. Or let them come near you. If they're able to shamble, then they're A-OK enough they don't need your help.
Listen to your elders. Old crackpots always know what they're talking about. If "Crazy Jim" who lives by the tracks with his dog Boots and smells of hooch says there's a crazed madman killing in the woods, then listen to him. If Old Lady Johnson says she sees a vengeful demon coming for you in her tea leaves, then listen to her.
Another that could prove useful is 'Don't pick on the weirdos'
Take those jovial pranksters in Carrie who thought it would be a good idea to drown the poor lass in pigs blood at the highpoint of her school life.... bad craziness soon happened.
Then there's the nerdy fellow in Christine whose car takes issues with any one who thinks less of him - and when a car gets angry, it's bad craziness again...
And when the well meaning Empire tried to crush an uprising of unpatriotic infidels, which caused them to kill a teenager's Aunt and Uncle (hey collatoral damage kid, see the bigger picture!) he then grows magical powers and destroys their place in the universe... with bad craziness.
Beware the misfits....