Scott Sigler - Confectionery Killers Serve the Sweet Taste of Death
The Gingerdead Man (2005; watch the trailer)
What list of sweets-related horror flicks (and I'm sure there are many) would be complete without this phenomenal Gary Busey effort? In this cult classic, Gary voices a pissed-off, psychotic gingerbread cookie. No, I'm not making this up. But if I had been the guy who made it up, I would die a happy man.
Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008; watch the trailer)
What could be better than Gary Busey as a murdering gingerbread cookie? Only one thing: More Gary Busey as a murdering gingerbread cookie. I won't bother to get into the plot. What, you were expecting the Citizen Kane of horror? Come on, dude, put down the bong and get a grip. Killer cookies! Gary Busey! There should be fireworks every time this movie is screened. And a parade.
Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (rumored for a late-2009 release)
If there is a creator in the universe, I implore him or her: Please, please let this be true!
We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007; watch the trailer)
Clowns are scary. No way around it. We've discussed this topic in the past, but here's a little gem I missed until now. Years after Buster, the friendly neighborhood ice-cream man (who dresses like a pedophiliac clown -- and, yes, I know there's no other kind), is killed in a wacky prank gone wrong, he returns to wreak havoc upon the kids who killed him, now adults with kids of their own. The killer clown passes out ice-cream bars with special powers to melt heads, create bloody messes, and much, much more. There's a whole lot of Freddy Krueger meets Stephen King's It packed into this 60-minute made-for-cable episode of the Masters of Horror series. Oh, and on a 10-point scale of gross, this one is a 12.5.
Ice Cream Man (1995; watch the trailer)
This one simply defies description. OK, that's a load of bull, because the description is that it's about a psycho ice-cream man. As bad as that sounds, the movie's saving grace is that it provides a rare starring role for the made-of-awesome Clint Howard. Of all the movies in which you can see a severed human head served in a tall waffle cone, this one's the best.
Chocolate (2005; watch the trailer)
Another Masters of Horror episode, but it hooks you with some deliciously enigmatic dialogue: "Chocolate. I just kept tasting someone else's chocolate." What does that mean, exactly? I can't tell you, but that tasty scrap of scriptwriting holds you captive as the tale starts to unfold. Directed by Mick Garris (Riding the Bullet, Desperation), it's a classy little hors d'oeuvre that fits nicely into your Netflix queue.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
• Candyman series (1992-1999): I know, I know: it's got the word "candy" in the title. That doesn't mean sweets are part of the plot. If it did, Sammy Davis Jr. would have been bigger than Freddy.
• Blood and Chocolate (2007): It's a movie about a teenage girl trying to deal with being a werewolf. She works in a candy shop. Not quite good enough.
• Ginger Snaps (2000): It's a movie about a teenage girl trying to deal with being a werewolf. Her name is Ginger, and she snaps. Not quite good enough.
Death Is Like a Box of Chocolates
Next time you have the munchies and you're in the mood for a bloody flick, why not kill two birds with one chunk of rock candy? There's nothing quite like eating a big plate of gingerbread cookies while you watch the gore spatter. Now would someone please cue the fireworks?
New York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks, at www.scottsigler.com. His novel Infected was named Borders's number one mystery, thriller, and horror book for 2008. His latest hardcover, Contagious, is in stores now. If you don't agree with what Scott says on this blog, post a note in the comments section below. Please include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can come visit and show you his world-famous Chicken Scissors.
I would also suggest the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. :-p
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RACartwright: Augh! How the HELL could I leave that one off of there?
I'm the kind of girl who loves me some Gary Busey. For all the wrong reasons, sure, but still. But even he didn't help the Gingerdead Man.
Even so, if there is any truth to the rumored Gingerdead 3, I hope against hope for only two things:
1) The triumphant return of The Busey.
2) The Powers that Be (PtB) simply dispense with any notion of plot. For these movies, the plot almost ruins it. All we need is bad CGI, the Busey voice work, and teeny tiny gingerbread-man-sized implements of death. If I'm honest, I think we could even lose the bow tie.
If you still have a sweet tooth, check out The Stuff (1985). It's the next national dessert rage but it'll also turn you into a zombie. At least it's low in calories.
ARealGirl: Lose the bow tie? Are you insane? Without it, he's just another psychotic gingerbread cookie.
David: Damn, I forgot about that one as well. Looks like between you and RACartwright, I have another Confectionery Killers column lined up. Nice!
A fine selection sir!
One I thought you might be interested in (more for it's comedy value than anything else) is a creature called Kandy Man from an old Dr Who episode.
I know it's not a film..... but it bloody well should be! I mean, come on - a murderous bag of liqourice allsorts! That's legendary stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Nd8kiQ6ppc