Ah, Clive Barker. He writes -- if you'll pardon the pun -- one hell of a book, but has he ever been done justice on the big screen?

It's a curious thing that a writer the caliber of Barker, and one as film savvy, cannot boast a single bona fide big screen hit -- despite his name having the power to whip fans into a frenzy, and despite the host of titles bearing his involvement in some form or another. The law of averages would dictate that a guy with this much stuff out there would have had something stick by now, right? But no. Most would agree that the reason Barker has never really worked on the big screen -- the recent studio-orchestrated failure of Midnight Meat Train aside -- is because Barker has never truly appeared on the big screen. Sure, there's been stuff with his name on it and stuff that's based on his work, but has anybody ever really captured what makes Barker work on the page?

The closest anyone has ever come is Barker himself (of course) with the original Hellraiser, a movie that boasts one of the most iconic film villains of all time: Pinhead. But close doesn't mean perfect and the original Hellraiser -- it's best not to even talk about the many DTV sequels -- was made under severe budget limitations that leaves it a seriously flawed classic. The impending remake has been the subject of much scrutiny and discussion for a good long time now. We're a few years into the development process now, but the remake is no closer to actually existing than it was on day one. Here's the timeline:

October 2006:  Barker himself brings word that the remake is coming and that he has been asked by Dimension -- and agreed pretty happily -- to write the script "on the basis that if I don't do it, it will be done in some way that I probably won't like," he posts Fan reaction? After initial head-scratching and observations that Barker should proceed on to fresh material, fans concede that if it's happening, at least it's with Barker involved.

November 2006: Dimension Films issues the initial announcement that the remake is coming. At the time no director is attached, but Barker himself is confirmed as both script writer and producer on the project. This announcement comes just a year after the Weinstein Brothers split from Disney and while people are still a bit nervous about their carnivorous reputation -- books have literally been written on this subject -- the hope was that Barker's direct involvement would give this at least a fighting chance to succeed.

Things are silent for a looong time... and then:

October 2007: The trades break the news  that French directors Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury -- fresh of the success of the stunning and very, very disturbing Inside -- have been brought on to write and direct the remake. What happened to the Barker script? Good question, but it's one nobody is talking about in public. He's still on as a producer, though. Says Clive: "My commitment to being involved was really based on these guys who had a bloody good idea that had nothing to do with what I had in my head. So more power to them." 

February 2008: It is announced that the remake release date has been pushed back from September 2008 -- yes, three months ago -- to some unspecified date in 2009... because Dimension has rejected the Maury / Bustillo script and instead hired Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton (Saw V) to write it. Maury and Bustillo will still direct and still nobody is asking what happened to the Barker script.  Do you really want to know what people thought about Saw writers handling Hellraiser? "Not exactly the guys I would be checking for to get a halfway decent script done," observes one poster. 

April 2008: Maury and Bustillo walk. I'm told this is because Pinhead fails to appear until the final five minutes of the script turned in by Dunstan and Melton. Which kind of begs the question of why bother making the movie? Just as crucially, it again raises the question: What happened to the Barker script? And here is where the fans pretty much turn on the project en masse, realizing that it's pretty much getting the typical Weinstein micromanagement treatment. Sarcastic suggestions that the movie be handed over to Uwe Boll or Paul W.S. Anderson abound.

May 2008: Saw II - Saw IV director Darren Lynn Bousmann offered the Hellraiser job. He turns it down.

October 2008: It is announced that French director Pascal Laugier, fresh of the success of the success of the stunning and very, very disturbing Martyrs, is in final negotiations to both write and direct the Hellraiser remake. This is interesting not only because it means that the Dunstan / Melton script has now also been tossed but because not even two weeks earlier Laugier had employed some colorful language indeed while describing to me -- in person -- his rejection of an earlier offer from Bob Weinstein to take over this very project.

November 2008. Laugier clarifies that his deal is a development deal only and that nothing is finalized yet as far as script or a proposed start date. And since he's actively working on a number of other projects as well -- Details, based on China Mieville short story, is next up for him -- it might still be a good, long while before we actually see a Hellraiser remake.

Final Tally:
• Directors attached: 3 (with at least one other turning down the project)
• Script writers involved: 6
• Time since initial announcement with no actual progress made: 25 months

Sorry, Clive, it ain't looking promising.