Wow. Just... wow. What a week. What. A. Week. Shit...

Sorry, guys. You're gonna have to give me a moment here. It's been, well, it's been
effing crazy around here. I think... I mean, I'm not sure yet... It's far too early to say,
and there's just way too much shit to sift through, but maybe... just maybe... I was right.
Things have kinda, well, blown up around here. Yeah, and I may actually mean that
literally (the real literally, not that bullshit "literally" so favored by the elite brain trust
known as "reality TV stars").

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - Did Not See That Coming" »

Oh man. Greetings from the Habitrail, Hamster Hank at your service. We're, uh...
well, we're on lockdown here. I can't get into details, but my dazzling social life took a
big fat hit this week. No more club-hopping for the ol' Hankster. Nope... I am officially
a homebody for the foreseeable future. I'm pretty sure it's a bunch of bullshit, but I've
gotta be a good boy right now and stay in my playpen. I've got some people keeping an
eye on me. For my own protection. It's nice to know they care.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - There's No Place Like Home" »

I tell you guys, I must have one hell of a "kick me" sign on my back these days. Well, these months, really. It is never ending. Seriously... am I some kind of shit magnet? Because the fecal matter just keeps flying my way. Here I am -- I'm feeling better, I'm up and around gimping my way through the world, and then guess what happens? Boom! My brother-in-law has a "senior moment" and gets us into a car accident. Yep, that's right... add "car wreck" to my list of "bullshit I have had to endure this year." Amazeballs.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - Won the Lottery O' Crap Again!" »

It was my nephew's sixteenth birthday this week. Jesus, where does the time go?
Some days I feel like I just turned sixteen. But then I run my fingers through my hair...
oh yeah. Back to earth. Not that I'd necessarily want to be that age again, believe me. I
had a better time than most with it, but Jesus... I always pity the people who look at high
school as the best years of their lives. Wow... always good to peak early there, tool shed.
Dare to dream.

Part of me, just a tiny bit, does want to go back. Of course, I'd want to know what I
know now. You couldn't pay me to live that time again without the full extent of my life
experience to guide me. I tell you what, I'd own that damn school this time around. As
we all know, popularity is about confidence. Well... and looks. Boom! Two for two! I
was pretty badass in high school, but I'm about a million times cooler now, so... those
little morons wouldn't even know what hit them. Drop a little Ferris Bueller action on
them. I always did want to sing on a parade float. Oh wait... no... that's Marie.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - PT Cruising" »

Say you've got a secret life -- something you don't want anyone knowing about. Maybe you're cheating on your wife, cheating on your taxes, cheating on your diet -- whatever. What do you do everyday? It's not like you're living your secret life out in the open. You're not some simpleton cramming Twinkies down your piehole in full view of the public. No... you're hiding. You're sneaking them out of a shoe box buried in your closet.

But then one day, your wife finds the shoebox, and there's hell to pay. Suddenly you're being shamed like some pre-schooler who peed himself on the first day. Goodbye, manhood! It's all broccoli and tofu from here out. Your wife buys one of those cookie jars that berates you when you open it. (Because that's what the world needs -- nagging outsourced to your home furnishings. Here's a tip: don't buy the cookies. Problem solved! You're welcome, America.)

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - Hiding In Plain Sight" »

I'd like to start this week with a big "Mazel Tov!" to my brother-in-law Walt, who had his checkup with the doctors and is still rocking remission. Glad to hear it, buddy. Way to kick cancer's ass!

While I'm at it, I also wanted to thank you for taking me on that little field trip this week. You remember... that gem and mineral show. Got off to a rocky (get it?) start there, but you came through for me, and I appreciate it. I'm not just saying that, buddy... you've been a real help to me through all this. Besides, we saw some pretty awesome stuff, and you saved my wife the day of complete boredom she was, no doubt, steeling herself for the moment I found the show listing. Even though we're not related by blood, I'm happy to know that I can count on you when I need a favor. I hope to return it soon. Just say the word, and I'm there. Course, right now I'm not the guy if it requires speed or... well, movement at all, but I got your back nonetheless.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - Friendly Competition" »

Big happenings around here this week. Sit down -- this is... well, this is big. Ready? Alright, here we go. Prepare yourself...

I left the house.

I know... take a minute and let that settle. It's, well, it's a lot to take in. But it's true. I left the house under my own power. Couple of times actually. My wife's losing her shit over my "amazing progress." I'm surprised she didn't put out a freaking press release to announce my launch back into the real world. Truth be told, I'm pretty stoked about it as well. I was dangerously close to losing all my marbles and ending up in some nut hatch drooling into my Jell-o. I will never again wish for endless days of lazing around in bed. Ever... Okay, maybe just on weekends.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - The Upper Hand" »

Things are definitely getting better at Casa Schrader. I know I've been kind of a dick these past weeks. I mean, I've also been recovering from gunshot wounds that have left me partially paralyzed, so give a guy a break. That said, things are better. Not giant candy room in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory better, but... better. I'm making a little progress on this case. I'm thinking about getting out of the house more and more. Maybe go to a movie, catch a game sometime. You know, normal shit like that. I'm sure my wife would appreciate it. Not the going-to-a-game thing maybe, but that's because she lacks a certain amount of culture, God love her.

I love many sports, but we usually end up seeing baseball games. We've got the Isotopes here in Albuquerque, so it's easy to catch a few games during the season. Now, I get enthusiastic about games. I cheer -- loudly. What's the point of just sitting, quietly thinking, "why yes, I do so enjoy watching this team play -- good hit, my friend" without enthusiastically letting the players and those around you know? And, of course, I've been known to talk some trash... on occasion. I've spent years honing my skills, and I'm proud of the work I do. Getting into the game, having fun with your fellow spectators -- why, it's all a part of the rich tapestry of life.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - Team Spirit" »

Alright everyone, I know you've been waiting eagerly for the latest electrifying details from the Schrader bedroom of excruciating long-term healing from a catastrophic injury. Well, put that Hungry Man dinner aside and turn away from the LOLcats, because... we had a bit of excitement this week. It feels like after months -- years practically -- of total isolation, I've now become a regular social butterfly. That's right, last week was just a taste. It all blew up this week, and now I've got visitors left, right, and center. We've had family over for dinner... twice in the past week. I know, I'm blowing your minds here. And... my buddy from APD? He's practically living here now he visits so often. Course, it's the same few visitors, but I'm thinking any day now Shania Twain will saunter on in, and then we'll really be cooking.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - Back in Business" »

Fun fact, boys and girls -- people are really good at hiding themselves most of the time. Sorry to blow your minds there by stating the screamingly obvious, but sometimes you forget that. Sometimes you're going along, thinking this person in your life is exactly who they appear to be. And then, bam! They kick you in the balls with some crazy shit you'd never even guess about them. Secret love child. Random "Furries" fetish (don't Google that, kids... trust me). Maybe a little coke problem. Whatever it is, you never see it coming.

Continue reading "Hank's Blog - The Ship is Waiting" »