Hello Internet! I think it’s time for another one of my little rules.
First, though, I have to give you some backstory: A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, is of the opinion that someone we know has been sleeping around on his wife. I think my friend is suffering from some undiagnosed brain trauma, because I know this someone and his wife very, very well, and I am telling you: There is NO way. None. Satan would open a gelato shop in hell first.
And if by some insane chance my friend were actually right, I am positive that the wife would have told me all about it. I think. No, no, I know she would. Totally.
As I was saying, all this talk of fooling around has reminded me of a very important rule that every man should commit to memory:
If you sleep around on your wife DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL HER.
Because then she will kick you out onto the street like the dog you are and you will have only yourself to blame.
Look, we all have guilty secrets. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we wish we hadn’t done certain things. But there’s an easy fix for that: Never never never never admit what you’ve done to another living soul.
Sure, it’s uncomfortable living with the guilt of your actions, but that’s why God gave us Chardonnay.
Once you open your big mouth and blab your mistakes to the whole world, well, that’s it. You’re screwed. And all the people who care about you are screwed, because now they know and they can never forget what you’ve told them.
I’m telling you, the four worst words in the English language are “We need to talk.”
No, we don’t. Not about that. Ever.
(Some might suggest this is something of a contradiction, given that I am a firm believer in people sharing their innermost thoughts and secrets with me. However, it’s not. I have a gift for helping others — obviously I want people to open up and tell me what’s going on so I can offer them my valuable observations and insights. But that’s totally different from some self-serving jerk blabbing about his misdeeds just to make himself feel better by making everyone else feel like crap. Honestly, the two situations are not even remotely similar.)
Zip it, fellas. And I mean that on several different levels. As in your fly. Which should remain zipped up in the presence of other women who are not your wife. Just so we’re clear.