There are two people I spend the most time with in my day-to-day life: My beautiful, hot, very sexy wife... and that gargoyle of a partner I have.

Now, I give my partner a lot of shit, and he deserves every bit he gets. Plus, he gives it right back, and you know, he's got a sharp tongue that guy. But despite the near constant verbal abuse, there are certain times in which a partner is better than a wife. For instance, you really can't say to your wife, "Shut the hell up." But you can say that to your partner -- any time you want, and pretty much with impunity! Now, if I said that to my lovely wife -- who I love very much -- I'd probably wake up face-down in the street, all my possessions ablaze around me. But a partner? They'll just tell you to shut the hell up back. No divorce proceedings, no fiery retaliation.

Of course, there are many important ways in which a wife is way better than a partner. Like, way, way better. For example, I don't really ever want to have sex with Gomez. I'm sure to some very special people out there, he may appear attractive -- some very special people who don't see very well, or have possibly suffered a severe head injury... Or who have maybe never seen another person. Ever. (Man, I could do this all day.)

Plus Gomez can't make coffee worth a crap. Guess, uh... yeah, that makes my wife the winner in this head-to-head contest. Love you, baby!